


Someone You Loved

by sunflowersandsangria



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Car Accidents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, I'll add tags as they become relevant, M/M, References to past trauma, but it gets sad, i don't want to spoil my own fic, is it angst with a happy ending?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:06:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 51,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22264576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowersandsangria/pseuds/sunflowersandsangria
Summary: Patrick couldn’t have known what was going to happen when he’d pick this fight, but he would often wonder what he would have done differently if he’d known this was going to be the last normal day of his life.
Relationships: Alexis Rose & David Rose, Patrick Brewer & Alexis Rose, Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd & David Rose, Stevie Budd & Patrick Brewer
Comments: 463
Kudos: 563





	1. Chapter 1

The fight had gotten out of control, and Patrick would have been able to stop it if he had been sober. But he’d been drinking steadily all night, and it only got worse when Dean (one of David’s exes, Patrick later learned) had showed up and David had just… talked to him. It was just like when David had kissed Ted, Patrick was moping and drinking off to the side as David allowed this… whoever it was to openly flirt with him. Eventually, his gaze had travelled over to Patrick. There was a smile on his face for half a second before he saw whatever was on Patrick’s face, bid the guy goodbye and walked over.  


“Hello, love of my life,” he said teasingly, but Patrick could see the anxiety in his eyes. Christ, David hadn’t even really done anything and Patrick was feeling out of control.  


“Who was that?” he asked, thinking it best to just get to the point.  


“That was Dean,” David said, “We met in New York. We used to um, date.”  


“Oh, isn’t that nice,” Patrick replied, “Were you going to introduce him to your fiancé?”  


“I was actually,” David replied, letting some annoyance slip in, “But I’m not sure that’s a good idea now.”  


“Because?”  


“Don’t make me say it, Patrick,” David murmured and twined their fingers together, “Let’s just go home. We’ve said hi to my mother, I’ve seen everyone I want to see-”  


“You mean Dean?” he couldn’t help himself. The guy- Dean- had touched David’s hair. David didn’t let Patrick do that outside of their homes. David had allowed this guy to touch his hair and rub his shoulder and kiss him on the cheek in greeting and Patrick had seemed to be the furthest thing from David’s mind.  


“I actually meant Ted and Alexis, who you would have also seen if you hadn’t been seething in the corner,” David continued, “So now we can go home and discuss this in the morning when we are sober.”  


When Patrick was sober, he meant. David hadn’t had anything to drink.  


Patrick sighed and acquiesced. It was Moira’s premiere and he didn’t want to cause drama. He’d known there would be people from David’s old crowd here. People he probably hadn’t thought about in years but would be forced to be polite to for the sake of his mother. Patrick had known that coming in and decided to come anyway even when David have given him a million outs, but that didn’t stop the jealousy from churning inside him as they couldn’t even leave this place without someone grabbing David for a goodbye kiss every three feet, and David dutifully accepted all of them. He let these people touch him in ways Patrick was never allowed to in public before, and continued not introducing Patrick. Eventually they made their way outside and Patrick was practically dragging them to the car.  


They were supposed to drive through the night back to Schitt’s Creek so they could open the store on time in the morning, but Patrick couldn’t think of anything he wanted less than to be trapped in a car over night.  


“What?” David snapped finally after a few minutes of David driving.  


“I just can’t believe how much ass you kissed tonight.”  


“Excuse me?”  


“You heard me.”  


“You can’t believe I was nice to New York’s elite at my mother’s movie premiere?” David asked.  


“Don’t sound all reasonable,” Patrick replied.  


“Don’t sound ridiculous,” David said, “It is not a good color on you.”  


“Oh, so you can drag me away from anyone you think is making eyes at me but I can’t be upset with you flirting all night and ignoring me?”  


David drove in silence for a few minutes, and Patrick outwardly cringed at his choice of words. This always meant that David had moved from annoyed to legitimately pissed off. When he got quiet instead of snapping the first thing that popped into his head and was instead coming up with either an actual argument or the best way to cut his opponent down. It was something left over from David’s crueler days, when he didn’t allow anyone to know they had hurt him. It was a place Patrick always regretted driving him to the moment he realized he’d done it, drawn out the David unsure or himself or their life together.  


“David-”  


“I didn’t introduce you because those people are inconsequential to me and I don’t want them anywhere near my new life,” he said finally, “Not Dean, not Sebastian, not anyone I knew in New York. And might I remind you that I do not care that you still talk to Rachel and she comments little hearts on your Instagram because I _trust you_. And if _that_ is how little you trust me, maybe you shouldn’t have put a ring on my finger.”  


There it was, maybe the only side of David Rose Patrick wasn’t actively obsessed with. The cruel, vindictive side. Patrick couldn’t help the audible gasp that bubbled out of him, 

“Don’t you dare use our engagement as a bargaining chip.”  


“Nights like this are going to happen again,” David replied as if Patrick hadn’t spoken at all, “I am going to have to play nice with people I used to fuck or have hurt me or I have hurt, and if you can’t handle that, then I meant it.”  


“You think I don’t want to marry you?” Patrick demanded, unsure how their fight had turned into this. His inebriated brain was trying to keep up with how their conversation had twisted into this. He was drunk and pissed off, but there was no reality where he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with David Rose. Unfortunately, David kept talking before Patrick could say that.  


“Sometimes I’m not sure, Patrick, that you know what you’re getting into,” he said, “And if you really understood what the Roses were like, then I don’t think you’d want to marry me, no.”  


“You were right, we should talk about this in the morning,” Patrick said after a moment of being unable to put into words how stupid of a thought that was.  


“You’re the one who picked a fight,” David murmured but Patrick wouldn’t take the bait. Whatever David was feeling right now was very delicate and Patrick wouldn’t be the one to break it, not when he thought they were unbreakable. David lashed out sometimes, that was all this was.  


They drove the rest of the way in suffocating silence and mercifully, they finally got back to Schitt’s Creek. David didn’t speak as he pulled up to Patrick’s apartment or as Patrick gathered his things. The only thing he said was, “I’m going to sleep at the motel.”  


“David, wait,” Patrick said through the open window.  


“What?” he snapped, not even looking at Patrick.  


“I love you,” he said finally, not sure what else he was capable of right now, “I love you, David.”  


“I love you, too,” David said so quietly Patrick wasn’t sure he was supposed to hear it. David was gone before he could say anything else.  


Patrick clumsily made his way upstairs and into his bed, not even bothering to take his clothes off before passing out. Patrick would replay the evening over and over again, the soft kisses before the party as David showed him around the city before Patrick had ruined everything. He would justify it later, that so rarely was Patrick the dramatic one, that he deserved one night of being jealous and irrational. Patrick knew he couldn’t have known what was going to happen when he’d pick this fight, but he would often wonder what he would have done differently if he’d known this was going to be the last normal day of his life. 

* * *

It seemed like minutes between when Patrick passed out and when someone was pounding on his door. It actually wasn’t much time at all. David had dropped him off around three and it was barely five now and who the fuck was knocking on his door this time of night? Despite the night they’d had, David probably would have let himself in. But it couldn’t be David, David was mad at him. For good reason. Sober Patrick could see how unreasonable he had been. David shouldn’t have said what he said, but Patrick started it. He’d apologize in the morning, play Tina Turner and Mariah Carey all day if he had to and David would forgive him.  


David was all he was thinking about as he clumsily and made his way downstairs all while someone banged on the door incessantly.  


“What the fuck are you doing here?” Stevie growled the moment he opened the door to her. She looked pissed and… scared?  


“What?” Patrick replied. He wasn’t drunk, but he certainly wasn’t 100% sober yet, not to mention exhausted.  


“Why aren’t you at the hospital and why didn’t you pick up your phone?”  


_Hospital_. Patrick’s blood ran cold. His phone was probably dead because he hadn’t plugged it in before he passed out, which meant he’d clearly missed some sort of emergency.  


“Stevie, what’s going on?” he forced calmness into his voice but Stevie wasn’t listening.  


“Pack a bag, some stuff for David too, we’re going to the hospital.”  


“Because someone is in the hospital? Is it Mr. Rose’s heart again?” he said as he followed Stevie’s instructions, but she still wasn’t looking at him and was instead throwing David’s sweaters on the bed at random. Patrick packed them anyways.  


“No,” Stevie replied, finally turning to look at him when it was clear there was nothing more she could do to make herself busy, “David is in the hospital.”  


“What?” Patrick asked. That made no sense. David had been here a few hours ago and he was fine. David couldn’t be in the hospital because they were fighting and Patrick refused to let anything bad happen to David before he could make it better.  


“He called me and said you got into a fight and he was picking up wine and he’d be by in 20 minutes to drink and complain,” Stevie said as she went back down stairs, Patrick helpless to do anything but follow her, “But he never showed up and I thought he probably just fell asleep in his room, except then I’m getting calls from the police and I have to wake up Alexis and Mr. and Mrs. Rose because you’re his emergency contact and you didn’t pick up so they had to call me instead, because I was his second contact. Alexis is his third and I kind of wish they’d called her themselves, because that would have been one less person I had to talk to tonight but-”  


“Stevie,” Patrick interrupted. It was the most Stevie had ever said at one time without being sarcastic and she hadn’t even said what happened yet, but Patrick was filled with dread because it was _David_ and Patrick hadn’t been there because he had been pissed off and his phone was dead and oh god, was David…  


“He was in a car accident,” Stevie replied finally, “They finally got him stabilized and the others finally got there so I thought I should come get you.”  


All the air rushed out of Patrick’s lungs. David wasn’t dead, that was the dark place his mind had gone, but that wasn’t true. His life wasn't over because David was alive. Patrick would get the chance to apologize. But if they’d had to stabilize David that meant at one point he had been unstable, which didn’t sound good. But he was alive, that was the important thing. Anything else they could get through. A long recovery process, physical therapy, Patrick could support him in anything. If David still wanted him, that is, he had been a royal asshole tonight. But events like this had a way of putting this in perspective, and David would forgive him and they would be okay.  


“You’re thinking too loud,” Stevie complained. The closest hospital was over an hour away, but Stevie was driving entirely too fast for someone whose best friend was just in a car accident and they were almost there. After he saw David he would take the time to make sure Stevie was okay because it seemed like she was in shock, but so was Patrick and right now it was keeping them both sane so Patrick said nothing. He just continued to form all the grand gestures he’d use to get David’s forgiveness. Maybe they’d have to postpone the wedding? That was okay because when they had the rest of their lives, what was a few more months of it not being legally binding?  


Patrick was running through the things he’d have to cancel and reschedule when they pulled into the ER parking lot. It was busy, a Friday night close to the holidays but they were directed to David’s room right away with a nurse telling him David had a pretty bad concussion in addition to some broken ribs and a broken wrist, so he was probably very confused. But once they’d made the call not to induce a coma to help with the swelling of his brain, it was imperative he stay awake so they could monitor him, so they were allowing visitors. Patrick stopped just short of the room. Mr. and Mrs. Rose were waiting outside and they looked so relieved to see Patrick, but a split second later something else crossed their faces that resembled pity and guilt. Stevie showed no such hesitation and barged right into the room. Patrick saw a glimpse of Alexis as she did, but couldn’t quite see David.  


Patrick opted instead to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Rose. Surprisingly, Mr. Rose pulled him into a tight embrace. Even Mrs. Rose gave his hand a quick squeeze.  


“I’m so sorry,” Patrick said, “My phone was dead and-”  


“No need to apologize, sweetheart,” Mrs. Rose cooed, “It’s the middle of the night of course you were asleep.” It sounded completely sincere but Patrick couldn’t help but flinch slightly as if it was an accusation.  


“I guess I should go see him?” Patrick asked even as he made no move towards the room.  


“Patrick,” Mr. Rose began, “He doesn’t seem like himself.”  


“Of course he doesn’t, he had four broken ribs and swollen brain,” Mrs. Rose chided as she rung her hands.  


“No, but-” Mr. Rose continued, but was interrupted by Alexis and Stevie inside.  


“David, Ew!” From Alexis.  


“What the fuck, David?” From Stevie, then the three of them outside were bursting in.  


Stevie was sitting next to David, one of his hands holding hers and the other cradling her face, which was odd but not impossible all things considered about how this day had gone. Stranger, and awful, was David glancing at Patrick then immediately looking away, as if David had summed up all he needed to in the cursory glance and decided Patrick wasn’t worth his time.  


“I’m sorry, Stevie, I didn’t realize you were bringing a guest to my death bed,” he snarked, then turned back to Patrick, “I’m David Rose, and you are?”


	2. Chapter 2

Everything was happening all at once for David Rose and it was very confusing. One moment he had been doing… something, then the next he was in a hospital bed and his parents and Alexis were there. Which was weird because he and Alexis were fighting because she was going to run away with Stavros and he and his parents didn’t talk. So for them all to be here was odd to say the least.  


And why couldn’t he remember what had led up to this? Sure, the doctors had told him “car accident” and “concussion” and had run him through some basic tests, but apparently the memory things weren’t out of the ordinary for something like this and they would monitor David until they were sure there was no lasting damage then they’d let him go.  


The thing is, David was very good at being expressive without ever actually giving anything away. So when Alexis mentioned Stevie was on her way to get Patrick and should Ted come over to, David did his best not to reveal that little of what she was saying made any sense to him. Who was this Patrick person and since when were Alexis and Ted serious enough for him to come to the hospital for her brother? It was just the concussion, David decided, there was no reason for him to appear weaker than he already did by telling everyone that no one was making any sense.  


His mom and dad left the room soon enough and Alexis started jabbering on about whatever and it was easy for David to tune her out. God, he was tired, but he knew he couldn’t fall asleep yet. Maybe it would be better to risk never waking up, David mused, than to listen to Alexis talk about the Galapagos Islands for some reason? As if they had the money to get to Elmdale, let alone out of the country. At least Stevie was coming back. Stevie, who he was friends with. Stevie, who he was currently sleeping with and nope, things weren’t weird at all. In fact, something deep inside David was telling him Stevie was far more important to him than he was willing to admit. Weird.  


His parents came back in and David bullshitted his way through a conversation with his mom about Cabaret, which sounded different than the way she normally told her 1979 triumph of Sally Bowles and his dad mentioned something about the store. The Blouse Barn? Obviously David would be taking some time off and if Wendy fired him for that, whatever. It wasn’t like he was going to be selling mediocre blouses in the long term. He wasn’t even going to be in Schitt’s Creek in the long term. He’d decided that about five minutes after arising, so why was the thought of leaving not sitting well with him?  


Then his parents were gone again and nurse checked in on him and asked how he was feeling, and the real answer was fucking terrible but it was so terrible that David couldn’t be dramatic about it because oh god, what if something was actually wrong? So he just said he was fine, exhausted but the pain killers had kicked in which was a damn lie. David’s tolerance for opiates was through the roof and he doubted the morphine was really doing anything.  


As soon as the nurse was gone, Alexis looked at him like she saw right through him which she couldn’t because Alexis didn’t know him. Sure, he’d basically raised her, but she didn’t know him because that would require her caring about something other than getting high or jet setting. Which begged the question what was she still doing here? David was going to ask her just that when Stevie walked in and something loosened inside of David. Stevie was kind of an asshole but she also wouldn’t panic if David told her everything that was happening in his head right now.  


“Hey,” she said as she sat next to him, “How are you doing?” her eyes were rimmed red as if she had been crying, which was ridiculous because why would Stevie cry over him? 

Which made David kind of think that maybe Stevie was feeling a little bit more than she was letting on too? So David wove their fingers together because it seemed like an okay thing to do, and she looked confused but didn’t pull away. If anything, she squeezed his hand back.  


“Better now that you’re here,” David admitted. But there was still something in the back of his mind, like he was forgetting something really vital? Stevie being here helped, but it didn’t calm him completely like he thought it was going to. Which kind of made him panic more. Literally everyone he cared about in this town was here, so why was he so uneasy?  


“Patrick is talking to your parents but he’ll be in in a sec,” Stevie said, but continued before David could question here further, “And I know you’re fighting, but he was really worried so try to behave.”  


“Wait, why were you fighting?” Alexis looked up from her magazine and raised her eyebrows slightly at how close David and Stevie were sitting but didn’t say anything past that.  


“I don’t-”  


“It was probably stupid and they don’t need to address it right now,” Stevie interrupted.  


“Can someone um, walk me through tonight?” David asked, “I’m just… it’s all kind of blurring together?”  


“I think Patrick would be a better person to ask,” Stevie said, and there was that name again and something inside of him shifted at the mention of this mystery man, but David was too embarrassed to ask about it, “But you got back from New York and called me saying you wanted to drink, so you stopped by the liquor and never showed up. Some douche ran a red light and hit you and next thing I knew people were calling me and…” Stevie trailed off as tears filled her eyes again and David couldn’t help but brush them aside.  


“Hey,” he said softly, his hand cradling her chin.  


“Sorry,” she said, “I was just really worried.”  


And then David just went for it. They were leaning in together anyways and it was so easy to go that extra millimeter and kiss her. Everything was confusing, but Stevie was reliable and right in front of him and if she was this worried there must be some genuine affection there, so why not? So he did, and it felt so, fundamentally wrong the two seconds it lasted before Stevie was pushing him away.  


“David, Ew!” Alexis exclaimed from where she was sitting. And okay, yeah, he had kind of forgotten she was there and that was weird, but it was also common knowledge that he and Stevie were… not together, but not not together and it shouldn’t have been _that_ weird.  


“What the fuck, David?” Stevie said as she wiped her mouth and then there were other people in the room and oh, it all made sense. He and Stevie weren’t together because she was with someone and he was standing _right there_ , looking at David kind of like the world was ending. David purposefully didn’t allow his gaze to linger. Looking at him straight on was too overwhelming and wow his feelings for Stevie must have been _way_ stronger than he thought if he was freaking out about her being with someone else when they weren’t even really doing anything other than fucking.  


“I’m sorry, Stevie, I didn’t realize you were bringing a guest to my death bed,” he snapped, trying to cover up his hurt, because honestly who brought a date to the hospital? He deliberately shifted his gaze to the man with as much dignity as he could muster and said, “I’m David Rose, and you are?”  


And then the room was silent. Dead, awkward, _something is very wrong here_ silence and David’s eyes snapped away from the man, but the faces on his family’s were equally confused and horrified.  


“David…” Alexis said slowly, “Do you not-”  


“I’ll be right back,” the man said, sounding… something. Something David couldn’t think too much about because he didn’t even know the guy.  


“Oh dear,” his mom said, “I’ll go find a doctor then check on him.”  


If David thought it would be better with fewer people there, he was wrong. Alexis was looking at him like he’d grown a second head and Stevie looked horrified and his dad’s eyebrows were basically up to his hair line.  


“Can someone tell me what’s going on?” David asked. He was going for demanding and annoyed, but he sounded desperate even to himself. Something had hurt in him watching the man walk away and David had wanted to call after him but didn’t because he couldn't figure out why. He was glad his mother was chasing him, but why? Why, why, > _why_ did he feel so strongly for someone he had literally never met? David wasn't the best at keeping names and faces straight. He'd met so many people in his years as a Rose that he often forgot people, but David would remember this man. He would remember someone that made him feel like the earth was unsteady under his feet. He would _remember_ that.  


“That was Patrick,” Stevie said finally, being the first person to regain speech.  


_Patrick_.  


The name sounded good in his head and he ached to see what it felt like on his tongue. The thought startled David.  


“Patrick.” David repeated. And it tasted… the only word David could think about was delicious. Like the name was made for David’s tongue and he wonderee what else about him was made for David’s tongue, and yeah he was definitely losing his mind.  


“What year is it?”  


“2015,” David said and he couldn’t believe that wasn’t a question they’d asked him when he came in. Maybe it was and David just didn’t remember.  


“Oh my god,” Alexis said with a hand over her mouth.  


“Which means we’re sleeping together,” Stevie said mostly to herself. Not even his dad looked affronted by the implication that David had sex, like he normally did.  


“That explains… that,” Alexis said. And David was kind of sick of being excluded from a conversation about him. He was tired and it hurt to breathe and something else hurt that David couldn’t even name.  


David was about to lose his fucking mind when a doctor rushed in trailed by Moira, “We thought it would be best for Patrick to stay outside.”  


“I’ll go find him,” Stevie said immediately, then she was gone with a quick squeeze of David’s hand and he already missed her.  


“He thinks it’s 2015,” Alexis said.  


“Oh dear,” Moira replied. Which was odd, his mother was never one to keep things concise.  


“What the fuck else would it be?” David snapped as the doctor shone a light into his eyes that made him wince.  


“I’m going to need a moment alone with David,” the doctor said just as Alexis was about to interject again and anxiety spiked through David. The only thing worse than the hospital was the hospital alone and David was suddenly sure once he was out of people’s sights, he was never going to leave this godforsaken place.  


“What do we…” Alexis trailed.  


“I’ll talk to you in a minute,” the doctor said and then they were gone and yep, David was definitely going to die in this room.  


“How is your head, David, really?”  


“Shitty,” he replied. There was no one left in here he needed to hide from.  


“Can you be more specific?”  


“It’s like it filled with cotton and I feel all sloshy and also like I’m wearing a wig with really sharp pins that keep getting tighter. If I shut my eyes I get dizzy but if I keep them open the light makes my head hurt so bad I think I’m going to throw up.”  


“Okay,” the doctor said and wrote it down, “What about your memory? What can you tell me about tonight?”  


“I don’t remember,” David said. Because he didn’t and now it was clear to everyone that he didn’t, “Stevie said I was in New York then I was in a car accident then I was here.”  


“But you don’t remember the accident? Or what came before it?”  


“No,” David said, “I don’t.”  


“Why were you in New York? “ The doctor pressed, “Who were you with?”  


“I don’t know,” David said, “I should know, but I don’t.”  


“David,” the doctor asked gently, “What year is it?”  


“2015,” he said again, not even annoyed that he had to repeat it because now he wasn’t as sure.  


“It’s 2019.”  


“That is not possible.”  


“It’s 2019,” the doctor said, pulling out his phone and there it was: the date August 20th, 2019 and David thought he was going to be sick, “David don’t panic.” But David was way past panic. He’d lost 4 years. 4 years. Oh god, he was still in Schitt’s Creek 4 years later. He definitely wasn’t with Stevie anymore and he felt sick all over again at how he just went and kissed her. But they were still friends, clearly, since she was here. David hadn’t blown the only friendship he had here, at least there was that.  


Yes, he was panicking but it also now made sense that he hadn’t been able to follow what his father and Alexis had been staying. Stevie was still his friend, Alexis and Ted were still together (which was truly the most shocking thing), his mother was once again doing Cabaret. There were a lot more things he missed, but those were the ones he’d latched on to. Those were three facts that weren’t terrible and that’s what he focused on.  


“Who is Patrick?” David asked.  


“I think we should take this slow,” the doctor said.  


“Who is Patrick?” David repeated, hoping his voice was as serious as he wanted it to be. Maybe he was right the first time and Patrick really was Stevie’s boyfriend? That would explain why he’d rushed out when David had kissed her, but not why he was here in the first place. Even as David thought it, he knew he was wrong. Knew the idea of Patrick and Stevie together was ridiculous. He didn’t know how he knew that, but he did.  


“He’s your fiancé,” the doctor finally said and David laughed, honest to god laughed at that.  


“Okay, you’re definitely fucking with me,” David replied, hysteria making his voice all high pitched and ridiculous, “Did Alexis put you up to this because it is really fucking unfunny.”  


“Okay,” the doctor said, “Let’s calm down and take this slowly. Your family can explain everything to you, but we clearly need to run some more tests.” David wanted to argue, but he didn’t have any fight left in him.  


The idea of him losing 4 years of his life was hard to accept, but what was truly unfathomable was someone would want to marry him. Especially someone wearing mid-range denim and a button up. He looked sweet and funny and why would he want David, and more importantly why would David want him? He never went for sweet. David was way too much to force on someone so sweet. But David dutifully answered questions and didn’t fidget at he was poked and prodded. He was led out of his room and back into the MRI machine that him feel claustrophobic and he didn’t complain. The longer he went not reacting, the sooner whoever (he still thought it was Alexis) would decide the joke wasn’t funny anymore and this would finally end.  


After what felt like an eternity of a million doctors, both medical and psychological, David was left with more morphine and assurances that there would be more explanations soon. Mercifully, David was finally deemed able to sleep without dying in the night, and sleep he did. At this point, he would be okay if he never woke up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess the vibe of this story is just going to be posting before I've edited enough because I need validation. For once, I was more eager to write than research so there's very little medical truth to this. You're just going to have to suspend your disbelief and get on the angst train for this one. Let me know what you think!
> 
> I'm tinytrashqueen on tumblr if anyone wants to talk :)


	3. Chapter 3

Patrick thought he was going to be sick.  


There were a million worse case scenarios that had gone through his mind when he and Stevie were driving to the hospital, and none of them were _this_. None of them were Patrick walking in and David looking right through him, holding Stevie and not knowing him.  


_I’m David Rose, and you are?_  


Patrick was frozen in place for what felt like several minutes, but was probably only a few seconds. The simple sentence kept playing over and over in his head.  


_I’m David Rose, and you are?_  


The love of your life. Your future husband. Your friend and lover and confidant. Your everything.  


_Nothing_. Right now, he was nothing. “I’ll be right back,” Patrick managed to choke out, then he was gone. Patrick wasn’t a runner except when he was. This was one of those moments, like when he realized he couldn’t marry Rachel because he didn’t and could never love her. A moment where if Patrick didn’t get away he was sure he was going to explode. Except he was going to marry David because he did, could, and always would love him. And David didn’t know him.  


Patrick was never a big TV or movie guy but he’d seen enough about amnesia to think it was ridiculous. How could you hit your head and suddenly forget all the things that made you you? But now he was living it and there was no doubt that David didn’t know him. David wouldn’t mess with him like this even if he could fake that cold lack of recognition in his eyes. _I’m David Rose, and you are?_ It was like a scab he couldn’t stop picking even though he bled every time he did. At this rate, he was going to bleed out before the evening was out, metaphorically of course. God, his thoughts were a mess.  


Patrick made it as far as the end of the hallway before he couldn’t bare it anymore then he was on the ground, his head between his knees, which was weird because it felt like he’d been walking for miles. David didn’t know him.  


“Oh Patrick,” someone sighed a few seconds or years later. Stevie, Patrick recognized without having to lift his eyes, “You can’t sit on the floor,” But Patrick couldn’t move and eventually she sighed and sat down next to him. Patrick was oddly flattered. He figured there were few things that would make Stevie Budd sit on the emergency room floor.  


“Mrs. Rose went to get a doctor. She said she’d call when they knew anything,” she said, then mercifully didn’t press Patrick to say anything. Stevie could be pushy sometimes, but she always knew when she was going too far. This day was well past too far and was veering dangerously towards being the worst day of his life.  


Patrick couldn’t believe their stupid fight was only a few hours ago. Patrick tried not to think about it because guilt would do nothing, but if he hadn’t gotten jealous then David probably would have slept at his house. He was never supposed to be driving tonight and if David hadn’t been driving and none of this would have happened. It was so logical that Patrick couldn’t even spin it any other way. He was thankful that David apparently hadn’t told anyone the details of their fight, because Patrick was sure he wouldn’t be allowed in here if the Roses knew how Patrick had behaved tonight.  


“Found you, finally,” someone said above them and Patrick managed to lift his head to see Mrs. Rose.  


“Has anything changed?” Stevie asked. _Does he remember me_? Patrick thought.  


“No,” Mrs. Rose said apologetically, “The nurse said they were going to run some tests and if the swelling had gone down at all they were going to let him get some sleep.”  


“And they didn’t say anything else?” Stevie asked.  


“They won’t know anything until they get him into another MRI. They think it might be psychological? It was a pretty bad crash and he might be blocking it out.”  


“That doesn’t explain 4 years,” Patrick scoffed before he could stop himself. He didn’t like the implication that blocking out the trauma of the night meant erasing Patrick. He was the trauma of the night, he decided when he thought about it a moment too long.  


“That’s not what she meant,” Stevie snapped as if she could read his mind. At this point, it was probably written all over his face.  


At the same time, Mrs. Rose continued, “Anyways, they don’t think there’s any point in all of us staying here. He’s out of immediate danger and we won’t all fit in the room so… I suppose I’ll send Alexis and Johnny home,” Mrs. Rose said as she stood up.  


“I should probably go too, I know Mr. Rose and I have motel things,” Stevie said.  


“Well, Stevie…” Mrs. Rose said gently then turned to Patrick. An apology was already written across her face and she hadn’t even said anything yet.  


“They don’t think I should stay, do they?” Patrick asked.  


“No,” Mrs. Rose said, never one to pull punches, “He reacted… poorly when the doctor explained things.”  


“That he’s engaged to me, you mean?” Patrick replied not even trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice.  


“That he’s engaged to _anyone_ ,” Mrs. Rose said and that shut Patrick up a little. David hated talking about his past, but Patrick knew he never thought he’d get married. Never thought anyone would want to marry him.  


“He’s probably in shock,” Stevie agreed. Clearly she knew more details than Patrick did too with the way she was looking at him, so he tried to reign in his pity party a little. Stevie had lost 4 years of friendship with him too, and if they’d regressed to the point where they were sleeping together, it was a lot to lose.  


“Then I’ll go, if they think it’s best,” Patrick acquiesced. The thought of leaving David right now made him physically ill, but he wouldn’t stay where he wasn’t wanted and he wouldn’t do anything to affect David’s recovery. In the brief moment he’d seen him, Patrick saw right through the brave face he was putting on. He looked scared and anxious not to mention exhausted and in pain, and Patrick refused to add on to that even if it broke his heart.  


“Then Stevie and I will stay?” Mrs. Rose asked as if it wasn’t exactly what she gunning for when she came back here.  


“Okay, I’m just going to… I don’t know, find coffee? I’m sure it will be a long night,” Stevie said, then to Patrick, “Wanna come?” Patrick didn’t say yes but he followed Stevie anyways. He wasn’t sure she was heading anywhere in particular despite her apparent need for coffee. After a brief walk, she stopped in a small alcove seemingly satisfied with the relative amount of privacy.  


“I feel like this goes without saying, but I didn’t kiss him back,” Stevie said and it was enough to startle a laugh out of Patrick. Stevie and David together just seemed so fundamentally wrong now despite them having been together before.  


“I know that,” he said.  


“I just… felt the need to say it. All things considered,” she continued and the small smile dropped from Patrick’s face. Right. They were in this whole situation because his fiancé didn’t remember him or most of his life in Schitt’s Creek. And suddenly Patrick couldn’t stand anymore. Luckily, there was a couch in the hallway that caught him as his legs gave out.  


“Whoa, whoa,” Stevie said as she sat down next to him. She rested a hand on his shoulder, clearly uncomfortable for her but comforting for Patrick nonetheless, “It’s okay.”  


“Is it?” Patrick asked as he laid his head in his hands, “Because nothing about this feels okay at all.”  


“You’re right, it’s shitty,” she agreed, “And I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling right now.”  


“Yeah, I doubt you’d say that if you knew what happened tonight,” Patrick said, unable to accept the comfort right now.  


“Patrick, I don’t care what you fought about,” she insisted, “This is a fucked up thing to go through.”  


“It was so stupid,” Patrick said, tears beginning to form in his eyes, “David didn’t even really do anything and I was just…”  


“Drunk, from what David told me,” Stevie said.  


“What did he tell you?”  


“Not much,” She admitted, “He said you were a little past tipsy and didn’t trust him.”  


“That’s… not true, but fair,” Patrick said, “There were just so many attractive people around and David was ignoring me and talking to them and I just felt how little I fit in with his lifestyle.”  


“Except that’s not his lifestyle, not anymore,” Stevie said.  


“Which I can see now,” Patrick said, “But in the moment, I just saw my fiancé soaking up all the things I couldn’t give him and I just snapped. I said some stupid things and he…”  


Patrick couldn’t stop the tears if he tried. Luckily, he knew Stevie didn’t care and hand on his shoulder squeezed gently and he forced himself to continue, “He said he didn’t know why I was marrying him.”  


Stevie gasped the same way he had when David had said it, “He said that?”  


“Yeah,” Patrick managed to get out, “He said I shouldn’t have proposed if I didn’t trust him and if I really knew what he was like, I wouldn’t want him.”  


“Wow,” Stevie said after a minute, “No wonder he bought like, 5 bottles of wine.”  


“Stevie, please,” Patrick sighed.  


“Sorry, dry humor is all I have,” she winced, “I feel like I should tell you this isn’t your fault, but I don’t think you’ll listen.”  


“That’s nice of you to say, Stevie, but it literally is my entire fault he was driving.”  


“Wow, I didn’t know you were literally the asshole that hit him,” Stevie deadpanned, “Because that is the only way this would be your fault.”  


“I just… he could have died and he would have died doubting how much I loved him,” Patrick continued and there the tears were again. Patrick had never been a crier before he met David. His feeling stayed buried deep down as they should, but after David it seemed like all his emotions lived right below the surface. And now he was cracked open and all of those things were flowing freely and he hated how vulnerable it made him feel. He hated that for the first time since their brief breakup 2 years ago, David wasn’t here to help clean up the pieces.  


“But he didn’t die, Patrick,” Stevie said, and she was a very close second to David in terms of comforting. She didn’t pull punches and she was completely logical and that was exactly what he needed.  


“No, he just doesn’t remember me,” he said.  


“He will,” Stevie said, “The doctors think this is temporary. He could be fine tomorrow.”  
Patrick didn’t believe the words as Stevie said them, but there was something in her voice that stopped him from arguing. Patrick wasn’t the only person who loved David. Her voice was laced with fear and hope and he reminded himself that Stevie loved David as much as he did and she was just as worried, even if it hurt Patrick that she was remembered. Patrick finally stood up and gave Stevie a quick hug. He should say goodbye to David’s parents and Alexis, but he couldn’t bring himself to face anyone else right now. So he ran, because that’s what he did sometimes. But this was temporary. As soon as David needed him, he would be back. And maybe Stevie was right, this could all be better tomorrow. 

* * *

It wasn’t better the next day.  


Or the day after that.  


Or the day after that. But Patrick was patient. Or afraid. Probably both. Patrick had been the hospital nearly constantly but he hadn’t seen David yet. The doctors weren’t hiding anything from David, but they were reintroducing things slowly. Everyone, Patrick included, had decided that Patrick shouldn’t be introduced again until David asked for him. 

Patrick was patient, but he wasn’t unfeeling.  


And it was _killing_ him that David wouldn’t even meet him.  


The looks of pity he was getting every time Alexis or Mr. Rose or anyone else had to tell him for the millionth time that David hadn’t asked for him yet. Patrick steeled himself against the disappointment every time he asked, but it hit him like a gut punch every single time Stevie or Mrs. Rose or whoever gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze. It was Ted one memorable time and Patrick nearly burst into tears, because how could _Ted_ be allowed to see David but not him? That was when Stevie had made him go home again to get some rest. As if Patrick was going to be able to sleep in his apartment filled with reminders of David without the man himself being there.  


On the fourth day, Patrick was forced to reopen the store without David and that almost did him in. But David would never forgive him putting their baby at risk when this was all over.  


When was turning progressively into “if” in Patrick’s mind, but he would never vocalize that. The longer this went on, the less sure the Doctors were when it would resolve itself.  


“The brain is complicated,” one of the psychologists had told him, “And we can’t force healing.” That had sounded rather defeatist to Patrick, but he chose not to say that either.  


Patrick’s brain nearly short circuited when Alexis called to say they were sending David home, “He’s getting ridiculously whiny being cooped up and he isn’t in any critical condition anymore.”  


“Other than losing 4 years of his life, you mean?” Patrick couldn’t help but say, it had slipped out before he could stop it.  


“Patrick…”  


“Sorry,” he replied, “He hasn’t asked for me?”  


“I wish you’d stop making me break your heart,” she pouted, “The doctors don’t want us to push him too hard, but I’ll ask him again.”  


“Thank you, Alexis,” Patrick said. She hung up after a few more minutes of small talk. David had shown more interest in the store than his business partner/ fiancé so Patrick gave her a quick update on what was selling, funny anecdotes of customers David would find completely incorrect and he managed not to cry on the phone again. He hung his head and took some deep breaths once he bid goodbye to Alexis.  


He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. Based on the updates Alexis and Stevie gave him, the things David were responding to were ridiculous and unpredictable. He didn’t care how he and Stevie had broken up but he wondered why he hadn’t agreed to the throuple with Jake. He was curious where Mutt went but didn’t question how Alexis and Ted had gotten back together. He wanted the whole story of the store but not Patrick, as if the two weren’t intrinsically tied. As if it wasn’t all the story of them.  


He wanted to remember, but not enough to let himself be vulnerable. Stevie didn’t say it like that, but Patrick knew David and knew that was what this was. It was like the early days when he tried so hard not to let Patrick see him. The worst part was Patrick knew he could make it better. He was gentle and more patient than anyone else in David’s life, and he knew he could help.  


But he wasn’t going to push.  


Patrick was patient, and he had waited his whole life for David Rose. What was a little bit more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, just a little more torture of them separate before they actually get to interact again. Let me know what you think!
> 
> I'm tinytrashqueen on tumblr if you wanna say hi!


	4. Chapter 4

For every question David asked about himself, there were three he wanted to ask about Patrick.  


But he couldn’t even bring himself to say his name. _Patrick_. There was a fondness and pain mixed in the back of his mind whenever he thought about the man, but he couldn’t ground the feelings in any sort of tangible memory and that was scaring the shit out of him.  


It reminded him of a bad trip where he was feeling everything at once but didn’t know the why of it. It was an experience he didn’t want to have ever again. So even though David was itching to ask a million questions, he didn’t voice any of them and his doctors didn’t force anything on him. He kind of wished they would, because with every detail he couldn’t remember he seemed less convinced that he ever would.  


“Bullying yourself isn’t going to help anything,” his psychologist chided. The jury was still out on what exactly was causing this. Long term memory loss wasn’t a common problem and the doctors seemed more baffled the longer it went on. These things tended to resolve themselves quickly, they’d said. If this was a psychological issue, it was going to take much longer. Hence the 2 hours a day of therapy that David hated.  


“Bullying myself is kind of all I ever do,” David huffed back.  


“Let’s unpack that,” she replied. And that was how his first three days in the hospital went. Medical tests and therapy appointments shoved between visits from his family and Stevie. But not Patrick, never Patrick. David knew he was at the hospital but he never came in the room. It went unspoken, but it was clear that no one would bring Patrick in until 

David asked for him. And so far, David hadn’t been brave enough to ask for him.  


The entire process was frustrating. No one was hiding anything, but it was up to David how much they could reveal. People were worried about pushing him too far, but how could David know the right questions to ask when he didn’t know what he didn’t know? They would tell David vague details of anything he wanted to know, but then get frustrated on the parts he’d cling on to. But nothing felt even remotely familiar to him and asking about the parts he was genuinely drawn to was far more vulnerability than he was capable of showing. He was already at such a disadvantage right now, why add to that by letting everyone see how scared he was? Unfortunately, it seemed like 4 years in Schitt’s Creek rendered him transparent to at least Stevie and Alexis, which was annoying.  


He was more curious about the store than anything else. Rose Apothecary. The name sounded timeless and he was itching to see it. But he and Patrick ran it together and there was no way he’d be able to go there without facing his fiancé. It was the only thing that seemed even vaguely familiar. Maybe because other than the marriage, starting a business by himself seemed entirely unlike him. It didn’t help that no one seemed to be able to tell him exactly what the store was.  


“It’s a general store but also a very specific store,” Stevie told him at one point with a quirked eyebrow that let him know she was making fun of him. Unfortunately, David didn’t seem to be in on the joke so he hadn’t asked anything more.  


If pressed, David couldn’t even really call where the general store was (had been?) or what it looked like. Apparently he had completely transformed it into something everyone in Schitt’s Creek loved. Other than the store, there wasn’t anything David obsessed over from his own life. Sure, the 4 years of missing memories was inconvenient, but he knew his nature. He knew he was incapable of change, so David wasn’t as desperate to remember as everyone else was. At least that’s what it seemed on the surface. The more time past, the less certain David was that he’d remember so why bother hoping?  


At least he hadn’t ruined everything with Stevie, he mused. Yeah, their first conversation after he kissed her was stilted and awkward, but once he’d finally mustered up the courage to ask what had happened with them it seemed like everything went back to normal. Stevie explained to him that he’d broken things off to save their friendship and he’d run away when she wouldn’t come with him to New York. She explained Jake and the throuple, “You mean to tell me,” David said, “That I had the opportunity to date a very attractive man and my best friend at the same time and we _didn’t_?”  


“No, David,” Stevie laughed, “Uncharacteristically, we decided it would be best to break up with the very attractive guy who wanted to sleep with us.”  


“Hmm,” David said after a moment of uncomfortable silence, “What are you hiding about this?”  


“Nothing,” Stevie said, then when David continued to maintain eye contact with her, “Fine. We decided to break up with Jake then I didn’t.”  


“Oh,” David said, “Well, good for you?”  


“You didn’t really care,” Stevie continued, “You were… occupied with something else.”  


“The boyfriend?”  


“Yeah, the boyfriend.”  


That was how David always referred to him out loud. He knew objectively the boyfriend was actually the fiancé, and more importantly he had a name, but it the whole thing seemed so incredibly intimate. He was just beginning to admit to himself that maybe this was real and someone wanted to marry him, there was no way he was going to admit it to anyone else. That didn’t mean he didn’t try during the very few moments when he was alone.  


David wasn’t allowed anywhere near screens with his concussion, but Stevie slept in his room most nights and there was one night she just left her phone on his bedside table. It was a complete invasion of her privacy, David knew, but it couldn’t have been that bad when David discovered his thumb print was programmed into her phone. There were a few unopened texts from Patrick, David left those alone. He quickly opened Instagram and went to his own account. It was sparse, which was weird. David had been an expert at perfectly curated social media, second only to his sister. But now, his account was set to private and only had a few dozen pictures and they were all from after he had left New York. He must have remade his account sometime after he moved. Most of them were him and Alexis, which wasn’t surprising.  


The photo from the day he and Patrick apparently got engaged made his heart jump into his throat. They looked so happy. _He_ looked so happy, and in love. It was a simple picture of them on some sort of cliff, David with his left hand raised and adorned with rings that matched his silver ones. David was looking at the camera, Patrick was only looking at him. He didn’t know how he could function if that was how Patrick always looked at him, he figured he wasn’t used to it and never would be. He really looked at Patrick. David’s eyes had moved past him so quickly when he was here, he didn’t know the relevance in his life to give himself the chance to drink him in. The Patrick in this photo looked completely different than the man who had run away. Yeah, he was still in cheap looking jeans and high collared shirt that wasn’t doing any favors to the muscles that were hiding under the fabric and whoa where did that come from? Was it just wishful thinking or could David picture Patrick without a shirt on? That was something to unpack for tomorrow, David decided as he moved on with his assessment.  


Photo Patrick’s eyes were soft where the man’s had been guarded and glassy. He looked perfect. Kind and sweet, with laughter in his eyes. Once again, David decided Patrick definitely wasn’t his type. No, that wasn’t it. It was that men like that always outgrew David Rose. What had this man done to convince David to take a chance?  


David didn’t scroll through any of the other pictures. He would be content to look at the engagement photo forever. All too soon, Stevie started to stir and David practically threw her phone back on the table which woke her completely. He feigned sleep, but he wasn’t fast enough. Stevie looked suspiciously at him then at her phone, which went right to David’s Instagram when she unlocked it.  


“I know you’re not asleep,” she said, “And I know this is hard for you, but if you have questions about him, I know he’d like to answer them.”  


David didn’t open his eyes and he didn’t answer and eventually Stevie sighed and tried to go back to sleep. She eventually did, but David’s brain was whirring.  


If Patrick loved him as much as that photo made it seem then he must be going out of his mind right now. The photo was damning evidence, but David couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of someone loving him that much. He was damaged goods. He was loud and dramatic and annoying and a thousand little things that had caused people to leave him. But Patrick… David needed to know what Patrick saw in him but he was deathly terrified that whatever it was, he didn’t have it anymore. Or didn’t have it yet? It was a confusing train of thought.  


All David had the next morning was a headache from staring at Stevie’s phone for so long and a heartache for a person he couldn’t even name out loud. He was cranky all day and eventually even his father told him to knock it off. 4 days in the hospital with no real answers was taking its toll on everyone and David couldn’t believe his luck that they were letting him go home. Shockingly, he wanted nothing more than to sleep in his own bed at the motel. He’d have to come back every few days for a checkup and the therapy would continue until they at least found the cause of the memory loss if not the cure for it.  


He’d made a big show of how he didn’t need help getting in and out of the car and now his broken ribs were screaming at him. He’d been too distracted by being in a car again to really pay attention to his body. He didn’t remember the accident but his heart certainly did and his breathing was soon coming hard and his thoughts were laced with anxiety. For the first time David was thankful for the stupid sunglasses he had to wear because of his concussion, at least they were hiding his wild eyes that were alternating between being closed tight and being blown wide open.  


“Are you okay?” Alexis asked laying a hand gently over his. David resisted the urge to pull away. This was them now, she wasn’t making of fun of him. They were friends, they took care of each other. David shook his head gently and forced his breathing to even out. Why had he even been driving by himself that late at night? The details of the accident was one thing that the doctors were forcing David to remember on his own. If this was a response to trauma, like they now thought it was, forcing it on David could be… problematic. That was the word the doctor used, David would prefer to just know. There was the vague details Stevie had given him when he first woke up, but he barely remembered those first few hours to be honest and she hadn’t really given him anything to latch on to. David was the only one who really knew, so he couldn’t get the answers even if he wanted to. It had something to do with Patrick and his mother’s movie premiere but that was all anyone would or could tell him.  


His parents were uncharacteristically silent as they drove and David kind of wished they would bicker just so it would be normal. He doubted he would be able to follow a Rose fight right now, but it would give him more to focus on than the cars that seemed to be speeding past them too quickly and too close. David’s head was killing him but he was grateful when Alexis started jabbering on all the things she was going to have to buy for the Galapagos (which was still the most bizarre thing, David thought) and which of Ted’s clothes she was making him pack and all the things there were going to do.  


Eventually they made it home without David throwing up or passing out from nerves. His walk to the motel was slow with how his body was protesting all the exertion, but he refused to ask for help.  


David didn’t know what he was expecting when he walked into the hotel room. It definitely wasn’t for the last four years to suddenly come rushing back. But he expected to feel… something. Something itching the back of his head like a word just on the tip of his tongue. But he just felt tired and sore. He caught the look his parents shared as they brought his things in that told him they were expecting him to just suddenly remember.  


“David,” he dad said carefully, “Does anything look familiar?”  


“Yeah, I live here,” he snapped, and he really just wanted to do to sleep even though it was 11:00 AM.  


“You know what I mean.”  


“No,” David said, “It doesn’t feel familiar.” Then he flopped on the bed and threw the covers over his head and finally, it was blissfully dark. David almost moaned at the relief of it. Alexis must have gotten the message and dimmed the lights as much as she could. She muttered something about staying at Ted’s tonight and his mother had long retreated back to her room, so it was just him and his dad.  


“I know you’re tired,” he said as he sat on the foot of the bed, “But tomorrow we should…”  


“Should what?” David asked.  


“The doctors said it might help to take you to important places, but I don’t really know where to start,” he admitted.  


“How would I know where to start?” David muttered.  


“At least you haven’t lost your attitude,” his father said sarcastically. David lifted the covers to glare at him and found that the dim lights were mercifully bearable. For the first time, David really looked at his father. He looked older. Which was obvious he’d have changed in 4 years, but he looked older in a way that David couldn’t articulate.  


“I’m sure no one mentioned it,” his dad said, “But there was a day a few weeks ago when you and… when you were away and I’d had a little heart scare.”  


“Oh,” David said.  


“It was fine,” his father assured him, “And I’m glad it was nothing, but it feels very weird that right after you were the one in danger. It’s just… parents aren’t supposed to outlive their kids.”  


“I’m alive, Dad,” David snarked, but his voice cracked anyways.  


“I know, David,” he said with a sad smile, “But we’re all so much different than we were when we first came here. And there hasn’t been a moment I didn’t love you, but Schitt’s Creek made us different and it still sort of feels like I lost you.”  


“Oh,” David said again, his voice small. No one else had admitted yet that David wasn’t really himself. He was just confused, or difficult, or disoriented or another buzzword so David felt more comfortable. It was the first time that everything he already knew was being confirmed. They had all grown together and now… David was a different person. A less developed person. And he didn’t want to be. For the first time since he woke up, David truly ached to have to his memories back. He wanted to be the person that could have this kind of heartfelt talk with his father and have it not be ridiculously uncomfortable.  


“I didn’t mean to upset you, David,” he backtracked, but the damage had been done and David spoke before he could talk himself out of it.  


“The store,” David said, “Let’s start with the store.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm incredibly unhappy with this but I just wanted this chapter to be done so I could move forward. I lost like 1500 words I really liked a couple of days ago and never really recovered but it's done! And it was mostly a transition chapter anyways, so now we get to look forward to the actual meat of the story. Thanks for sticking with me and let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

Patrick couldn’t believe that the Roses would just spring this on him.  


He hadn’t seen David for more than week when Alexis had called him from the café saying they were bringing David to the store. That David had asked to see the store, more specifically.  


“The store or me?” Patrick asked.  


“Aren’t they sort of the same thing?” Alexis replied and she was right. But that didn’t help Patrick right now when he was weighing the pros and cons of hiding in the stock room for the foreseeable future.  


Patrick had behaved himself. He hadn’t gone to the motel even though David had been there for two days now. He didn’t push Alexis or Stevie for hourly updates even though he wanted to know what David was up to every moment of every day. He’d accepted the crumbs of information they’d sent him after every night of David not remembering him and not asking for him.  


And now he was being repaid with a surprise visit and Patrick was so unprepared it was almost funny. Patrick didn’t get rattled. He was the solid one in this relationship, that’s what he liked to tell himself anyways. He couldn’t imagine David behaving any better if the situations were reversed, but David constantly surprised him. Right now he was a mess. He hadn’t been the panicky since he decided to propose. That was a bad train of thought, he decided. Now all Patrick could think about now was whether or not David would be wearing his engagement rings. Probably not, right? He couldn’t imagine he would and it was going to gut him, Patrick could already tell.  


Why hadn’t Alexis told him exactly what time they were coming? She’d said they were getting coffee then they’d be over, but was David in the mood to savor his caramel macchiato or was it more of “I need to drink this as fast as possible because I need caffeine to function” kind of day? Alexis didn’t know these things. Only Patrick knew those things about David and he had _no idea_ when he was coming. Eventually, Patrick decided to just focus on the books so he wasn’t just obsessively staring out the window. At least there was something to focus on. It seemed like they had gotten a lot of pity sales this week. They’d sold tons of their more expensive items that people normally only bought for special occasions, the kinds of things David insisted on stocking no matter how much Patrick grumbled about them being money lost. Patrick couldn’t think about silver linings right now, but he was sure David would have an ‘I told you so’ comment about the alpaca scarves when this was all over.  


Patrick was so lost in his own thought he startled when the door opened. His heart jumped into his throat as his head snapped up, but it was only Stevie.  


“Hi,” she said, “He’s looking around out front.”  


“I see.”  


“He really likes the logo,” she offered.  


“He should, he designed it,” he said with a forced laugh.  


“So I realize we didn’t really ask if you were ready for this,” Stevie said as she leaned against the counter, “We’ve been really focused on David. But you don’t have to see him if you’re not ready yet.”  


“Oh,” Patrick breathed. There wasn’t a part of him that ever considered he’d deny David anything right now. No matter if it wrecked him, Patrick was counting down the minutes until he got to see David.  


“He’s still in pretty bad shape,” Stevie says, “He won’t admit it but he’s in a lot of pain and it’s making him mean.”  


“Meaner than usual?” Patrick asked. He was too focused on David being in pain to really answer Stevie’s question.  


“Yeah,” she sighed, “I’m about at my limit.”  


“And that’s why you’re here?” Patrick managed to smile, “To shove him off onto someone else?”  


“Mr. Rose talked to him, actually,” Stevie admitted, “And even though he’s terrified, David wanted to see the store.”  


“Oh,” Patrick repeated dumbly.  


“So, to get back to my question. He wants to see you but are you ready to see him?”  


“Yes,” Patrick said. It was barely above a whisper. If it wasn’t for Stevie nodding her head gently, he wasn’t sure he’d even said it out loud. She gave his hand a squeeze over the counter then she was gone.  


As she let David and Alexis into the store, Patrick released a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He’d been holding it for days, he realized. It felt like he hadn’t been alive since he’d last seen David and now he was feeling everything at once.  


The mood was awkward to say the least. Patrick didn’t want to break the silence, he had no idea what to say and David was just staring at him. Scrutinizing him in a way that made Patrick want to hide behind the counter. But he stayed still and let David study.  


“I like the sand and stone color palette. Was that me or you?” David said after what felt like an eternity of silence. Patrick almost cried at the sound of his voice. It was still David, his David. Patrick hadn’t really been worried it wasn’t the same David, but he was still struck by the David-ness of him. The same way he had been three years ago when he’d stumbled into Ray’s with no clue how to run a business. Stevie was wrong, he didn’t look mean, at least not to Patrick. He looked more guarded than Patrick had ever seen him. His face was schooled into forced disinterest and it was so good that Patrick wouldn’t have seen through it if hadn’t known David very well. But he did know David very well and it was breaking his heart that he was being so careful. This was worse than the early days when Patrick had almost had to pry honesty and vulnerability from him. It was worse than when Rachel came, worse than anything he’d ever seen. But it was still David, his David, and Patrick was just going to have to work harder to earn his trust again. Patrick’s knees would have buckled if he hadn’t had the counter to steady him.  


It was a good thing David didn’t wait for an answer to his question because Patrick barely remembered what he had asked and he had apparently lost control of his vocal cords. Patrick watched as David walked around the store. He was doing a remarkable job seeming like he hadn’t just been in a car accident, but Patrick noticed the way he shied away from the bright lights of the store and how occasionally be winced if he moved too fast. Patrick considered dimming the lights, but he knew David wouldn’t appreciate him drawing attention to his vulnerabilities. Instead, Patrick watched as he straightened a bottle here and read a label there and waited for him to pass judgement.  


“We should really stock more knits,” David murmured as he took in the gutted scarf section.  


“We do,” Patrick managed to find his voice, “We actually sold most of them this week.”  


“Really?” David asked with a quirked eyebrow, “They’re $80 apiece and it’s August.”  


Patrick shrugged, “They’re good scarves.”  


“Or they’re pity buys,” he mused and Patrick nearly wept at how normal it all felt, David hadn’t seemed to lose his cynicism or dry humor. Stevie and Alexis were hanging back and just watching them experience each other. It was so normal and also ridiculous at the same time.  


“Oh, this isn’t right,” David said as he began reorganizing the lip balms and hand creams to a more aesthetically pleasing arrangement for him before turning back to Patrick sheepishly, “Sorry.”  


“Don’t be,” he said, “It’s your store.”  


“It isn’t though, not really,” David mused once again turning away from Patrick.  


“David-”  


“I’m ready to go,” he said suddenly to Stevie. She glanced at Patrick and it looked for a minute like she was going to argue, like she was going to fight for Patrick instead of acquiescing to David. Then Patrick shook his head gently. He wasn’t going to push David, not on this, and Stevie and Alexis led David from the store.  


It was a minute before Patrick realized he’d forgotten to check for the engagement rings. And Patrick completely lost it. 

* * *

Patrick managed to drag himself through the rest of the day. He’d used his lunch break to take a nap instead of eating, the emotional roller coaster of the day plus him not getting more than a few hours of sleep all week rendered him almost completely useless. By the time 5:00 rolled around he was starving but wasn’t confident he could choke anything down.  


It had been fine. All things considered, it had gone alright.  


It was just that Patrick didn’t want alright. He wasn’t a romantic. That’s what he told himself anyways, anyone who had seen him around David was bound to disagree. He wasn’t a romantic and he was realistic. He knew David wasn’t going to remember everything just by laying eyes on Patrick. But that complete lack of recognition, if Patrick saw it one more time it was liable to kill him.  


Stevie had called a couple of times after dropping David off at the motel to make sure he was okay. Patrick couldn’t bring himself to answer. David was sick, not him, and Patrick refused to drag anyone else into his self-pity.  


The thing was, Patrick didn’t know what David had been looking for at the store. It clearly wasn’t him, he had barely glanced at Patrick. The few words they exchanged had no substance. David was normally so expressive and Patrick couldn’t pick up any trace of curiosity about the man David was supposed to marry. There was a corner of his mind that thought David was never going to come back after today. Whatever David had wanted, he had gotten it and left. He was never going to get a chance to tell David their whole love story. The good the bad, the exciting and the mundane. He was never going to get the chance to apologize for being an ass at Moira’s premiere.  


Suddenly Patrick couldn’t stand to be in the store a minute longer. He half-assed their closing procedures and managed to get home without having to speak to anyone then he was in his own apartment that felt unbearably big and lonely. If he was hoping to escape David by going back to his house, he was sorely disappointed. The apartment was so full of David it was liable to burst. His sweaters, his skin care products, his stupid eucalyptus eye serum that he insisted Patrick put on for him. Patrick would give anything to enable David’s skin care obsession right now. Looking around, there was actually a lot of David’s clothes here. Which made sense, because David was practically moved in at this point. What was he even going to wear when all his clothes were here?  


Patrick was weighing the pros and cons of taking some stuff back to the motel when his phone rang.  


David’s name lit up his screen above a picture from the day after his birthday party.  


Patrick froze. David was calling him.  


Patrick hesitated just a second too long to answer it and the screen switched from the call to a missed call notification. Patrick kicked himself. No one would call from David’s phone unless it was important. He didn’t even entertain the possibility that it had been David.  


He didn’t have to wonder for too long because his phone started ringing. David, again. This time, Patrick didn’t hesitate.  


“Hello?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. There was no answer, “Hello?” Once again, no response but Patrick wouldn’t dream of hanging up, “David?”  


“I’m sorry,” came a murmured reply about a minute later. Patrick’s heart nearly stopped. It was David. It was actually David.  


“About what?” he asked, “Are you okay?”  


“I feel like I’m losing my mind,” David confessed, “There’s just so much I don’t know. And I feel like I’ve lost something, but not enough for a whole life. Like… I saw Roland today and he guessed us babysitting was out of the question for a while. And like, if I was someone who babysat an actual infant and they didn’t end up lost or dead… I’m a totally different person.”  


“It is so unbelievable that someone would trust you with their child?” Patrick choked out. It wasn’t his most sensitive sentence, but his brain was hardly working.  


_“Yes_ ,” he insisted, “I feel like this whole thing is one big joke.”  


“I don’t think anyone finds it funny,” Patrick said, “Especially not me.” It was a gamble, bringing up their relationship. Patrick still didn’t know why he was calling, and he figured it was worth the risk. He was rewarded with an excruciatingly long silence.  


“I think you are the funniest thing of all,” David said finally and Patrick practically collapsed on his couch, “The idea of me being married to another human being is hilarious.”  


Patrick couldn’t think of a single thing to say to that. Maybe David had been looking at him at the store the whole time after all. He had been looking for something and he hadn’t found it and now David was calling him. There was nothing David hated more than what he couldn’t understand. That made Patrick the most interesting and infuriating thing in the world right now.  


“I shouldn’t have called,” David said after Patrick took too long to respond, “I’m sorry.”  


“David, wait,” Patrick said, willing the other man not to hang up.  


“What?” he asked it like Patrick might actually have the answers to all of David’s questions. He very well might, Patrick realized.  


“Come over.”  


“What?” he repeated.  


“Or I can pick you up,” he continued, “Just… don’t hang up.”  


“Okay,” David breathed on the other side of the line, “But why?”  


“I just…” Patrick struggled for the right words, “I want to show you something.”  


“Show me what?” David replied. Patrick would laugh at how stubborn he was being if his tone wasn’t so damn cautious.  


“You don’t understand us,” Patrick admitted. Maybe he should clean up or something? Patrick could barely make himself talk, let alone move.  


“Not even a little,” he admitted.  


“Then let me show you,” Patrick replied before he thought better of it, “Stay for a second or forever, just give me a chance to explain this.”  


Instead of an answer, David hung up. Patrick didn’t call back and he didn’t let himself obsess over what that meant. David had called him. That was more than Patrick had been expecting today or for the foreseeable future. So Patrick denied his nature of being a man of action and just waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi All! This one came really easily so maybe there will be a second chapter this week. Let me know what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

This was a bad idea, David knew it even as he was walking to Patrick’s apartment. A few minutes after David had hung up Patrick texted him the address but nothing else, which was considerate. He hadn’t even thought to ask and it was going to be embarrassing to call him back after hanging up.  


Why had he hung up?  


David didn’t even know why he had called in the first place.  


The store made him feel unhinged. Like for the first time, he was aware of what he had forgotten. He couldn’t pick out anything specific, but walking into Rose Apothecary made him aware of a huge empty part of his mind. He hated it. He wanted to experience it again.  


And Patrick…  


David had basically bolted from the store before he could even ask the man anything. And he had a million questions. Just none that he wanted to ask in front of Alexis and Stevie. He loved them, and it was clear how close they’d gotten over the last 4 years, but David couldn’t make himself be that exposed in front of them. Not to mention that he didn’t want to put Patrick through that particular emotional roller coaster in public.  


Patrick did an excellent job of pretending he wasn’t waiting with bated breath for David to say something. David couldn’t imagine wearing his feelings so openly on his face. It suddenly wasn’t so unbelievable that David had fallen in love with this man. The weight of Patrick’s gaze had been scary and exhilarating and all David wanted to do was get him alone.  


Their brief conversation came easy even if there was an undercurrent of tension to every word. David wanted to talk to him all day. Then he had mentioned the store and the force with which Patrick insisted it was still his, still _theirs_ , it was too much. If David stayed much longer he was going to come completely undone. He was exhausted and his head hurt and David really, really didn’t want to fall apart in the middle of town. Patrick wouldn’t have faulted him for it, David knew that instinctively. Alexis and Stevie probably would have understood too. But David really couldn’t take anymore vulnerability today, so he ran.  


Then the guilt set in. He’d forced everything to go how he wanted it to go, to see what he wanted to see. He’d begged Alexis not to tell Patrick they were coming. Something in him wanted to see Patrick as naturally as possible, and David could tell he was caught off guard. It wasn’t fair. But none of this was fair. It wasn’t fair that this was happening to him and it hadn’t gotten any better in almost a week. It wasn’t fair that the only place David had felt anything familiar also made him feel like he was about to unravel.  


He’d spiraled for the rest of the day. Stevie had tried to pry what he was feeling out of him, but David couldn’t articulate it even if he wanted to. Eventually, she just dropped him off with a terse nod and Alexis had to do some crow related activity and David was alone.  


David was really and truly alone for the first time since the accident. After about an hour he was going out of his mind. If he was being honest, he wanted to go back to the store. But how could he after the way he’d behaved? He’d gone mostly to talk to Patrick then left with barely a word. That didn’t stop David from scratching the itch that was his life with Patrick.  


He’d managed to swipe his phone from Alexis even though he still wasn’t supposed to be around screens. He went through his own Instagram again. He stared at the engagement picture again for an unreasonable amount of time. There were other pictures of Patrick. Some from his birthday party, one from the day the store opened. A few miscellaneous dates. They looked so happy in all of them. Since when had David allowed himself to be so outwardly, obnoxiously happy?  


By 6:00 PM David was certain he was going to completely lose his mind if he didn’t talk to someone about the mess that was his mind.  


So he called Patrick.  


And he hadn’t picked up. Of course he didn’t, why would he? David had barely given him the time of day. David called him again before he could talk himself out of it. He already had a rambling voicemail planned when Patrick’s voice broke through the silence, “Hello?”  


David said nothing, he suddenly didn’t know why he’d called or what he wanted. It wasn’t fair to ask Patrick for sympathy or companionship, and if that wasn’t what he was asking for, why had he called?  


“Hello?” Patrick asked again. David wished he would just hang up. They could go back to ignoring each other and pretending like everything was okay. But he stubbornly just wouldn’t hang up, “David?”  


David had remained silent for an excruciatingly long time before he blurted out an apology. Then Patrick asked if he was okay and everything just started pouring out of David. He couldn’t stop it even if he’d wanted to, and he found that he didn’t want it to stop. He had been hiding for so long and he felt so comfortable with Patrick even if he didn’t know why. He spilled that stupid story Roland had told him about babysitting his actual, human child because that was apparently something he and Patrick did with some frequency. David didn’t know the person he was. He’d never really known himself, but it seemed like he had become an entirely new man and it was incredibly scary not to know how he’d done it.  


Then Patrick invited him over, which was the scariest thing of all.  


He shouldn’t go.  


But he wanted it.  


It sounded so nice to just have Patrick tell him about himself. His family was constantly hinting at things he should remember, as if he’d be able to get it without any clues. He even caught Stevie looking at him expectantly sometimes. But Patrick… there was something about Patrick that seemed easier. Natural.  


He wanted it. He wanted the store and the fiancé, even the occasional babysitting. He wanted a life that seemed so much easier than anything he’d ever known. He wanted it so badly it was overwhelming. So he hung up. He pretended for a moment to contemplate not going, but a minute later he was grabbing his things and out the door.  


He was in no shape to walk to his apartment, but it wasn’t like he could drive. Even if the car wasn’t totaled, David couldn’t see himself getting behind a wheel any time soon. Even if he couldn’t remember the crash itself, his anxiety spiked any time he was in car at all. But god, his ribs were screaming as he walked through town. He was tempted to take Patrick up on his offer to pick him up, but again decided that his pride wouldn’t allow him to call Patrick back. Just arriving unannounced after hanging up on him was only slightly better, but David didn’t have many options here.  


He should have also told someone he was going out, but if he did that then they’d want to know where he was going and that was a conversation he really didn’t want to have right now. He’d so steadfastly refused any reference to Patrick when he was in the hospital. He didn’t even want to consider what this visit meant with himself, let alone having to explain it to anyone else. He’d tell Stevie, maybe, if she suddenly proved she could be trusted. She’d gotten so buddy-buddy with Alexis this past week he really didn’t know where her loyalties lay anymore.  


David was so wrapped up in his anxieties that he almost completely missed Patrick’s building. Schitt’s Creek was small and the walk had only take him about 10 minutes. He stood in front of Patrick’s door fortifying himself. He was already here, he might as well actually take the final step.  


“Come on, David,” he murmured to himself, then he knocked on the door and resisted the urge to turn around. The door opened so quickly that David flinched back.  


“Hi,” Patrick said a little sheepishly. He must have been waiting for him. The idea of them waiting for each other just on the other side of the door made David’s heart start to race.  


“Hi,” he murmured back. They just stared at each other for a moment. Patrick looked worn out. He looked probably about as good as David felt. His eyes seemed to sparkle looking at David, though, which did wonders to his overall appearance but didn’t quite hide the dark circles that could only come from several days without sleep. David was all too familiar with that kind of spiraling worry. David’s heart twisted painfully in his chest. Something deep within him wanted nothing more than to make Patrick okay. David shook with the sudden force of it and tried to stamp it down. Today wasn’t about getting together (getting back together? Staying together?), it couldn’t be, “Can I come in?”  


“Right, yes,” Patrick said, “You can come in since I’m the one who invited you over.”  


David bit down a smile at his flustered rambling. God, he was cute. David could very much see how he fell for this man, he could see himself falling again. It was terrifying.  


Patrick’s apartment was modest but cozy. It looked like a place he could feel safe, like somewhere he’d treat like home. In fact-  


“Is that my sweater?” David asked, gesturing to a garment hanging over Patrick’s desk chair.  


“Yes, it is,” Patrick admitted.  


“Are those also my sweaters?” David asked again, this time pointed to a pile of folded laundry.  


“Yes, David, a lot of your sweaters are here,” Patrick replied. David would have thought he was annoyed if his eyes weren’t sparkling with amusement.  


“Interesting,” David murmured as he ran his hands over his knits.  


“Did you come here to get your clothes back?” Patrick teased.  


“If I recall correctly, I don’t really know why I’m here,” David replied, suddenly serious. The flirting was nice and definitely made his stomach do flips, but he couldn’t be feeling these things right now. They had a history even if David couldn’t remember it. He couldn’t be casual with this.  


“Right,” Patrick replied, matching David’s serious tone, “Right.”  


“So…” David trailed off as he leaned against the back of Patrick’s couch with his arms crossed.  


“So,” Patrick repeated as he mirrored David’s position on the foot of the bed.  


“Do you want the engagement rings back?” David blurted out.  


“What?” Patrick asked incredulously.  


“The rings,” David lifted his left hand for emphasis. He’d considered not wearing them. It didn’t feel right to just assume they were still engaged after this. But he couldn’t find his silver rings and the thought of leaving the motel without something on his hands made him feel naked. So he’d left them on. He’d been twirling them on the walk over, wondering if Patrick would mention them. If he’d even notice. It turned out David didn’t have to worry about Patrick noticing these things on his own, it seemed like David was just going to blurt out whatever thought crossed his mind.  


“You want to give back your engagement rings?” Patrick asked. He was doing a bad of hiding the hurt in his voice, if he was trying to hide it at all.  


“They don’t really feel like they’re mine,” David replied as he lowered his eyes.  


“David,” Patrick said with far too much tenderness. It was the same tone he’s used when David had said the store wasn’t his. It made him feel so dizzy with something unnamable he was lucky he was already sitting.  


“I just,” David said, “They looked expensive, and obviously we’re not engaged. So if you wanted them for sentimental reasons or if you wanted to move on-”  


“ _David_ ,” Patrick said again more forcefully. Almost angrily, “It’s been seven days and you think I want to _move on_?”  


“I don’t know what to think!” David replied. “I don’t know you!”  


“Okay,” Patrick said with obvious forced calm, “Okay, you’re right.”  


“I know I’m right,” David couldn’t help himself and the slight roll of Patrick’s eyes revealed that he knew it too.  


“You’re right,” Patrick repeated, “But I think we had a… miscommunication.”  


“A miscommunication?” David repeated.  


Patrick stood up and took a small step towards David. As if he was a skittish animal that he didn’t want to scare away. Well, wasn’t that exactly what he was, “David, I asked you here so I could tell you our story. And see if you wanted to give it a try. Give _us_ a try.”  


“Oh,” David replied.  


“Oh,” Patrick agreed.  


“I just didn’t want to assume anything,” David continued, “I’d understand if you didn’t want to stay together. It’s not like we’re married already. There’s nothing keeping you here,” David gestured vaguely towards himself.  


“You are my partner David,” Patrick said suddenly, “In business and in life. It doesn’t matter that we’re not legally married. I want you for better or for worse. This is… obviously worse, but I’m not going to just abandon you.” David forced himself to look in Patrick’s eyes and saw nothing but sincerity there. It was too much. This was _way_ too much. He hadn’t come here for this. It was basically another marriage proposal.  


“I’m sorry,” David said, “It’s just… a lot.”  


“I can’t even imagine,” Patrick replied, “And I understand if you don’t want to be together right now.”  


“You do?”  


“David, I’m not going to force you into this relationship,” Patrick said with a little bit of exasperation, “If you want to break up, of course I’d let you go. I just didn’t want to lose you without a fight.”  


“And this is your fight?”  


“It seemed like actually talking was a good place to start,” he shrugged, “So I’ve been honest with you. Why don’t you be honest with me?”  


“Calling out of nowhere to say I was falling apart wasn’t honest enough for you?” David meant to say it as a joke, but it came out dry and broken.  


“If you want to stop we can,” Patrick said, “But you called me for a reason. You feel it too, don’t you?”  


“Feel what?” David lied and Patrick just laughed sadly.  


“Okay, so you’re not ready to admit it,” Patrick acquiescenced.  


“That’s not it,” David argued, “I just can’t _explain_ it.”  


“Okay,” Patrick said, “So what do you want to do?”  


“I just want to understand,” David replied, “I want to know everything I don’t know and I want to understand everything about this that it completely incomprehensible.”  


“Okay, David, I’m going to need you to be a little more specific,” Patrick said, and damn it, David could hear the smile in his voice. This guy was never going to cut him a break, was he?  


“Okay,” David took a deep breath and tried again, “The doctor said I should try to relive some of my experiences here, like being in familiar places might trigger something. 

The thing is the entire town is familiar because it’s like two square miles. Everyone I’ve talked to I already remember.”  


“And you don’t remember me,” Patrick said with sudden understanding.  


“And everyone is too busy treating me like I’ll break to actually tell me anything real,” David agreed.  


“So you want to what, recreate our whole relationship?”  


“While that sounds like a romantic melodrama in the making, I was thinking of maybe just our greatest hits.”  


“Our greatest hits,” Patrick murmured, “Okay.”  


“Okay?”  


“I’m in,” Patrick said and he looked at David with such open honesty and hope that David’s heart did a weird twist then a sense of clarity on why he’d come.  


Yes, it was hard to have lost four years of his life. But the only thing he had really lost was Patrick. Alexis, Stevie and his parents could help him through anything else. But Patrick… Patrick was the only thing that hinged on David getting his memories back.  


And the way Patrick was looking at him right now, David decided that was something worth fighting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big shoutout to the RA discord for bullying me into posting this. Jk, but they knew that I was really iffy on if this was the direction I wanted to go and I would probably be stewing over it for weeks if it wasn't for them. But here we are, let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

_You’re doing this for David_ , Patrick thought to himself as he buttoned up his suit jacket. If this was what David needed to get… clarity or whatever, he would do it.  


It didn’t matter that so far it wasn’t working. Or that nothing was working even though it had been nearly a month since the accident. Three weeks since David had come to Patrick desperate for something he still couldn’t even name. It didn’t matter that even Alexis was losing some of her optimism at this point. _David _was still trying, and as long as he had hope Patrick was helpless to do anything but follow him.  
__

____

But god, it was hurting him.  


____

David had wanted to recreate every major event in their relationship but Patrick couldn’t pick out what was important. In the early days, everything had been relevant. Every look David had given him, every slight brush of David’s hands against his when he took his morning coffee, every whiff he caught of his cologne was earthshattering. How could Patrick ever recreate that?  


____

The answer, it turned out, was with a lot of pain. Patrick thought he had some time before he got to their actual relationship, but it had really been no time at all. It had been all too easy to get Ray to help recreate their first meeting and it had just spiraled from there. 3 years ago, Patrick thought they had moved unbelievably slowly towards a relationship, but in retrospect it had only been a few months. He had just been too eager back then and every second without David felt like an eternity.  


____

It didn’t help that David didn’t want to take the time between events. Before he knew it, Patrick was staring down their first real date and what was he going to do after _that_?  


____

Patrick wished he had set down some ground rules with this. He wasn’t going to do anything that made David uncomfortable, but David didn’t seem to have anything off limits. He’d given David the nutshell version of their relationship, saving the details for the actual events, and David trusted him. He trusted him to lead them through this and to not feel like his heart was breaking every time it didn’t work. Patrick think of any ground rules that didn’t make him seem like a coward, and if David was dealing with this in stride he should be able to suck it up.  


____

There were times when David seemed completely cold and methodical towards what they were doing. They were supposed to be falling in love and David was detached at best. Patrick knew it was just David’s way of protecting himself (because he _knew_ David), but that didn’t make it any easier that David had taken his hand as they “met” for the first time as if it was a chore instead of it being the most important day of Patrick’s life.  


____

They were supposed to _kiss_ tonight. He was supposed to let David kiss him like it wouldn’t feel like the most important kiss of his life. Why had he ever agreed to this?  


____

Because David had walked into his apartment looking so scared and confused. Then he’d asked if Patrick wanted the rings back and Patrick would have done _anything_ to wipe that look off of his face. He hadn’t looked so small and unsure of himself in all the time Patrick had known him. Schitt’s Creek changed David, Patrick knew that. It was one thing to know it, but it was another to be confronted with it. Patrick always wondered who exactly had hurt David to make him so guarded, but David was too afraid of being too much to ever tell him the full stories and Patrick was too afraid of pushing him to ask. By the time Patrick met him, those hurts were scabs that only hurt when pressed and Patrick didn’t want to hurt him anymore. But when David walked into his apartment… Patrick could see the absence of those 4 years. Those scars he was so accustomed to looked like fresh wounds. He very nearly told David he loved him, just because it looked like he had never heard it before. He might have if David hadn’t looked like a skittish animal. Calling him his partner made him look ready to run for the hills.  


____

In the heat of the moment Patrick had been drunk on having David alone. Patrick would have given him the moon that night if he’d asked. Now he was starting to regret agreeing to this without anything in place to protect himself. _You’re doing this for David_ , he thought again as he grabbed the present he’d taken entirely too much time wrapping. It was the same thing he’d gotten David three years ago, the first receipt from their store in a decidedly un-corporate frame. Patrick sighed and checked his hair one more time in the mirror. There was nothing he could do to stall any longer and if he waited he was going to be late. He’d agreed to this and he wasn’t going to stand David up. With a sigh, Patrick stepped out of his apartments and locked the door. 

____

* * *

____

“This is such a stupid idea,” Stevie murmured as she slid into the booth across from David. It wasn’t a secret, she’d disagreed with this plan right from the start.  


____

“The doctor said to take him to familiar places, not recreate his entire life,” she’d muttered when Patrick had called her three weeks ago.  


____

“Well it wasn’t working,” Patrick said calmly, “And David wants-”  


____

“What about what you want?” she’d shot back, and that had caught Patrick off guard.  


____

“I just want my fiancé back,” he’d murmured. At the time, it was true. He wasn’t feeling any of his current anxieties then.  


____

“I know,” she said, “But Patrick, if it doesn’t work you know it will break your heart.” He couldn’t even deny it so he didn’t try. Instead he’d given her the timeline of events and made it clear this was happening with or without her. She’d eventually decided it was less likely to end in disaster with her, so she’d helped under duress. She never said I told you so after every failure but Patrick would have almost preferred that to the pity that seemed to radiate off her every time it didn’t work.  


____

“Is anybody else coming?” Patrick asked, ignoring her.  


____

“Um, no?” David replied. For his part, he looked just as uncomfortable as Patrick felt. Telling him what to expect without giving everything away had been a delicate game and it was only getting harder. Patrick had told him this turned into their first date even though he hadn’t known it at the time and they’d kissed at some point, but David was flying blind other than that. If Patrick was scared, David must be terrified but he hadn’t complained or tried to stop anything. Not even the hug the night the store opened that had lasted far longer than it had in reality. Patrick wasn’t willing to fuck up their electricity to make the lights flicker, so he’d held on to David until it felt too long then held on a few seconds longer. David had eventually been the one to pull away first and there had been a tense moment where it looked like he was going to say something. But instead he just shook his head sadly and untangled himself from Patrick’s arms.  


____

David looked so dejected at every turn and the worst part was Patrick couldn’t even hide his own disappointment. David was still going the therapy in Elmdale twice a week and he knew the therapist was telling him not to force anything and Patrick knew he wasn’t listening to her. If anything, he was trying harder every day which just made it all the more disappointing. Patrick was sure that was why he hadn’t objected to the kiss even though it was definitely a bad idea. Patrick had agreed in turn because he couldn’t stand another night of tasting nothing but his own disappointment.  


____

“I’m just going to hit the restroom real quick,” Patrick said since it was clear Stevie wasn’t going to cooperate then he was alone.  


____

He could do this. All he had to do was get through the present, then he could steer the conversation as soon as Stevie left. The present was the hardest thing until the end of the night when… god, Patrick couldn’t do this. He stayed in the bathroom as long as was acceptable before heading back out. Dutifully, Stevie had set the present on the table.  


____

“Open it, David,” Stevie said halfheartedly and David obliged, “What is it?”  


____

“It’s nothing. It’s just the receipt from our first sale at the store,” Patrick said sheepishly. He wasn’t going to tell David or Stevie, but it had taken quite a bit of digging to get another copy of it. He couldn’t bring himself to ask David to give him the original one back so he’d had to go all the way back in their records. But the way David was looking at it made all the trouble worth it.  


____

“This is not nothing,” He murmured as he reverently stroked the frame, “You got this for me?”  


____

“Yeah,” Patrick nodded, his voice nearly breaking. Stevie shot a raised eyebrow at him but Patrick dutifully ignored it.  


____

“Two jars of bath salts and three lip balms… this is not nothing,” David replied.  


____

“I have to go,” Stevie said, and for once she didn’t sound so put upon. She took a few of their mozzarella sticks the same way she had on their date and then it was just David and Patrick. Well, David, Patrick, and the thick tension between them.  


____

“Can we hit pause for a second?” David asked.  


____

“Sure, what’s up?” Patrick said far more casually than he felt.  


____

“So you walked in with a present and wearing a suit jacket and I didn’t know this was a date?” David asked incredulously, “That seems oblivious, even for me.”  


____

Patrick couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up out of him, “Yeah, I thought so too.”  


____

“Well you don’t have to sound so pleased about it,” David pouted.  


____

“I’m sorry,” Patrick said forcing his smile down, “We talked about it later. We were friends and business partners and you didn’t want to ruin anything by being presumptuous. And you didn’t know I was gay, so…”  


____

“So I invited Stevie to our date to cock block myself, got it,” David nodded.  


____

“Right, so then Stevie left and we had a great date.”  


____

“Do you want to do that part or can we skip these _lovely_ looking mozzarella sticks?”  


____

“Well they do a great wine pairing with that so,” Patrick quipped, then David was silent for a long moment, “What?”  


____

“Just a second,” David said seriously. His eyes were flitting back and forth, from the plate to Patrick and back again.  


____

“David-”  


____

“I said just a second,” David snapped and Patrick shut up. Was this… was David remembering something? “I said that, that thing about the wine pairing. I said that on the date didn’t I?” then it was Patrick’s turn to sit silently and just gape at David, “Patrick?”  


____

“Yeah,” he said after what felt like an eternity, “Yeah, you did. Is there… is there anything else?”  


____

David stared intently at the table for another moment before shaking his head, “No,” he said, “That’s all I remember. Just that line. I don’t even remember you sitting across from me.”  


____

Okay, that one hurt but Patrick did his best to not let it show, “David, you remembered something.”  


____

“Nothing important,” he frowned.  


____

“It’s all important.”  


____

“No, it isn’t,” David said as he slammed his hands down on the table, “A quip about fucking mozzarella sticks isn’t important.”  


____

“David,” Patrick said more forcefully, “Go a little easy on yourself.”  


____

“No,” David insisted, “It has been a _month_ and if this is all I can remember…” and then Patrick saw the tears in David’s eyes and he instinctively reached up to wipe them away. It wasn’t the first time he and David had touched in the last month, but it was the first time without any sort of pretense of trying to recreate something. A shock of electricity shot up Patrick’s arm at the contact and he tried not to let it show on his face.  


____

“David,” he said tenderly, “This might just be the beginning”  


____

“What if it isn’t?”  


____

“Then we’ll keep going,” Patrick said simply. He left his hands resting on David’s face until he noticed what he was doing. Reluctantly, Patrick let David go, “So, should we finish this date or skip to the end?”  


____

“The end,” David said immediately and Patrick’s stomach started to twist with nerves again. He didn’t want to kiss David out of the blue but if he was starting to remember…  


____

Patrick quickly paid the check then walked David out to the car. David must have been able to sense the turn of Patrick’s thoughts because he was silent the whole drive back to motel. Patrick could see him playing with his rings but he didn’t know what to say. All too soon, they were in the parking lot and Patrick was out of time. This felt like it was truly the point of no return. If he kissed David now then he wasn’t going to be able to keep his feelings hidden.  


____

“I’m really glad I decided to invest in your business, David,” Patrick said softly, almost too soft for David to hear him.  


____

“Patrick, just stop for a second,” David said just as softly, “This is… this is where we kiss, isn’t it?”  


____

Patrick held his gaze for a moment, “Yeah,” he said, “We went back and forth for a bit then you leaned over and kissed me. I said thank you and that I’ve never kissed a guy before. Then I said how scared I was that-”  


____

And then, David’s lips were on his and everything felt right with the world. It was tentative at first, just like their first kiss had been. David’s hand was cupping Patrick’s cheek and he could feel the cool metal of his rings grounding him to reality. But then…  


____

Then, Patrick lost control. He pulled David closer by the front of his sweater and practically pried his lips open with his tongue. David made a soft whimper in the back of his throat and Patrick was done for. He swept his tongue into David’s mouth and took everything he would give him. He tangled his hands in the long hair on the back of David’s head and pulled him forward just so they could get closer, closer, closer.  


____

Then David pulled back with a gasp of pain and Patrick released him as if the noise burned him, “Oh god, are you okay?” Patrick panted trying to catch his breath.  


____

“Yeah,” David replied. Patrick took a small amount of pride in how wrecked David looked by the kiss, “Yeah, the seatbelt was just cutting into my ribs and yknow, car accident.”  


____

“Shit, right,” Patrick said, suddenly unable to look at David any longer.  


____

“Hey,” David said. Patrick could feel his eyes on him but he refused to look, “I’m sorry if I caught you by surprise. We never really talked about this but…it felt right.”  


____

“It did?” Patrick replied. His voice sounded shaky even to himself.  


____

“Yeah.”  


____

“And did you feel anything?”  


____

“Did I remember anything?” David asked, and that hadn’t really been what Patrick was asking but he nodded anyways, “No.” he didn’t even take the time to think about it this time.  


____

“Okay,” Patrick took a steadying breath. “Well, that was the end of the date.”  


____

“Okay,” David looked at him for a long moment. There were times when David’s face was entirely too loud and Patrick could read him like a book. This wasn’t one of those times. All the things David must have been thinking or feeling were maddeningly hidden behind a cool mask of indifference. It was how David had looked the night of Moira’s premiere, Patrick realized. It was how David looked when to express what he was feeling would break him apart.  


____

Or Patrick was delusional and the kiss hadn’t effected David at all. Patrick couldn’t decide which would have been worse. The silence stretched out between them. There were too many things he could say and Patrick couldn’t make a choice on where to go with this. David eventually broke the silence as he unbuckled his seatbelt, “Goodnight, Patrick.”  


____

“Can I call you tomorrow?” Patrick asked. Because after that kiss, he just had to be sure.  


____

“You can call me whenever you’d like,” David replied before turning his back on Patrick.  


____

Patrick was halfway back to his apartment before he fully realized what David had said.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! Guess what? I entirely scrapped the climax of this story because I decided it was dumb! I also sacrificed some completely anecdotal parts that I liked but didn't add much. That's okay, because now I have a much clearer idea of how to get where I'm going. Thanks again for all the enthusiasm for this story, I definitely wouldn't be writing as fast without it. As always, tell me what you think!


	8. Chapter 8

Inappropriate. Unfair. Completely out of line.  


Words kept swirling through David’s mind as he walked away from Patrick. He had no right to kiss Patrick like that.  


_Earthshattering. Life changing. Perfect_ , his traitorous brain supplied. The best damn kiss of his life and David knew he could never do it again. If every kiss with Patrick was like that it was going to tear him in two.  


David tried his best to put it out of his mind as he closed the door of the motel and not read too much into Patrick’s car not pulling away for several long minutes. It wasn’t as hard as it should have been. His head was killing him, had been killing him even before Patrick had come and confused everything tonight. The doctor had told him that migraines were a very common after-effect of concussions, so he uncharacteristically wasn’t worrying about it. At least it made falling asleep easier than it would have ever been after a night like _that_.  


Before David even realized it, it was morning. He’d awoken before his alarm for once and felt uncharacteristically refreshed. The rest of the weekend went the same way, and on Monday David woke up with his first alarm. Patrick would look surprised and impressed when he got to work on time.  


Or at least he would have if David didn’t spend every morning debating for at least ten minutes about the engagement rings. It normally made him late. It didn’t feel right to wear them, but it felt worse without them. It always went the same way. He’d put them on then take them off right before leaving. Then he’d feel guilty and go back for them. Rinse and repeat as needed.  


And Patrick clocked them. Every. Damn. Time. He always looked pleased and a little nervous and David never wanted to see what Patrick would look like if David came in without them on. Or worse, with the silver rings that he still hadn’t found. So David slipped them on his left hand, same as always and went to the store. Leaving the motel seemed to switch on the guilt David had managed to push down all weekend.  


Something was different today. Of course it would be different, David had crossed a line on Friday.  


_Can I call you tomorrow?_ Patrick had asked and then he didn’t even though David had said possibly the most desperate thing in response. _You can call me whenever you’d like_. He meant it, but Patrick didn’t need to know that David would have given him anything if he’d just ask for it.  


The thing was Patrick didn’t ask for anything. It was disconcerting, if David was being honest, to not have any idea what Patrick wanted from him. There was, of course, the obvious. Patrick wanted David to get his memories back. David wasn’t an idiot. The kiss had been hot and Patrick definitely gave him butterflies, but there was no way they could be together like this. Patrick wanted his fiancé. There was no doubt that David was starting to fall for Patrick, but there was also no doubt that David would never be someone’s fiancé as he was now. Patrick loved David, but he wouldn’t _fall in love_ with David. He wanted the David he was already in love with. He hadn’t said any of this, of course, but David could read between the lines.  


Patrick wasn’t his. Patrick would never be his. Not like this, not right now. It would be so easy to just let himself fall into this without thinking of the consequences. It was basically how David lived his entire life, and the consequences always came back to break his heart. The first time with Patrick, David had apparently taken his time and it had led to Patrick proposing. If David fell now, it would inevitably lead to disaster. David didn’t know if he’d ever get his memories back, but he’d never forgive his future self for ruining his own happiness just because his present self had no control. David’s therapist had been trying to break him of thinking of himself as two different people, but it was the only thing that made sense, especially after nights where he felt so unlike himself. Nights like when he kissed Patrick.  


With every passing day, he saw Patrick see more of his future slip away. David would do anything to get that dogged look off Patrick’s face, but he couldn’t change himself on a fundamental level. They were getting desperate. Things had started off so well at the Café. Sure, Stevie wasn’t thrilled with this entire arrangement, but she hadn’t refused to help. Then David had remembered his mozzarella stick quip. There had been a moment where David thought everything was about to come back. He could feel it, right in the back of his mind. He remembered this date, and he remembered Patrick. It was so fucking _close_. Then he’d lost it just as quick as he found it and he couldn’t even remember who had been sitting across from him. But he remembered the fucking mozzarella sticks.  


So David had kissed him, because it was in the script and David was feeling desperate and wild. It had been a good kiss. Sweet and spontaneous. It was different than any other kiss he’d ever had. Then Patrick had somehow made it better. He was so straight-laced all the time and then he snapped. David made him snap. That was more like the kisses David was used to. It was desperate and demanding without ever being violating and David had fallen right into it.  


David shook his head and walked into the store. Can’t think of wrecking someone right before they had to work together for six hours.  


There was a nervous energy to Patrick when he walked in the store that David might have thought was adorable if it wasn’t an inevitable precursor to how badly this was going to end. They shared a moment of tense eye contact before Patrick looked away.  


David wouldn’t be the one to break the silence, he decided. It was Patrick’s turn to make a move. And it didn’t happen.  


They danced around each other all day. David was itching to know how the first real day of their relationship had gone, but David could barely pry a hello out Patrick, let alone an explanation. This was it, David realized, the kiss had ruined everything. David was going to lose something he hadn’t even really had, and it _hurt_.  


It was nearly the end of the day when Patrick finally broke his silence, “David, I’m sorry” he said as David was counting the till. He stopped in surprise. Had anyone ever really apologized to him before?  


“About what?” David asked as casually as he could manage.  


“All of it. I was scared,” Patrick admitted, “I was scared I’d ruined things.”  


“You’re not the one who kissed me,” David murmured as he fiddled with the cash he was handling. He was about to say what a mistake it had been when Patrick interrupted him.  


“I did though,” Patrick replied, “I kissed you back then I shut down and that’s not right. So, can we just continue?”  


“Okay,” David said. He forced everything he wanted to say back down his throat. They hadn’t ruined anything yet. David was itching to say more. To say that he was scared too, that he was scared of how strongly he was feeling already when he knew Patrick didn’t feel the same way. But it wasn’t his move. This was Patrick’s move, and David wasn’t going to take more than he’d been given.  


Patrick continued when David stayed silent, “So… you walked into the store and kissed me on the cheek then asked if I had any regrets-”  


“That makes sense.”  


Patrick shot him a look, “Obviously I didn’t have any, but I wanted to take things slow. Then we had a slight miscommunication. Someone had died in the motel that day so you got kicked out of your room and asked if you could stay with me. And I reacted poorly.”  


“Because you thought I only wanted to have sex,” David guessed, “And of course you didn’t want to.”  


“No!” Patrick replied immediately, “It was because I wanted it to much.” From the way Patrick was looking at him, the words had been as accidental as they seemed. So maybe 

Patrick wasn’t as disinterested as he’d let on.  


David couldn’t help it, he was once again struck by just how attractive Patrick was. Sure, he wasn’t his usual type, but he looked so sure and steady that David would love to make him loose control. And somehow, this man had been attracted to him too. They had been dancing around each other all fucking day and all David could think of was how much he wanted to kiss him again. To make him lose control again. And again. And again. And again. David didn’t even register that Patrick was still talking until he expected a response.  


“Excuse me?” David said.  


Patrick gave him an odd look and David was sure everything he was thinking must be written on his face, but Patrick didn’t call him out on it, “Considering some, um, events, I figured I should give you a heads up.”  


“Ooh, tell me more,” David teased, trying desperately get their casual banter back but Patrick wasn’t having it.  


“David, can we be serious for a second?” Patrick said. It was as annoyed as David had ever heard it. _I doubt it_ , David thought because being serious had never let to anything good. This was it, David thought. This must be this first David had fucked up. It was so early in the relationship, but of course it didn’t last. David didn’t say any of this out loud, but it must have been written on his face because Patrick’s face softened.  


“We were having a hard time finding privacy,” Patrick continued, “And Stevie offered us her apartment for the night.”  


“Why would she do that? It seems entirely out of character.”  


“She was still dating Jake and she didn’t tell you.”  


“Jake, the self-obsessed guy who wanted to date us both?”  


“That’s the one.”  


“Okay, and I found this out because?”  


“Because Jake came to pick her up while we were there.”  


And there it is. Patrick found out David was still around his exes and, understandably, freaked out. This had been their first real fight. With the way Patrick was avoiding eye contact, it must have been a big one.  


“And then we…”  


“And then we slept together for the first time.”  


_Oh sweet god_ , David thought. He had been off base. Like way off base and David couldn’t think of a single thing to say. It seemed like David had only two trains of thought about Patrick today: anxiety that they were going to break up and an almost irresistible urge to rip off his clothes. David had almost gotten past the latter but now…  


“Obviously we’re not going to, but…” Patrick said when David stayed silent.  


“But what?”  


“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted and David finally looked at him. He looked so shy and unsure and all David wanted to do was wrap him in his arms. David had the distinct impression that he didn’t look like this a lot. Patrick was solid and it took a lot to rattle him.  


David was struck for the first time that maybe this whole thing was as scary for Patrick as it is for David.  


This wasn’t fair to Patrick. Once the thought was in his mind, David couldn’t get it out.  


This whole thing was so unfair and was liable to break them both.  


But it was so tempting. The idea of being alone with Patrick with any kind of sexual undercurrent was deliciously enticing and David just couldn’t bring himself to say no. David just needed to control himself. He could do that. He could control himself. 

* * *

Yep, this was a mistake.  


They had only been alone for twenty minutes and David’s restraint was hanging on by a thread.  


Stevie had refused to participate in this one so Patrick was giving David a play by play of the night while he made dinner. As if the promise of imminent, homemade food made by a gorgeous man wasn’t tempting enough, Patrick looked _good_. Before Patrick, David thought it was impossible for denim to be attractive. But here he was and it should be illegal. It didn’t help that Patrick was so focused on the kitchen that David could just shamelessly stare without consequence.  


He couldn’t believe his first impressions. He’d thought Patrick was unattractive. Sweet, but definitely not his type. If they hadn’t already been together, David would have written him off easily. If they had met earlier they wouldn’t be together at all. The thought hurt David more than he’d care to admit.  


Patrick was his type, exactly the kind of guy that David would take great pleasure in ruining.  


“So that’s when Jake walked in and kissed you, on the _mouth_.” Patrick said, pulling David out of his own dirty thoughts, “You looked so flustered, it would have been cute if I wasn’t insanely jealous.”  


“I’m sorry, you were jealous?” and now Patrick had David’s full attention. Someone jealous over him was such an outlandish concept David almost laughed.  


“Obviously,” Patrick rolled his eyes in response. His tone wasn’t mean. It was as if for Patrick, it was truly obvious, “Someone had just kissed my boyfriend right in front of me.”  


“Oh,” David said dumbly. Patrick had a weird look on his face but David couldn’t pursue it, he was still reeling from Patrick being _jealous_.  


Patrick cleared his throat, “So you were mad at Stevie and I was kind of mad at you, and jealous that probably everyone in the world found my boyfriend attractive.”  


David tried his best not to preen, and failed miserably if Patrick’s eye roll was any indication. He couldn’t help it. David had never cheated in a relationship before, had never wanted to. Among other reasons, no one David had ever dated would have wanted him back. But now… someone being jealous over _him_ was ridiculous and ridiculously attractive.  


“So after that we fucked?” David asked, completely unwilling to keep playing coy.  


“It was a little more meaningful than that, David,” Patrick snapped but then didn’t continue. David just stared at him and tried not to stare at the bed barely two feet away. A bed where he’d apparently deflowered the attractive man in front of him. David was in so much trouble.  


“Well, don’t leave me in suspense,” David teased.  


“Sorry,” Patrick said, “This just wasn’t a part I was looking forward too.”  


“Okay, well,” David tried and failed not to look offended, “We already decided we weren’t going to have sex, but that’s still insulting.”  


“What? No?” Patrick said as he crossed to David. David tried not to flinch from the intensity of his sudden proximity, “That’s not what I meant.”  


“Then what did you mean?” David was getting dizzy from Patrick standing so close to him. David had taken time between work and when Patrick had picked him up to reevaluate the whole weekend. If Patrick hadn’t regretted the kiss, that changed everything. If Patrick was feeling the same things he did, then what was holding him back? David knew what, but his insecurities and certainties that he wouldn’t be enough for Patrick like this were the farthest thing from his mind when they were so close David could smell Patrick’s cologne. Maybe he couldn’t have Patrick’s heart, but he could have other things in the meantime, couldn’t he?  


“David,” Patrick warned, but then Patrick looked at his lips and that was _it_. David wanted to taste his lips again. The first time, his touch had been gentle even as his lips were slightly chapped and his hands rough. David wondered what else would be rough. And _fuck it_ being Patrick’s move. David was leaning forward and then Patrick was leaning forward and they were so close…  


Then the pot on the stove boiled over and Patrick was jumping away from him with a whispered “fuck” and the moment was broken.  


David leaned heavily against the counter and forced his heart to slow down. He consciously worked to build his restraint back up.  


What had he been thinking? Of course he and Patrick couldn’t sleep together. It was exactly the same pattern he always fell into. He couldn’t make someone love him so he convinced them to stay through sex. It never worked and it always ended with him shattered. He couldn’t do that with Patrick, he wouldn’t. _Patrick is different_ , something in the back of his mind said. Maybe he was. But David didn’t know that. He didn’t _know him_ nearly as well as he felt like he did. And Patrick certainly didn’t really know him like this.  


He could sleep with Patrick and it would be wonderful or it would ruin everything. And for once, losing Patrick entirely to have him for a night just wasn’t worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi All! Sorry to be MIA. I don't have an excuse other than this chapter just fighting me every step of the way. But I like where we ended up! What do you think?


	9. Chapter 9

“We need some ground rules.”  


David said it with no preamble. No hello. No anything. He walked into the store, set his bag down and just said _that_.  


Patrick paused the inventory he was taking and took a deep breath before turning around to look at David. There it was, the David he so rarely saw. So guarded with completely faked casualness and Patrick, for a moment, was _furious_.  


Because, goddamn, he thought they were finally making a little bit of progress. For just a moment last night, it had really felt like the first time at Stevie’s apartment. He’d had David right where he wanted him, pressed up against the counter so close he could feel David’s breath on him.  


He’d almost told him about Rachel.  


Not talking about his own ex while he was demanding explanations from David about his was one of Patrick’s only real regrets about their relationship. Besides, there was no way he was going to be able to recreate the barbecue, so why not just get this part over with?  


_We’d already decided we weren’t going to have sex, but that’s still insulting_. Patrick couldn’t think of anything more ridiculous than David thinking he wasn’t attracted to him. He’d been barely hanging on by a thread all weekend. He hadn’t called David even though he was aching to because he knew he wouldn’t be able to control himself. He’d finally gotten a taste of David again after more than a month and he was desperate for more. Patrick was well practiced in the art of seducing David. He knew David’s body better than he knew his own. But David didn’t know him like that. They weren’t going to have sex that night, but after a kiss like that, he would have taken any scraps he gave him.  


Judging from the look in David’s eyes when he was pressed against the counter, David might have given him anything at all. But Patrick wouldn’t ask. It was an old habit, one David had almost completely broken him of. After years of being with someone he didn’t love, he didn’t know how to actually go after what he wanted. His courage had only gone as far as asking David out. David had done most of the heavy lifting in moving their relationship forward in the beginning.  


David wouldn’t do that now. Or at least Patrick didn’t think he would. But then he leaned forward and fuck it, Patrick leaned forward too. Patrick wanted it, needed it, thought he might die if he went another second without touching David.  


Then the pot boiled over and David flinched as Patrick jumped away from him. By the time Patrick had dealt with the situation, the moment was gone and David was guarded again. Patrick tried in vain to get his walls back down, for them to at least talk about something substantial. But Patrick had apparently pushed David enough for one night and the talk was stilted and awkward.  


It was a slow and awkward drive home and he kept catching David wincing out of the corner of his eye.  


“Are you okay?” he finally asked after the third or fourth time.  


“Fine,” David answered. His voice was high and shaky. A lie.  


“David,” Patrick said as they pulled up to the motel.  


“It’s just a headache,” David said with small shake of his head.  


“Has that happened a lot?” Patrick couldn’t keep the worry out of his tone.  


“Not like, _a lot_ a lot,” David said defensively, “Stevie made me call the doctor, he said it was normal.”  


Patrick was gripping the steering wheel hard, debating the pros and cons of just taking David to the hospital. How had Stevie known about this and not told him? How had David not told him?  


“Patrick, I’m fine,” David said with such an intense eye roll that things almost felt normal. Patrick forced himself to nod. He was only a worrier when it came to David. There was no more stalling. If Patrick wasn’t going to force David to the doctor, he had to let him out of the car. It seemed like he was on thin ice with David already so he unlocked the door without another word. David winced again at the sound of him slamming the car door but Patrick kept his mouth shut.  


David wasn’t his to take care of anymore. 

* * *

So yeah, maybe Patrick maybe should have seen the writing on the wall.  


But _ground rules_ , Patrick almost laughed. This wasn’t David, David wasn’t careful. Patrick was always the one with the rules and the boundaries. David was brave and daring.  


“Ground rules,” Patrick echoed. If he said something more substantial he was sure it would have been mean. David’s moods were hard to navigate sometimes. He didn’t look scared or nervous, he just looked detached and certain. Patrick hated that. He wanted David to feel as off kilter as he did. It was a vindictive thought, especially considering Patrick had a hell of an advantage over him. But David was really running him through the wringer and it was liable to break Patrick. And David didn’t even seem to _realize_ it.  


“Yeah,” David persisted.  


“Okay, David, what are your _ground rules_ ,” it sounded bitchy even to Patrick and David’s face got more disinterested in response, if that was even possible.  


“Okay, well,” David snapped, “I think we need to reevaluate what the goal of this… _thing_ is.”  


“We’re trying to help your recovery, _obviously_.” Patrick practically spit the last word. He was spiraling and being mean and he couldn’t stop it even if he wanted to. He loved David, but David also drove him insane sometimes. On good days, that meant he was passionate. On bad days, after a series of bad days and bad weeks and a pretty fucking bad month, it made Patrick petty beyond belief. This was like his housewarming party on steroids. David wasn’t really doing anything wrong. Patrick just wanted his old life back. He wanted to make love to David and go to bed with him and wake up with him. He didn’t want to be negotiating the ground rules of their relationship. He wanted to be the person David went to when he had headaches, not _Stevie_. With the way David was pointedly not looking into the light, Patrick figured his headache was still here. He wanted to _know_ things like that about David instead of having to guess.  


“Hmm, is it obvious though?” David replied. They wound each other up too much. They were feeding on each other’s energy.  


“David, you know I won’t fish for this.”  


“There!” David cried, like he had won the argument. If he had, then Patrick didn’t really know what the argument was, “There it is!”  


“What?”  


“You just said I know that you won’t fish for this. And I don’t know that! How could I?” If Patrick wasn’t so wound up already he might not have bought the victory in David’s tone. He might have seen the devastation lurking just beneath the surface. But Patrick was too busy being pissed that David had seemingly laid a trap for him and he’d fallen for it. David was gesticulating wildly in a way that Patrick normally found charming but right now was just plain annoying.  


“What’s your point, David?” Patrick asked as he crossed his arms. Patrick knew what his point was. He just didn’t care. He’d been on perfect behavior for more than a month while he helped David and gave him space and it seemed Patrick had finally found his breaking point. Call him petty and insensitive, he was only human.  


“My point is,” David said, “I think we’re both losing sight of what this is.”  


“What is this?” Patrick asked, his voice finally softening and looking and David. And he saw it, finally. The sadness. And Patrick felt like an ass. David was _scared_. Terrified, even. Patrick had been the one to drive him there. It was like the night of the accident. Patrick wasn’t being careful and he had backed David up against a wall. It was hard to talk David off a cliff, harder now than it had been that night. David pulled a piece of paper out from his pocket and laid it on the counter. On it were just three points.  


1\. No kissing  


2\. No “I love yous”  


3\. No other people  


“These are my rules, take them or leave them,” David said evasively. Patrick bit back his comment about how it had been _David_ to ask _him_ to do this in the first place. He looked down at the paper longer than strictly necessary. This was essentially them ending things. Patrick could go without kissing or saying I love you, but cutting anyone but them out of this cut out basically everything. David was breaking up with him without actually having the courage to break up with him. And Patrick didn’t know _why_.  


“Is this really what you want, David,” Patrick asked without looking up, “Or are you just scared?”  


“Come on, Patrick,” David said as he closed himself off with crossed arms. Patrick could practically hear his eye roll, “It’s not like we’re falling in love here.”  


Patrick’s eyes snapped up and he released a choked breath without meaning to, because isn’t that exactly what they were doing? David’s eyes were clear and full of remorse for just a second before he schooled them back into something detached but Patrick didn’t care.  


Patrick’s eyes drifted back to the counter and he saw it. The one thing that would make Patrick stop fighting, at least for today. David’s left hand, resting on the counter, completely bare. He wasn’t wearing his engagement rings. He wasn’t wearing any rings at all. He couldn’t hear anything above the blood rushing in his ears, “Oh,” he breathed out. He would have been crying if he was feeling anything other than the numb realization that everything he knew had changed.  


“Patrick,” David said softly, but Patrick interrupted him.  


“No, you’re right,” Patrick said. A lie. He was a liar.  


“I just… this was a bad plan,” David stammered.  


“No it wasn’t, I just wasn’t following it,” he said it mostly to himself, but he could feel David’s eyes on him.  


“So we’re taking a step back?”  


“Yeah,” Patrick released a long breath, willing it to give him some kind of relief. It didn’t, “We’re taking a step back.”  


“Okay,” David said. He sounded sad even though he’d been the one to say it. Patrick didn’t care, “Do you might watching the store today? I don’t feel well.”  


“Yes, go,” Patrick said. He didn’t mean it to sound so commanding, but the thought of working all day with David seemed suffocating right now. David didn’t need to be told twice. He turned on his heel and left without a word.  


Patrick slumped back against the wall. David had left. He’d truly left. Patrick was still feeling too numb to even cry. _I’m not feeling well_. Patrick wanted to be worried, but David truly wasn’t his to worry about anymore. For once, he was happy for it. 

* * *

Patrick managed to make it through the day without a full break down. It had been a busy one, thankfully, and he’d barely had a chance to breathe let alone process whatever the hell that had been.  


What had happened between last night and today? Fights, and even simple discussions, with David tended to spiral. Like David dragging him on that rope climbing date with Ted and Alexis when it had really be about their relationship. Or their fight before the accident turning into David thinking he didn’t want to get married. David’s mind worked so fast sometimes that Patrick couldn’t keep up. While Patrick was filled with just _David, David, David_ , he was thinking about 60 things at once. Patrick was getting used to it, but this had seemed to come out of nowhere. Sure, David had been weird in the car last night, but until then…  


Patrick wracked his brain and couldn’t think of a single thing he had done wrong.  


David would come back, David always came back after a bit. When he realized he had overreacted or let his anxieties get the better of him. Patrick forgave him, always forgave him. But Patrick wasn’t sure how much longer they could keep doing this. It felt like they were going around in circles and not making any progress. Patrick was patient, but he had his limits.  


It was almost closing when the phone rang. Patrick’s heart beat fast until he saw that it was Alexis, then it stopped altogether. There were only so many reasons Alexis would be calling.  


“Hello?” he asked with bated breath.  


“Hey,” she said. No tears, but she sounded worried, “Did David seem weird to you at the store?”  


“Alexis, I don’t have time for this,” Patrick almost snapped. His anger had died down to confusion and hurt throughout the day, but he didn’t need someone prodding at the wound. David was the last thing Patrick wanted to talk about right now, especially with Alexis. Stevie was a wildcard sometimes, but Alexis took David’s side every time without fail. He didn’t need anyone else telling him how he’d fucked up, he was taking care of that himself.  


“Patrick, seriously, he won’t let me into the room and he won’t talk to me.”  


So maybe David hadn’t seemed as detached as he let on? Patrick stomped his worry down. David wasn’t his to worry about, especially when this was probably just Alexis overreacting. If David was going to be this sad, why had he broken up with Patrick at all? He couldn’t dwell in it too long without seeing the misery in his eyes just before he left. David wasn’t his to worry about. If David wanted him, he was going to have to come back himself, “He’s probably just in a mood. Goodnight, Alexis.”  


He got through his closing procedures and was almost to his car when Alexis called again. Patrick ignored it. She called again. David was fine. David had broken up with him. David was probably watching Bridget Jones’ Diary. Alexis didn’t call back but she did text him.  


_Not that you care, apparently, but David has a headache_.  


Shit. Another one? Or the same one?  


_I called the doctor again and he said to bring him in if it’s worse tomorrow but David won’t tell me anything else_.  


Patrick tried his best to suppress his worry. Clearly Alexis was there and was keeping an eye on him. He didn’t need Patrick. He didn’t want Patrick. Through sheer force of will Patrick turned down his own street instead of going to the motel. David was fine, he’d just pushed himself too far. _David isn’t yours to worry about_.  


Patrick didn’t believe it even as he thought it. He made it to his front door then immediately turned around. He was angry, so angry. Angry and hurt, but it was still David. David would always feel like Patrick’s deep down. Even now, even like this, even if he didn’t want to be. Patrick would tell David that if he gave him the chance. Maybe David didn’t need him, but Patrick needed David. He needed to know that David was okay. He was back to his car when his phone rang again, this time it was Stevie.  


“You need to get down here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post this so soon, but I couldn't wait. It was a rough day, give me validation?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning this chapter for slight suicidal ideation

David felt sick as he left the store. He knew this had been the right choice, hitting the breaks before either of them got hurt (well, got more hurt). But that didn’t make him feel any better in the moment.  


David had hurt him on purpose, and it made his stomach turn. He’d known exactly what he was doing when he laid his ringless left hand on the counter. It was such a fucking cop out to not actually break up with him, but it was unclear if they were even together in the first place. David didn’t do well without knowing exactly what a relationship was, even if the relationship was nonexistent or it just about sex.  


David had an ex, Maura, they’d dated for just shy of three months and she’d broken up with him when he suggested they go on a trip together. They’d just had sex and she was having a cigarette even though David hated when people smoked in his apartment. It couldn’t have been more cliché even if they’d tried. In retrospect, she may have been trying, she was dramatic like that.  


_“David, don’t make this more than it is,” she said.  
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__“What is it?”_  
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_“People like us, David,” she said with a brief kiss to his temple, “We love and are loved intensely, but briefly. We burn out quick. We’re not made for lifetime commitments.”_  


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_“I asked if you wanted to LA for a week, not for your hand in marriage,” David scoffed, but the words had hit their mark.  
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_“David, you’re not the kind of man people want to go on domestic vacations with,” she said with a sad laugh, “You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache the sooner you learn that._ ”  


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___She’d gotten dressed and David never saw her again and it seemed like David spent 7 year since he’d dated her learning that lesson over and over again. With every relationship David had after her that quickly burned out, David thought of Maura. The sex had been good, really good, but that was all they had, not to mention he’d thought it was far more intimate that she had apparently. Sex seemed to be the only thing David was good at in relationships, and the only thing people actually liked him for. David wanted Patrick, desperately, but he was so scared everything would fizzle out if they had sex.  
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___On paper, Patrick didn’t seem like the kind of guy for casual sex. And obviously they’d had sex and Patrick had still stuck around for two years. But David knew himself, and he knew that no matter how secure he was in a relationship he would always be worried for the other shoe to drop. And to give himself fully to Patrick physically right now when he was already too invested emotionally… it was all too much.  
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___And then David had tested him, because that was what he always did, and Patrick basically confirmed all the things David was afraid of. Patrick didn’t want him for him. David as he was now was just a placeholder until the real David came back. And David as he was now wasn’t the kind of person people fell in love with. He just wasn’t. There was Maura and Sebastian that were good for a while and David thought maybe something could blossom. But just as quickly as he thought it, they were gone and David was left to pick up the pieces. Rinse and repeat for the last fifteen years.  
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___For someone who slept around a lot, there was still something so sacred about sex for him. David craved the real, honest sex that wasn’t just about getting off, not that he’d ever had it. It would be like that with Patrick. Patrick was the kind of person to unironically use the term “making love”. To have that kind of intimate connection with Patrick just for it to be ripped away… David would never recover.  
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___So he tried to distance himself and Patrick lashed out. That was unexpected, but David realized it must have been a long time coming. It had been more than a month without any results. Of course Patrick was ready to lash out. For a minute, Patrick’s anger was easier to deal with than his kindness. For just a moment, David was able to pretend Patrick was just another one of his exes, demanding something of him that he could never give. That fantasy had lasted long enough to get David out the door.  
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___Now he was lost.  
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___He wanted Stevie, or Alexis. But David had a sneaking suspicion that they’d both take Patrick’s side. His first two ground rules had been purely pragmatic, a way to keep himself under control. His third rule, no other people, was a little less reasonable. But he couldn’t take it anymore. The pitying looks and the judgement that they thought they were hiding so well. They all felt so damn bad for Patrick and David, and David was ready to snap every time Alexis called Patrick a button. He couldn’t stand all the people around him that knew so much more than he did.  
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___He just wanted this all to be over. Maybe it would have been better if-  
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___No. David cut off his own train of thought. He’d let that slip to his therapist once and David thought she was going to have him committed. He didn’t even want that, not really._ _ _

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___The words had been out before he could really stop them. He didn’t want anything to be over, he just wanted it to be easier.  
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___Especially in moments like this. He’d woken up with the same headache he’d fallen asleep with and it was only getting worse as the day wore on. If David was being honest, he was getting a little scared. This seemed a ways past the “brief migraines” he could experience as a side effect to his concussion. He really should call the doctor again, but he didn’t want to face whatever could be wrong. And he definitely wasn’t going to worry anyone else with this. He’d caused enough discomfort to last a lifetime, thank you very much.  
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___He was already wearing his sunglasses, but that didn’t stop him from keeping his eyes closed as much as possible. By the time he got back to the motel, he felt like he was going to be sick from the pain the sunlight was causing. It took him three tries for his shaking hands to unlock the door, then he immediately flung himself into bed with the blanket pulled over his head. He nearly moaned at the comfort of finally being completely in the dark. It didn’t do much to alleviate the pressure building behind his eyes, but it did enough that the nausea subsided.  
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___Mercifully, Alexis wasn’t home.  
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___Or maybe not mercifully? There was something visceral inside of him aching to be comforted. and Alexis and he had gotten so much closer in the four years he’d lost. He wanted his sister. For the first time in his life, he wanted his family to be here and to take care of him. The thought brought tears to his eyes. That scared him. He’d never relied on another human being so much before to miss them. Especially not his sister. David was always the one taking care of her, Alexis didn’t know how to take care of people. But she’d been so good with him in the days right after the accident. He’d been so confused and in so much pain, and she was the only one who didn’t look at him like she was expecting something. Ted seemed to mellow her out, make her gentler. He wondered if maybe Patrick had a similar effect on him. It was scary a thought and one he was forced to push aside. He was alone, as usual, and he could take care of himself._ _ _

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As it turned out, “taking care of himself” meant passing out for the rest of the day. When he woke up, it was to pounding on the door. It was dark outside and David didn’t know where he’d flung his phone to check the time. His head felt no better. In fact, it was worse. With the pounding on the door, the nausea was back with a vengeance, and there was bone deep fatigue that he didn’t think he’d ever get rid of.  


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“David, let me in. I forgot my key!” Alexis yelled. So much for her being a comforting presence in his life. He knew that wouldn’t last, and he was embarrassed for the sentimentality even though he’d been the only witness to it.  


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“David!”  


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“Fuck off, Alexis!” he halfheartedly yelled back. He was trying to sound aggressive, but it sounded pathetic and whiny.  


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“David?” she called again, gentler this time, “Are you okay?” David either couldn’t or wouldn’t answer. There was no answer that didn’t sound worrying or pathetic, “David let me in!” David remained silent. He could barely get his eyes open, let alone get up and walk all the way to the door even if he wanted to.  


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“David, I’m going to call Patrick,” Alexis said. It wasn’t even a threat, just a fact that Patrick was the person who got called in situations like this. He couldn’t even manage a no, his teeth were clenched so tightly as his head throbbed.  


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He didn’t know how much time passed before the door was open. The room was flooded only with the light of the moon, but David still gasped and pulled the blanket over his head again.  


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“David?” someone said gently. Not Patrick. Stevie. Of course, Stevie would have a key, “Are you okay?”  


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“Hurts,” David managed to murmur.  


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“What hurts?” this time Alexis, “Can we take the blanket off?” David didn’t have the strength to hold onto it, so he just let Alexis take it from him. His head was spinning, like that time just after college when he’d accidentally taken two tabs of acid too close together. He couldn’t focus on the two people right in front of him. It was two people, wasn’t it? It was Stevie and Alexis, right?  


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“David?” Alexis asked gently, “What hurts?”  


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“Head,” he gasped and squeezed his eyes shut. It didn’t do anything to stop his whole world from whirling.  


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“I’m going to call the doctor,” Alexis said mostly to Stevie. David tried to call out to stop her, but his fatigued brain couldn’t form the words.  


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“David, what have you eaten today?” she asked, obviously on the phone and relaying information. David shook his head. He hadn’t eaten anything. He didn’t think he’d be able to keep it down, “Nothing to drink either?” David shook his head again, “Okay, okay. Thank you.” Even the sound of Alexis putting the phone down made him flinch, “David, I’m going to try Patrick again.”  


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Again. If she was trying him again, that must mean that he hadn’t picked up the first time. And of course he didn’t, why would he? David had made it perfectly clear that they weren’t together and Patrick hadn’t come after him. No one ever chased after him. The thought made him start crying again, and the shaking of his body just made his head pound more.  


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“Oh god, David,” Stevie said. Never one for emotion, she seemed at a loss for what to do, “You have to breathe, David.” That made him realize he was gasping for air, but he couldn’t do anything to stop it. A panic attack. He was having a panic attack. Stevie seemed to realize it at the same moment and she called for Alexis. Then Stevie was gone and Alexis was sitting on his bed.  


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“Lie back David, relax,” she soothed. David did as he was told and it did little to calm his racing heart or pounding head. He was dying, he was sure of it. He was dying and this was hell, “Breathe, David,” Alexis said again, this time far more commanding. Alexis was good in a crisis. She’d survived enough of them that she had to be. David had no choice but to obey her. He took a deep, stuttering breath that left him dizzy, “Good, again,” she said. That went on for a few minutes and David’s breathing slowly returned to normal. His heartrate slowed and his muscles unclenched. He felt like jelly and he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. The pain in his head that had felt like a stabbing knife receded into the same dull throbbing it had been all day. It wasn’t gone completely, but it was so much less intense that David felt like crying from the relief of it. He might still be crying, he couldn’t really tell. He’d be embarrassed about it later.  


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“Good, David,” Alexis said. Her voice was considerably less trained, “Good.” She left him for a few minutes after that. When she returned, David was practically asleep, “Patrick is here if you want to see him.”  


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“No,” David said. That woke him up slightly. As much as he was able to wake up right now.  


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“He wants to see you,” Alexis coaxed.  


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“Why?” David asked. There were a million questions wrapped up inside that one word. Why would Patrick have shown up after today? Why was Patrick worried about him? Why was Patrick even with him in the first place? Why, why, why?  


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“Because he’s in love with you,” Alexis shrugged as if it was the easiest thing in the world, “Please see him, he looks wrecked.”  


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“Okay,” David said after a moment. He had come all the way down here, why not? Alexis gave his hand a quick squeeze then she was gone. He heard some murmuring outside the door. He thought Alexis sounded annoyed and for once Stevie was the one to keep the peace. It hurt to strain to hear so he didn’t. Instead, he just sank further into the bed. The motel pillows had never felt softer and soon his exhaustion caught up with him again. His eyes fluttered closed as someone entered the room. He hesitated at the foot of the bed. David wasn’t able to give him an invitation to sit down even if he wanted to.  


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“David?”  


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David made some sort of incoherent noise in response. The sudden activity spiked his headache, and he flinched slightly. Patrick finally made the decision to sit down on the bed. David flinched in surprise as Patrick ran a gentle hand through his hair. He made a truly pathetic noise at its absence when Patrick drew back.  


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“Oh, sweetheart,” Patrick murmured and he slowly scraped his nails against David’s aching skull. It should have hurt. David should have pulled away. After all the work he’d done to push Patrick away. It had felt so fundamentally wrong to hurt Patrick in any way, especially on purpose. But he’d done it anyways and it felt like David left half of his heart in the store. Seeming to sense the sudden turn of David’s thought, Patrick boldly laid down next to him. They weren’t touching, not yet, but David could feel the heat radiating off him. He could smell Patrick’s cologne, that should have nauseated him in his current state, but it just felt comforting. David leaned forward without meaning to, chasing the scent that meant safe. Patrick’s breath caught as David’s forehead finally made contact with his sweater. This bed was really now big enough for two grown men, but Patrick managed to avoid any other points of contact. David hated it.  


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“Hurts,” David muttered against Patrick’s collar.  


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“Still?”  


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“A little better now,” David admitted. Now, after this panic subsided or now that Patrick was here he didn’t know. But it was definitely better and the relief of it caused made tears well up in his eyes again.  


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“Oh, honey,” Patrick said. He gathered David against his chest, it seemed like almost an accident. Like it was just muscle memory to comfort David. He whimpered at the comfort of having Patrick’s body wrapped around him. He’d be embarrassed about it later, but right now David was way past simple emotions like embarrassment.  


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Patrick made a move to pull away, but David grabbed onto him tight, “Okay,” Patrick muttered as he ran his hands over the knotted muscles of David’s back, “I know how to take care of you, David. Let me take care of you.”  


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Somehow, Patrick was here. Patrick had come even after David had hurt him on purpose. Patrick was undeniably out of David’s league. Patrick was solid. Reliable. Smart. Kind. 

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All of the things David wasn’t, and all things his past lovers weren’t. Patrick was here, and he would be here as long as David wanted him, at least for tonight.  


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He tried to resist it for just a second more, because David knew this anything this good wasn’t going to last and god, it was going to hurt. It was going to be catastrophic.  


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But David could feel Patrick’s heart steadily beating against his and that’s what finally caused David to break. He was in love with Patrick. Even though he couldn’t remember falling, his body and soul knew Patrick’s, and that was never going to go away. David had wanted the comfort of family, and Patrick was indisputably included in that. David didn’t voice any of this, couldn’t even if he wanted to. Instead, he held Patrick hard, finally melted fully against the man behind him, and just cried.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this isn't exactly how I wanted this one to end, but it took on a life of it's own. Also fun fact! I have chronic migraines that were triggered by a concussion so this chapter might actually be based in some medical fact. Let me know what you think!


	11. Chapter 11

Patrick had known it was a mistake letting David leave the store. He’d known David didn’t feel well, he’d known David was prone to pushing away when things got a little too real. He knew these things about David, but David didn’t know that he knew them. And yet, Patrick had just let him walk away anyways.  


And now something could be seriously wrong and it was going to be Patrick’s fault for ignoring what was right in front of him. This wasn’t like the real early days of their relationship when Patrick had been just as scared. He knew better this time.  


So Patrick drove faster than was probably safe even though Schitt’s Creek wasn’t exactly busy at night and he got to the motel in record time where Stevie and Alexis were exchanging terse words. For once, Stevie looked like the frazzled one and Alexis was calm and collected, if a little laced with concern. The reversal was enough to cause Patrick to stop just short of where he could hear their conversation. This was bad and it was his fault. Finally, Alexis looked up and caught his eye and she looked as unimpressed as he’d ever seen her.  


“Nice of you to join us, Patrick,” she said. Her voice was saccharine sweet but laced with something venomous. As much as David always rescued her, he knew Alexis had fought for him just as much. He never thought he’d be the enemy of Alexis’ protective streak. He never wanted to be on the receiving end of this ever again.  


“Okay,” Stevie said after a minute, obviously as uncomfortable with the sudden tension as Patrick was but Alexis didn’t back down.  


“There is no way you’re getting into that room without David’s permission,” She said to Stevie, not even sparing a glance in his direction.  


“Alexis-”  


“No, she’s right,” Patrick said, “We left things… less than ideal at the store today. He might not want to see me.”  


Stevie held his gaze for a second more before turning and going back into the room muttering something under her breath that Patrick didn’t catch and then he was alone with Alexis. If he thought her glare was deadly with Stevie there as a buffer, it was nothing compared to him being the sole focus of her ire.  


She was back a moment later and gesturing for Alexis to come in, “He’s having a panic attack and I know you’re better at this than I am.” She walked back in with a grim expression followed by Stevie. Patrick instinctively took a step to follow them and had to stop himself. It wasn’t his place, not right now. Even if it killed him that he could hear the love of his life crying with just a door separating them.  


Alexis was gone for several long minutes and Patrick was _this_ close to just going in anyways when they came back out. She shut the door before Patrick could get even a glance inside.  


“Alexis-”  


“Nope, we are so not doing this,” she said as she pointedly looked away from him and Patrick sighed and kept quiet. Alexis was like David, and like David she would talk if he gave her a chance. After a few moments she continued, “What happened at the store?”  


“David said he wanted to take a step back.”  


“Did he mean it?” Alexis asked. She always asked the right questions, just not the ones that Patrick wanted to answer.  


“I don’t know, Alexis,” Patrick shrugged, “But I shouldn’t have to guess at what he wants.”  


“Button,” Alexis sighed, and Patrick was so relieved at the term of endearment that he didn’t even mind the pity lacing her voice, “I know you don’t really like, know this David. But he is cagey for good reason.”  


Patrick bit back a reply about how he knew his fiancé fine, thanks, except Alexis was exactly right. Sure, in the last few years David had told him bits and pieces of his old relationships, but he had a very “his old life is his old life and it’s irrelevant” philosophy. Wasn’t that exactly what their fight had been about?  


David had no way of knowing that Patrick was nothing like the likes of Sebastian Raine, or worse. Sure, they’d been engaged, but David had made it very clear he’d never really been able to trust his own judgement. Patrick let out a large breath, and with it a weight came off his shoulders. He’d known it would be hard to get David to trust him again. But they weren’t starting back at square one, not really. They were starting so much further back than that. David’s wounds were so much fresher than Patrick had ever realized. But Patrick was in it for the long haul, and David was going to have to try a hell of a lot harder to get rid of him.  


“There’s the button I know and love,” Alexis said fondly just as Stevie opened the door for him, “Patrick, don’t hurt him,” Alexis said. It was soft, and full of hope, but with a dangerous edge.  


“I know, you have three people in your phone who could kill me,” Patrick replied, only half joking.  


“No,” she corrected, “I would do it myself.” 

* * *

When Patrick walked in, he thought for a moment that David was asleep. He hadn’t witnessed very many of David’s panic attacks. He always thought with no small amount of pride that they were few and far between since they’d started dating. But now Patrick felt fully unprepared. David had once walked him through the breathing exercises that normally calmed him down and what not to do when he was in the midst of them, but he wasn’t as familiar with the aftercare. They took a lot out of him, that was clear. In retrospect, this seemed like it had been building for hours, maybe days. It would make sense for David to have passed out after that. But what was Patrick supposed to do? David probably wouldn’t react well to Patrick just being in his bed when he woke up. But he couldn’t leave, not now, not after how much convincing it had taken for Alexis to let him in. And if his new thing was always being there it wouldn’t look promising to bail at the first sign of trouble, even if it was what he thought was best for David.  


“David?” he asked quietly, trying not to wake him if he was in fact asleep. But Patrick was spared by making that choice as David made a vague noise in reply. Whether it meant _please come closer_ or _fuck right off_ , Patrick didn’t know. He sat down next to David as gently as he could but he still flinched with the sudden movement. Patrick had half a mind to just sit on the floor next to him, but now that David was so close he couldn’t make himself go farther. There was something magnetic pulling him towards David right now. Sure, he always felt it and they always vaguely orbited each other, but this was so much stronger. The instinct to comfort, to just make everything okay for David was so strong it was nearly choking him.  


His hands were gently carding through David’s hair without even thinking about it. He only noticed when David made a noise of protest and a much louder one when he stopped, “Oh, sweetheart,” Patrick murmured as he continued his soft ministrations. It was something he knew David liked whenever he’d had a bad day, and this time was no different.  


Patrick’s eyes finally adjusted to the darkness and he could see all the tension in David’s body. No wonder he was exhausted, he seemed wound as tight as a spring. He could also now see David’s eyes moving under his eyelids as if he was dreaming. But he knew David and knew exactly what his overthinking looked like. Before he thought better of it, Patrick was lying down. There was still several inches of space between them, but with how distant they’d been lately it felt as intimate as them being pressed together. If Patrick actually made the move to hold him, he thought he might just combust. He wasn’t going to do that. If David wanted him right now, he was going to have to make the next move. And if he wasn’t ready yet, Patrick would deal with that too.  


As it turned out, Patrick didn’t have to deal with that at all. In a matter of moments, David was leaning forward until his forehead was pressed to Patrick’s collar. Was he imagining it or was David inhaling deeply?  


“Hurts,” David breathed after a few moments.  


“Still?” Patrick asked trying to keep the concern out of his voice. What had Alexis said about the doctor? Were they supposed to go to the hospital or still wait?  


“A little better now,” David admitted and Patrick let out a breath of relief. Then Patrick felt wetness on his neck. It took him a moment to realize that David was shaking and Patrick’s resolve crumbled. He finally pulled David fully against him and wrapped his arms around David’s neck.  


“Oh honey,” Patrick said as David folded against him because apparently all the pet names were in play tonight. The feeling of having David in his arms in bed was just as overwhelming as Patrick thought it would be. He pulled away slightly at David’s whimper but David held him tight, “Okay,” he said with a small smile. He was never going to let go, he decided, it felt too good despite the circumstances. He was never going to let go of David again.  


He began to slowly but steadily stroke his hands up and down David’s back. God, he was tense and that wouldn’t do at all. His strokes got a little harder to unwind the knots in David’s shoulders and back and Patrick felt him shudder, “I know how to take care of you David,” he said. He meant it to sound confident and comforting, but he could feel the desperation in. He hoped David couldn’t hear it, “Let me take care of you.”  


He didn’t so much hear David break as feel it. One moment, David was keeping himself at a distance and the next he was fully melted against Patrick. It felt like Patrick was holding him up even though they were lying down. But held him up he did. He murmured sweet nothings as David cried against his chest. If he was revealing too much he’d be embarrassed about it in the morning. Right now, he would do anything if it meant David would calm down. Eventually, the space was filled only with the sound of David’s intermittent sniffling. Then the most incredible thing happened. David held him back and held him hard. Patrick wasn’t going to be able to escape even if he wanted to so it was a good thing there was no place he would rather be. 

* * *

David wasn’t the only one exhausted, it seemed, and when Patrick woke he was disoriented. It could have been years since he’d fallen asleep. He instinctively reached across the bed for David even though there wasn’t much bed to reach across but he wasn’t there. The clock on the night stand read 4:00 AM. He’d have to be up in a few hours to open the store even though he wanted nothing more than to just sink back down for days with David pressed against him.  


“I didn’t mean to wake you,” David murmured in the dark. It was enough to startle Patrick when he couldn’t actually see where David was.  


“You didn’t wake me,” Patrick said to the darkness, “You being gone woke me.” David let out a small scoff at that and Patrick’s eyes finally adjusted to the dark enough to see David just sitting there at the foot of the bed. Before Patrick could think better of it, he sat up and joined him. They were pressed together, the bed was too narrow not to be, but it was nowhere close enough. Patrick wanted to wrap his arms around David and kiss away the tension that seemed to have returned to his body, but something had changed between when they had fallen asleep and now.  


“Did someone ask you to come?” David asked. Patrick tried not to flinch at the coldness of his tone. _He’s cagey for good reason_ , Alexis echoed in his head. David didn’t fully trust him yet, more likely he didn’t trust himself, this was just another way he could prove himself.  


“Stevie,” Patrick admitted, “But I was already on my way.”  


“Why?”  


_“Why?_ ” Patrick replied incredulously.  


“Yeah, why,” David replied. If Patrick hadn’t been listening very closely, he would have bought the calm of David’s voice. But he could hear the curiosity and hope layered underneath it so Patrick decided to be brave. He wrapped his arms around David’s shoulders like he ached to and pressed his head into his favorite space between David’s shoulder and neck. David’s breath caught but he didn’t push Patrick away so he pressed a small kiss to David’s jaw.  


“David,” Patrick murmured softly, coaxingly, “I don’t want to take a step back. And I don’t think you want to either.”  


“Oh, really,” David said, but there was no bite in it.  


“I love you, David,” Patrick said, because it was physically hurting to not say it any longer. David froze beneath him and Patrick was sure for a moment that David was going to push him away, but soon David was leaning fully into him again.  


“Oh,” he breathed.  


"I love you,” Patrick said again, “I don’t know if you’re ready to hear it, but I needed you to know.” From the way David’s breath caught, it seemed like maybe he needed to hear the words as much as Patrick needed to see them.  


“Oh,” he breathed again and Patrick smiled at the David-ness of it all.  


“It’s okay if you don’t feel it, or if you're not ready to say it back,” Patrick said, almost a word for word repetition of when he’d first told David he loved him, “But I can’t keep pretending that’s not how I feel.”  


“Why?” David asked, and his voice finally broke. It was then that Patrick felt the wetness dripping from David’s face onto his arms. It had been so quiet Patrick hadn’t even noticed him crying in the dark. It was the type of crying that you just couldn’t help when thinks got too overwhelming, but they’d been dancing around each for too long. Even if it made David uncomfortable, Patrick was done pretending.  


“I could give you a million reasons,” Patrick said, “But I’m not going to.”  


“You’re awful, you know that?” David said with a wet laugh and it emboldened Patrick enough to place a small kiss on David’s neck. Patrick wasn’t imagining the way his breath hitched.  


“I know it’s a lot to ask, but you’re just going to have to trust me.”  


David did him one better. He turned his head enough to press his lips to Patrick’s, and finally- finally Patrick’s restraint broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends. So, it's been a hot minute. Like a lot of us, my life has turned upside down in the last few weeks. My living situation was really uncertain since I lost my campus housing, so that's been a thing I've had to deal with. When I finally found a place to stay, I wasn't in a good headspace to write, especially such an angst heavy piece so I just didn't. I can't promise any quick updates, but we'll take it day by day, and this is definitely not a story I'll ever abandon. Thanks all for checking in and reading, let me know what you think :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got away from me. Note the rating change

David knew that Patrick loved him. Of course he knew that, they were engaged.  


But it was one thing to assume something based on circumstance. It was an entirely different thing to know it for a fact, to have Patrick tell him point blank.  


And _Christ_ it wasn’t just the ‘I love you’ that was earth shattering. It was all of. _I can’t keep pretending that isn’t how I feel. You’re just going to have to trust me_.  


David would never be able to say something like that. He was barely able to receive it. David was a big talker, but he rarely said anything real or honest. So instead of telling Patrick he loved him back, David did the next best thing.  


It was a chaste kiss all thing considered. But it was so much more intimate than anything David had ever felt. All Patrick did was reach his hands up and grip David’s face. Hard. Almost painfully. His lips parted just enough to breathe in David’s air but he didn’t make any sort of move to deepen the kiss, which was a new feeling for David. It was almost like now that they were this close again, neither was entirely sure where to go. After what felt like an eternity, Patrick pulled away enough to speak, “I missed you,” he said and David shuddered at how his voice broke, “God, David, so much.” And that was when David realized Patrick was crying. Strong, dependable Patrick Brewer was crying. David pulled him tightly against him because what else could he do? And then strong, dependable Patrick Brewer was crying in David’s arms.  


“I’m sorry,” Patrick murmured against David’s collar.  


“Shhh,” David said, “Don’t apologize for this.” Patrick took a breath as if he was going to argue, but it was quickly stopped by David dragging his nails up and down Patrick’s back and then Patrick was melting against him. It was strange to be the one doing the comforting, especially for someone like Patrick, but he had done so much for him. It was the least David could do.  


“There’s so much more to talk about,” Patrick said after a while, “And I don’t know where to start.”  


“But it is also 4:30 in the morning,” David said after he noticed Patrick’s eyelids drooping, “so maybe the talking can wait for the morning?”  


Patrick simply nodded and suddenly they were lying down without David realizing they were moving. There was something so new and sensual about being horizontal. The thing was, David wasn’t sure he’d ever slept with someone without having sex with them. And clearly they weren’t having sex tonight, but that didn’t stop the nerves from tingling in David’s stomach. There was no reason for him to be nervous, they were just going to fall asleep together. And presumably wake up together. Fuck.  


So David couldn’t fall asleep. He enjoyed the feeling of Patrick’s arms around him too much to waste this time with sleep, not to mention all the emotions swirling inside him from the past 24 hours that were impossible to ignore. It seemed like he’d already slept off the remnants of his panic attack and now he was filled with an indescribable energy. Patrick apparently didn’t feel the same way, because he was snoring in moments, one arm slung heavily over David’s torso and his head resting between his shoulder and skull like he belonged there.  


He’d looked so tired.  


David hadn’t fully realized just how tired Patrick looked until this moment. He’d known that Patrick was hurting too, but he had been carrying it so much better than David had. It wasn’t until he was in the vulnerability of sleep that David noticed just how much more at peace he looked than when he’d been conscious.  


David had done that.  


Not intentionally, but David had caused those worry lines and frankly alarming bags under his eyes.  


And Patrick wanted him anyways.  


It wasn’t a productive line of thought, and soon his feeling of contentment at being in Patrick’s arms was shadowed by overthinking. He had caused so much hurt and there was absolutely nothing he could do to fix it.  


“You’re thinking too loud,” Patrick complained softly against his shoulder.  


“I thought you were asleep,” David replied equally soft even though they were the only ones in the room.  


“You keep tensing up,” Patrick said with a shrug that was really impressive considering they were lying down.  


“Sorry,” David said with embarrassment.  


“Don’t be,” Patrick said. He punctuated the thought with a kiss to David’s shoulder that did wonders for the tension in his body. _I know how to take care of you_. And it definitely seemed like Patrick did. Would David ever be able to keep up? He must have tensed up again because Patrick seemed more awake than he had a moment ago, “So maybe we shouldn’t save the talking for the morning.”  


David bit back another apology and instead decided to be honest for once, “I just still don’t understand it.”  


“Understand what?”  


“How we work… why you’re in love with me.”  


“David-”  


“Just… I’m working something out, let me finish,” David continued, “I realized now that our strategy was more about making myself understand our relationship than it was for me to get my memories back. Because it doesn’t make sense that someone so logical and dependable would fall in love with someone like me. Then it started working too well and I got scared, because how many more times could I disappoint you before you decided you’d had enough? So I lashed out and I thought it would make me feel better but it didn’t. Because my world makes less sense without you in it. But I don’t want to keep stringing you along hoping I get my memories back, so I don’t know what to do.”  


Apparently it was Patrick’s turn to tense up. David didn’t want to press him for an answer, but every moment he stayed silent felt like an eternity. “Okay,” Patrick said finally, “Before I say anything else, I just want to make it very clear that you have done _nothing_ to disappoint me.”  


“Okay,” David deflected with a roll of his eyes, “But the rest of it?”  


Patrick very purposefully tightened his hold on David, “I am very proud of you for telling me that.”  


“That doesn’t really answer my question,” David managed to murmur around the lump in his throat.  


“Does your head still hurt?” Patrick asked suddenly.  


“No,” David lied. In reality, it had moved from a stabbing pain to a dull ache he could ignore if he tried hard enough, but David decided there was no reason Patrick needed to know that.  


“Can I try something?” Patrick pressed, “I know you just pointed out the flaws in our strategy, but we kind of skipped this moment and it’s one that’s really important to me.”  


There was something so unsure in Patrick’s voice that should have made David nervous, but he really just wanted to give Patrick the whole world, “Okay,” David replied. He wasn’t sure if he’d said it out loud, but Patrick was repositioning David so his back was pressed against his chest and Patrick’s mouth was right next to his ear.  


“Around three months after we started dating we had an open mic night at the store,” Patrick whispered. His voice directly in David’s ear should have been automatically sexual, but the uncertainty was still there and was curtailing any undertones, “You hated the idea.”  


“I’m sure I did,” David felt Patrick’s smile and it made his heart melt. David startled at Patrick clearing his throat, but Patrick tightened his hold. And then… and then David’s entire world changed.  


_“You tell me that you love me your heart’s on fire. You come to me, come to me wild and wired. Oh you come to me, give me everything I need.”_  


Patrick paused before going into the next line, as if David would tell him to stop. As if David was capable right now of saying anything at all. It seemed that David had even run out of tears after everything he’d felt today. All he could do was try to hold on. While his heart was going through the wringer, his mind was blissfully silent. There were no racing thoughts, or crippling doubt, there was just one overwhelming thought. He’d thought it so many times before, but never with this sense of absolute clarity. Patrick was in love with him.  


It didn’t make any sense, but maybe it didn’t have to. David had fallen for his fair share of people that weren’t good for him, and that knowledge didn’t make the feelings any less real.  


David thought he was going to burst by the time Patrick got to the last chorus _“I’m stuck on your heart. I hang on every word you say. Tear us apart, baby I would rather be dead. Oh, you’re the best.”_  


The room was silent save for Patrick trying and failing to catch his breath. David wanted to just live in this moment forever. He wanted to bottle this feeling and sell it as a perfume, he wanted so many things and none of them he was able to articulate.  


“So that is what I did when I realized I was in love with you,” Patrick said after a tense moment, “It was better with the guitar, but-”  


David couldn’t believe he had the coordination to flip around so fast and crash his lips into Patrick without hurting either one of them. He didn’t even have the chance to marvel at his own move before Patrick was opening his mouth to David. Maybe he’d been too quick to take sex off of the table for tonight.  


Once the thought of sex entered his head, it was impossible to get it out. Suddenly, all David could remember was the tension between them when they were at Stevie’s. Patrick would be so good in bed. He was deceptively strong and he would be so considerate, David just knew it. His train of thought was interrupted by Patrick moaning into his mouth and that was it. David would do anything to hear that sound again.  


He rolled until Patrick was underneath him and David was straddling his hips. David still wasn’t physically at 100%, his ribs hurt after too much exertion, and this entire day was being filed under too much exertion. But Patrick’s sharp intake of breath as David dragged his lips across his jaw would have been enough to make David forget a stab wound.  


“David,” Patrick groaned again, and David had no small amount of satisfaction at how wrecked he sounded already. Oh, David was going to absolutely _ruin_ this man. David returned to kissing Patrick’s throat in earnest as he worked on unbuttoning his shirt. Patrick seemed to be in a daze under him and David forced himself to slow down a bit, give Patrick a chance to stop him. Instead, Patrick surged up and plunged his tongue into David’s mouth. David smirked into it and got the final button on Patrick’s shirt undone and then finally, _finally_ , David was touching Patrick’s bare skin and it was _wonderful_.  


He was right about the muscles he thought Patrick was hiding under those boring button ups and he wanted to just lick every inch of Patrick’s body.  


“David,” Patrick said again as they broke apart for air, “Wait just a second.”  


David sat up, suddenly embarrassed at his sudden outburst, “I’m sorry,” he blurted out, “I got a little carried away.”  


“ _No_ ,” Patrick said emphatically, “Do not apologize for that. I just… think we should establish some… ground rules for this.”  


“Right, yes,” David said as he caught his breath, “Your ground rules?”  


“Oh,” Patrick replied, “I thought you’d have the ground rules.”  


“I was very comfortable with the way this was going.”  


“God, you can’t just say things like that,” Patrick groaned as he ran his hands slowly up David’s thighs.  


“Says the one who just serenaded me within an inch of my life,” David replied. It was supposed to come out teasing, but David couldn’t keep the emotion out of his voice.  


“So you liked it?” Patrick asked with a fond smile.  


David rolled his eyes, “Whose fishing now, Mr. Brewer?” and Patrick laughed. It had been days since he heard Patrick laughed and it was now the third best noise David had heard tonight, after the singing and the moaning. That seemed to remind him that he was, in fact, straddling Patrick still and it was very… distracting.  


“Oh wait, I thought of a ground rule,” Patrick said as if he’d ready David’s mind, “It’s my only one, really. We can’t do this if it’s just going to be a one-time thing.”  


“Oh,” David said, but it was hard to process the implications of that when Patrick was still stroking his thighs.  


“I meant it, I can’t pretend I don’t… feel how I feel about you,” Patrick continued, “And I don’t think I would be able to take waking up alone tomorrow.”  
David let out a shaky breath at that and nodded his head slowly as he leaned forward, “I’m not going anywhere.”  


There were absolutely more things to talk about, but David thought he might combust if he went another second without kissing Patrick. So he did, and everything just felt so natural and felt so right. Patrick made a move to flip them over, but the bed was too small and David was absolutely not willing to give up his physical advantage right then. So he pressed himself a little harder against Patrick and just gave, gave, gave anything Patrick could take. For his part, Patrick tried to kiss him back just as fiercely, but there wasn’t much more he could do in this position than just hold on. And when he was making the most delicious sounds of satisfaction, David refused to change anything.  


When David finally got a hand down Patrick’s pants and around his length was when he finally managed to surge up and meet David in earnest. Patrick swallowed David’s surprised yelp and fully sat up, pulling David into his lap. This new position allowed for so much new friction but the sudden movement caused David to lose his grip on Patrick’s cock. Patrick didn’t seem to mind at all.  


It would have been a perfect opportunity for Patrick to take his turn to ravage David’s neck, but he slowed things down considerably until they were doing nothing more than softly rocking together. It was nice, but nowhere near satisfying enough for David. Now that Patrick had more leverage, he wasn’t letting David push him back down. Instead, he kissed David again, soft and far too sweet. But that kind of sweetness was contagious and soon David was drowning in the intimacy of it. Patrick ran his hands under David’s sweater and was pulling it over his head before David really knew what was happening.  


“Mmm,” Patrick murmured in satisfaction as he pressed their bare chests together, “That’s better.”  


Even the glacial roll of their hips soon completely stopped in favor of just kissing. David was pretty sure he’d never experienced quite so much foreplay before. He couldn’t decide if it was too overwhelming or just perfect.  


“As much as I want this,” Patrick said against his throat, “I don’t love the idea of having sex right next to your parents.”  


“I can be quiet,” David promised and Patrick had the nerve to laugh at him. David gave his side a hard jab, but he could still feel Patrick’s grin. He found it more endearing to be laughed at during sex than he cared to admit.  


“Historically, neither of us can keep quiet.”  


“Then you want to stop?” David asked incredulously which earned him a small bite.  


“Absolutely not,” Patrick replied as he finally lifted his mouth from David’s neck to look him the eyes, “I was thinking I could suck your dick, if you’d like.”  


David’s mouth dried at the proposition. He’d wanted nothing more than to get his hands on any part of Patrick, but seeing that hunger in his eyes… Patrick wanted him just as much as David wanted him. David was getting drunk on being desired and he managed a small nod, “That, um, that sounds completely satisfactory.”  


Patrick gave him a wicked grin before he slowly moved forward until David was on his back with his head nearly leaning off the foot of his twin bed. Patrick kissed him soundly again before ever so slowly trailing kisses from David’s jaw down his neck and peppering kisses along his chest. He gave each nipple just enough attention to make David squirm but not enough to be truly satisfying and soon he was moving lower, ravishing his stomach with licks and kisses as he pushed David’s sweats down. He felt self-conscious at the attention but Patrick wouldn’t let him squirm away from it. His pace was slow and thorough and if David had been able to speak at all he would have begged. Mercifully, David hadn’t gone to bed in anything too complicated and Patrick proved himself to be an excellent multitasker.  


Soon David was gasping as Patrick licked and nuzzled him through his boxers, “You have no idea how much I missed you,” Patrick said as he moved past where David wanted him to pay the same attention to his thighs, “Absolutely no idea.” Now David was starting to feel embarrassed in earnest. He wanted to snap something witty but he’d lost the ability to do anything at all because he was in love with such a fucking tease who said sweet things in bed and kissed David in all the places he tried his best to hide.  


Sensing that David was at the end of his rope, finally Patrick eased his boxers down and David’s leaking cock sprang free. He was embarrassingly close already and he had to bite his hand to stifle the gasp caused only by Patrick’s breath ghosting against him.  


Patrick and David let out twin moans as he finally swallowed David down.  


His pace was tortuously slow. David should be grateful, he would have come in moments with anything faster but he was going out of his mind. David would have thought Patrick was just teasing him again if it didn’t seem that Patrick was savoring him inch by inch. His suspicions were confirmed when David ventured to lift his head and saw the slight roll of Patrick’s hips as he sucked David off. He was embarrassed to admit that the thought of Patrick getting off on this was doing more for him than Patrick touching him. David’s head fell back helplessly as Patrick sucked his balls into his mouth. David moved his hands up to grip Patrick’s short hair as best he could, “Patrick,” David whined as he returned to the head of David’s cock and licked his slit, “Please.”  


At that, Patrick returned to his original pace but with a little bit more force and David’s hands tightened in Patrick’s hair. That was enough for Patrick’s own rhythm to falter slightly so David did it again, With Patrick slightly slack jawed and lost in his own pleasure, there was nothing to prevent David from thrusting slightly up into Patrick’s mouth and that was _it_. After a few more upward strokes, he was coming in Patrick’s waiting mouth before he could give any warning. Patrick didn’t seem to mind at all.  


After a few minutes of catching their breath back together, Patrick kissed his way back up David’s body until he was curled against his chest. David somehow managed the strength to gently stroke the arm Patrick had swung across his middle and Patrick hummed in contentment at the contact.  


“As much as I want to take care of you, I’m not sure I can return the favor right now,” David said.  


“Oh, um,” Patrick lifted his head to look at David and he could see the slight blush coloring Patrick’s cheeks, “There actually isn’t anything to take care of. Anymore.”  


“Oh,” David replied as a cocky grin spread across his face.  


“Don’t say a single thing,” Patrick warned, but he was smiling too and David pressed a soft kiss to his mouth just because he could. He glanced over at the clock. A little after 5:00. What were the odds Patrick would agree to not opening the store tomorrow? Now that his brain was working again he was making a list of all the things he wanted to do to Patrick.  


“You should clean up, you’ll get uncomfortable,” David said even though he didn’t want to let Patrick go. Patrick sighed in agreement and untangled their limbs.  


“Maybe if you can manage to move to the right end of the bed we can get some sleep tonight,” Patrick said it with a joking lilt, but David couldn’t help but flinch at the implication. Mind-blowing orgasms aside, it hadn’t looked like Patrick had slept well in days and David had kept them up almost all night at this point.  


Alone while Patrick cleaned up, the thoughts David had finally silenced came back with a vengeance. David was in love with Patrick. And Patrick was in love with David, and maybe he was even happy for now, but how long would it be before he missed the old David? When would be get tired of having to explain things to David?  


He remained lost in those thoughts even when Patrick returned and settled against his chest again and kissed him goodnight. Sleep still eluding him, David made a list of all the things he had learned tonight.  


1\. Patrick loved him  
2\. Patrick was very good in bed  
3\. David wasn’t ready to say he loved him back, but Patrick was okay with that  
4\. For now  
5\. David absolutely couldn’t tell Patrick any of those particular worries  
6\. He needed to get his memories back, like, yesterday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So The Best was actually supposed to be a part of the last chapter, but I published without looking at my outline. I really, really wasn't willing to cut it, so I just made a whole ass other chapter so I could include it. As always, let me know what you think :)


	13. Chapter 13

So David didn’t sleep, because the pause on his overthinking was apparently entirely reliant on Patrick’s consciousness.  


He did a miraculous job pretending like he had when Patrick awoke at 8:00 AM though. David remembered Alexis telling him that Patrick was an annoyingly early riser, so he thought 8:00 seemed kind of late considering how much sunlight had been pouring through the shitty motel curtains. It must have been a testament to how tired Patrick was these days. David couldn’t stop the guilt from settling in his stomach again. So this was the kind of day it was going to be then.  


“You’re up early,” Patrick muttered as he planted a kiss on David’s collarbone. It made David’s stomach swoop even though it was over his sweater. _God _. David’s cock had been in Patrick’s mouth less than 3 hours ago, how was he feeling this much over a kiss that didn’t even touch bare skin?  
__

____

“Hey,” Patrick said, his eyes more awake now and worry furrowing his brow, “Are you okay?”  


____

David took stock of all the tension that was once again stuck in his body. He willed himself to relax. Patrick’s kiss had just been muscle memory, it didn’t have to mean anything. It worked probably about 50% as well as he’d wanted it to, but that was better than nothing. Once he was a little more relaxed, Patrick finally stopped looking at him with that concerned and suspicious look.  


____

David had done that.  


____

“As much as I love this,” Patrick began, “I need to go home and change before I open the store.”  


____

“Or you could just not do that,” David suggested before he could stop himself.  


____

“I’ve kept the store closed too much recently,” Patrick said, then winced at what he was implying, “We need to get back to keeping consistent hours.”  


____

“Fine,” David said petulantly and let Patrick go. Patrick responded with a fond roll of his eyes and a good morning kiss so proper that David didn’t even care about his morning breath. Maybe not just muscle memory then.  


____

“I have to go now or I never will,” Patrick said when he finally drew away, “I promise we will talk about this later. Dinner tonight?”  


____

“I have-”  


____

“Wait no,” Patrick interrupted, “You have the neurologist on Tuesdays. 5:00 right?”  


____

“Right,” David said, struck dumb by the fact that Patrick had remembered.  


____

“I… I could drive you?” Patrick suggested almost sheepishly, as if they hadn’t just spent the night together.  


____

“I’m sure Alexis will appreciate finally being able to use the car for herself,” David said, “Thank you.”  


____

“Well, anything for Alexis,” Patrick teased. And then he was gone and David was back to being alone to overthink.  


____

He needed his memories back but he didn’t know what to do. The song should have triggered something, it seemed like it had been such a monumental night, but all David had felt was the sickeningly sweet pull of falling in love. Which was great, but wasn’t entirely helpful for his goal. At his last doctor’s appointment, the neurologist had told him that sometimes all that was needed was time, and David wasn’t a very patient person.  


____

He could ask again today, now that the desire was back in earnest, maybe things would be easier. He finally forced himself out of bed and into the shower. He had the neurologist at 5:00 and if he got his act together, he could work at the store with Patrick until then.  


____

He only had the very briefest of hesitations before he put his engagement rings back on.

____

* * *

____

Stevie was going to watch the store while he and Patrick went to the doctor so there was nothing to close before they had to leave. Instead of facing Patrick immediately, David had picked up lunch for him and a coffee for himself. Alexis had given him an earful about what the doctor had said about how important it was that he eat actual food in his condition instead of just living on caffeine like he usually did. Lack of proper nourishment was probably one of the reasons he’d been feeling so bad when he was supposed to be well on the road to physical recovery, so Alexis said. David had told her to eat glass and got just a coffee anyway.  


____

He was feeling so much better than yesterday even with the… exertion of the night before. Not 100%, but well enough that he could fake the rest. It probably wasn’t the healthiest thing to do, but he’d worried the people he cared about too much, he didn’t need to raise alarm bells over his sore ribs.  


____

The store was empty when David got there. It seemed like the pity buys had died down and now things were back to normal. David maybe should have been worried that there were rarely any people in his allegedly successful store, but he was sure Patrick would tell him if there was anything to worry about.  


____

“I didn’t think you were coming in today,” Patrick said with a smile as he accepted the takeout bag from the café. There was an uncomfortable moment where neither of them had any idea what to do. Patrick had kissed him good morning, but David couldn’t allow himself the same amount of comfortability. He finally decided on a cheek kiss, and Patrick looked so pleased that he almost did it again.  


____

“I didn’t have anything else to do,” David shrugged as he sipped his own coffee.  


____

Patrick gave him a weird look, “Nothing for yourself?”  


____

“I ate at the motel,” David lied a bit too easily for comfort.  


____

“Okay,” Patrick looked skeptical but didn’t press.  


____

“Oh, this isn’t right,” David said as he noticed the half done display of bath salts Patrick had been working on and suddenly any tension was gone.  


____

Patrick went out for another coffee run about an hour before they had to leave. It was exhilarating and terrifying for David to be alone in the store even though it was his store. He had only worked a couple of shifts and the register had seemed to be his mortal enemy, but the day had been slow and Patrick swore he would only be gone for ten minutes, so David was alone.  


____

Then the phone rang.  


____

He looked at the ringing landline as if just staring at it would give him answers. It could be important but it was probably important in a way that David couldn’t deal with. Did any of their vendors know what had happened? They had to, it had been more than a month and it seemed like David had been pretty hands on before all of this. He didn’t want any pity from people he didn’t even know, but if it was important… he wouldn’t be able to stand Patrick’s disappointment in him, so he picked up.  


____

“Rose Apothecary,” he said breathlessly, “This is David. How can I help you?”  


____

“David!” A female voice said on the other side of the line. She was unfamiliar but obviously delighted to speak with him and it made David feel warm and fuzzy even though he couldn’t place the voice.  


____

“Hello…” David said slowly.  


____

“Marcy,” she supplied helpfully.  


____

“Marcy?”  


____

“Oh, right,” she said with a small laugh, “Marcy Brewer, Patrick’s mom.”  


____

“Mrs.…. Brewer,” David replied, unable to say anything else.  


____

“Oh, I had almost broken you of calling me Mrs. Brewer,” she said, once again laughing, “Guess we’ll have to start over.”  


____

It should have made him uncomfortable to be laughed at, but instead he just felt warm. It was like being teased by Patrick, or Stevie shooting him a death glare. He was absolutely being laughed at but it seemed like he was in on the joke, and David reveled in it. As unbelievable as it was that he was engaged, it was even more unfathomable that he would get along with his partner’s parents. But there was something about Marcy Brewer’s voice that just wrapped around him, he wanted to tell her all of his secrets.  


____

“Patrick isn’t here,” he said, finally coming back to his senses, “He’ll be back soon, I’ll have you call him back.”  


____

“Wait, David,” Marcy said, “I know you obviously don’t remember, but we used to talk a lot. I’ve missed it.”  


____

“Oh,” David said dumbly. He’d never really considered that by cutting out Patrick he could have been hurting anyone other than the two of them. It was just another thing for him to feel guilty about, but she didn’t even seem hurt or angry. Just resolved and forgiving. David wanted to give her a hug and he was pretty sure he’d never wanted to embrace anyone he wasn’t sleeping with before.  


____

“I’m not trying to guilt you into calling me twice a week or anything,” she joked, “I just wanted to let you know that Clint- Mr. Brewer and I miss you.”  


____

“Right,” David replied, “Um… I don’t really know what to say? What do we talk about?”  


____

“Well,” she began hesitantly, “Recently it’s been mostly wedding planning, but before that just this and that. I would gossip about my book club ladies and you’d talk about your family. At first we really only talked about Patrick, but we’re close on our own, David.”  


____

“Oh,” David repeated, since he clearly wasn’t capable of more than one syllable at a time, “Well… you could talk about your book club if you wanted to?” David could practically hear Marcy’s smile through the phone as she launched into a story about how Janet had brought her noisy granddaughter for the 3rd meeting in a row but hadn’t actually read the book.  


____

Marcy was an amazing storyteller even when the stories were rather mundane, and that was how Patrick walked back in from the café to David cackling on the phone while leaning on the counter. When David finally noticed him, Patrick was looking at him like he was transfixed.  


____

“Yeah, sorry,” David said into the phone after starring at Patrick for a moment too long, “Patrick just got back if you want to say hi. Okay, next time then, bye.”  


____

“And who was that?” Patrick asked.  


____

“Um, your mom, actually,” David said sheepishly, “She’d obviously been trying to catch you, but she’d forgotten what she called for by the end.”  


____

“You don’t have to apologize, David,” Patrick said with a wide grin, the kind of smile that David always wanted to be the reason for.  


____

“I wasn’t apologizing,” David replied a little too defensively, “Just explaining.”  


____

“Well you don’t need to explain either,” Patrick said just as evenly as he’d said anything in this interaction. David knew Patrick well enough at this point to see the tension he was holding in his body but he wasn’t comfortable enough to push it, so he didn’t. How had he ever thought Patrick was so unbothered by everything? Ever since they kissed, it was like David was noticing every one of Patrick’s ticks.  


____

Right now, he didn’t look upset but he did look slightly apprehensive. He could see it in the way that Patrick was being completely still. There was something complicated happening with his eyes that he couldn’t quite decipher, but it definitely wasn’t anger. Excitement and maybe a little bit of hurt? It was too complicated to figure out without asking and David absolutely wasn’t going to do that after how perfect the morning had felt.  


____

Marcy had let slip between stories that they were going to have to start canceling things for the wedding soon. Venue, caterers, etc. David couldn’t believe that was something he hadn’t thought about. He’d been caught so off guard being engaged that he’d never actually asked _when_ they were getting married. He figured they were engaged in a way that signaled commitment, not necessarily that they were in the planning phases yet. But he was wrong, and that mistake had caused him an uncomfortable pause with Marcy.  


____

4 months. They were supposed to be getting married about 4 months from now. Most of the vendors for the wedding needed at least 3 months’ notice to be able to get anything reasonable together. Which meant that if Patrick had canceled anything, David had a month to get his memories back in time to actually get married. David had almost stopped treating the David of before as a separate person, but he couldn’t help it in that moment. David wouldn’t be ready to marry Patrick in 4 months if he didn’t get his memories back, but he’d be completely fucking over future David if he ruined the wedding.  


____

And Patrick hadn’t said _anything_ about any of this. It was yet another burden that he insisted on carrying all by himself.  


____

“David,” Marcy had said, “I know how… nervous you can get. And I know you never want Patrick to see that. He’s the same way, he tries to take everything on himself.”  


____

“And?” David had nearly snapped.  


____

“And, we talked a lot about the things you didn’t want Patrick to see, things a mother knows,” she replied patiently even though David had nearly yelled at her, “I don’t mean to put anymore expectations on you, David, but if it gets to be too much… it might be nice to talk to someone outside of the situation. If you ever want to call again.”  


____

She’d returned to her story before David had a chance to respond.  


____

“I got you something to eat,” Patrick said finally, breaking him out of his head. Instead of the bag was holding out, David reached for the coffee in the tray in his other hand. Coffee that Patrick promptly moved out of David’s reach from behind the counter. David made a noise of protest that Patrick rolled his eyes at, “Food first.”  


____

“It’ll get cold,” he complained.  


____

“David,” Patrick replied. His tone left no room for argument and it would have sent a small thrill up David’s spine if he didn’t feel so supremely unhungry. But letting Patrick know that would just make him worry so he took the to-go bag.  


____

“I was thinking,” David said after taking a few perfunctory and unpleasant bites of the sandwich, “About what to do with this.”  


____

“With this?” Patrick asked as he sipped his own tea.  


____

“With us,” David amended.  


____

“With us,” he echoed.  


____

“You’re the one who wanted to talk today!” David said defensively. It was honestly very annoying that Patrick was making him do so much of the heavy lifting when it came to talking, but David knew that if Patrick talked more, David probably wouldn’t talk at all. He suspected Patrick knew this too. It was frustrating being known when he knew so little, which was exactly why he needed to get this relationship moving already.  


____

“Hey,” Patrick said gently, which made David snap out of his own mind, “We can talk, but we also have to go if we’re going to get to your appointment on time.”  


____

“Right,” David breathed as he gathered his things. He purposefully left the sandwich on the counter, but Patrick grabbed it anyways. Patrick’s talent for observation was annoying, David decided.  


____

“Did you… forget about the appointment?” Patrick asked as they got into his car. It wasn’t leveled as an accusation, but David tensed up anyways because he definitely had.  


____

“Yes,” David replied, “But not… like that.”  


____

“Like what?” Patrick pressed.  


____

“Like… it feels different when I forget things because of the accident and when I’m just forgetful,” David tried to explain. The difference was that right now David didn’t feel like ripping his own hair out and this is exactly how he felt every time he had to introduce himself to someone over and over, but he didn’t think Patrick would appreciate that answer, “I just was thinking about too many things at once and the appointment slipped.”  


____

“Gotcha,” Patrick said, and it sounded like he was trying but he didn’t understand at all. David couldn’t decide if he liked that or not, “So what did you want to-”  


____

“I want to keep going,” David interrupted, “With what we were doing, I want to keep going.”  


____

“Do you think it was working?”  


____

“Sometimes?” David said, “A lot of the time, I don’t remember anything at all. And there are other times when everything feels right at the back of my mind and I just can’t get a grasp on it. And I only ever feel like that with you.”  


____

Patrick had another complicated look on his face that David didn’t decipher but he saw Patrick nodding along.  


____

“Okay?” David asked, because he hadn’t asked that enough when they started this, “Is that okay with you?”  


____

“I’m okay with whatever you want.”  


____

“That doesn’t really answer the question though,” David pushed.  


____

“Well that is what I have to give you,” Patrick replied. It wasn’t exactly angry, but it wasn’t the teasing lilt David had become accustomed to either.  


____

“Okay then,” David replied. Now that he had been up and active for most of the day, he was exhausted. His doctor’s appointments always took a lot out of him and David simply didn’t have the energy to press Patrick anymore. David couldn’t say all those things about the wedding and how he wasn’t ready but he couldn’t let Patrick go. He couldn’t say how attractive Marcy’s offer was. He did want to talk to people outside of the situation. He was tired of confiding in Alexis and Stevie and them talking to each other. He was tired of hurting Patrick. He was tired of the looks of pity he still got around town and feeling like he was at a disadvantage in every aspect of his life.  


____

He wanted to go back to last night everything had felt so simple. But things looked different in the light of day than they had in Patrick’s arms in the dark. Loving Patrick wasn’t enough.  


____

But David couldn’t say any of that right now, and Patrick didn’t seem eager to fill the silence. Instead, they did something they very rarely did. They didn’t talk and all.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops, I broke my own rule about switching POVs. Is this exactly what I wanted is to be? No, but it will bridge the next part of the story. And I really wanted to introduce Marcy. We're getting into the last act of this story. I don't know how many chapters it will be exactly, but the end is in sight, I just have to fully flesh it out. As always, let me know what you think!


	14. Chapter 14

So they fell into a routine. It was alarmingly like their old routine, and Patrick told David as much. Patrick would open the store at 9:00 and David would usually only come in for the afternoons. They would close together on days when they could or Patrick would drive David to his doctor’s appointments. The only real difference was that David wouldn’t sleep over. It was enough of a difference to sour the entire thing for Patrick, but he never tell David that. Not when Patrick could tell that he was still trying so hard.  


It had seemed like they made some progress the night they spent together, but something had happened between that night and the morning that made David fall back into his old patterns of wanting his old life back. Patrick tried to go along with it. That was what Patrick wanted too, wasn’t it? He wanted his David back? That was what he told himself anyways.  


Patrick tried his best not to push on what David wouldn’t tell him, but he could almost physically see David beating himself up. It was like the situation had taken one some new sense of urgency and Patrick had no idea where it had come from.  


David had described his therapist as “pissy” when Patrick had picked him up that first day and David looked too exhausted to press. Patrick would give anything to be in those meetings, to know for once what was going on inside David’s head, but that wasn’t something he could ask for. David was cautious enough about the physical doctor’s appointments. Those had been equally disheartening. Patrick hadn’t been to one since David was first in the hospital and what was once a mess of theories and strategies had apparently just turned into a waiting game.  


“Nothing good will come from pushing this,” the neurologist warned at about the third meeting in a row that was just David complaining.  


“It’s been _months_ ,” David replied and Patrick kept his mouth shut. 2 months now.  


“The brain is a complicated things, David,” he continued, “And we don’t want to push the wrong buttons when we don’t know what’s causing this.”  


It had been several weeks since they had reunited and they were both getting antsy again. It didn’t help that David was making a habit of talking to Patrick’s mother at least a few times a week. Patrick had found it endearing the first time it happened. It did something complicated to his heart to see his fiancé getting along with his mom even when he didn’t really know who she was. He hadn’t lied to David, he didn’t need Patrick’s permission. But now… now it seemed like he confided more in her than he did in Patrick. And that was… complicated.  


It annoyed Patrick more than it should have, to be honest, that there was this piece of David’s recovery that he wasn’t a part of. He knew this was totally unreasonable when David was at such an informational disadvantage. But still. He wasn’t sure if it was helping anything. Sure, David seemed lighter after her calls. But he had also started confiding less in Stevie and Alexis, which meant Patrick had less information than ever. And there was also the feeling that this was now so high stakes.  


It was like when his mom and David talked before Patrick had come out. He couldn’t stop it, but it made him nervous. He hadn’t debriefed his mom on all the things he was being careful with revealing and he was worried his mom would let something slip that would disrupt the careful balancing act that was his and David’s relationship.  


But even if she gave something away, Patrick preferred David talk to someone rather than keeping everything to himself. Mostly. God knew Patrick was talking to Stevie and Alexis more than he ever had before. This whole thing was weird and awful but there had to be some sort of ending in sight.  


_Not the ending you want_ , Patrick thought. He’d called all their vendors for the wedding when it became clear that David’s amnesia wasn’t some passing thing. He hadn’t canceled anything yet, and everyone had been sympathetic and understanding, but the day was coming when he’d have to make some sort of decision. He could just not cancel anything, but if David didn’t recover by then and they had to pay for everything anyways, they wouldn’t be able to afford another wedding when the time came. But if Patrick canceled everything now and he and David still wanted to get married in four months…  


Time was of the essence and it wasn’t helping anything that Patrick was now dragging his feet on the next part of their relationship, too.  


Because it was the barbecue and the olive branch and Patrick could never recreate something as awful as an ex-fiancé coming back and breaking David’s heart. Not to mention that he really didn’t want to. It had ultimately made them stronger, but while they were so fragile… it seemed like an awful idea. But just like the first time, it seemed like the only way out was through, and Patrick just wasn’t ready to go through it again.  


So he lied and said after the open mic night there was a lot of down time before their next milestone.  


“This is such a bad idea,” Stevie said during what had turned into their at least weekly briefings, “You see that this is a terrible idea, right?”  


“You always thought this was a terrible idea,” Patrick retorted.  


“Yes,” she said evenly, “But I think lying is possibly the worst thing you could be doing right now.”  


“I’m not lying!” Patrick replied defensively, “I’m just taking my time.”  


“Like how you took your time with telling David about your old life the first time and he ended up getting hurt?” Stevie replied with that glint in her eye that told Patrick she knew she was right and she didn’t need Patrick to admit it. It seemed pointless to mention that David hadn’t been the only one who got hurt.  


“It’s a good thing then that this isn’t your relationship.”  


“It isn’t just about your relationship, it’s his whole life,” Stevie said.  


“Everything feels so fragile as it is,” Patrick said with a hint of defeat, “I’m scared something like this might send him running.”  


“I think you’re giving David way too little credit here,” Stevie replied, not unkindly but definitely with an edge.  


“I know exactly what David is capable of,” Patrick replied, “The problem is I still don’t really know how to deal with the David of the past.”  


“That didn’t stop you from having sex with him, though, did it?”  


That tended to be how most of their conversations went. Stevie never agreed, but she mercifully never betrayed his confidence. Or she realized that no matter how much it would hurt David to wait, it would hurt more if it came from anyone other than Patrick himself. Patrick was a coward, but he was only human.  


So he skipped to singles week, because telling David he loved him had been one of the happiest days of Patrick’s life. He, Stevie and Alexis were the only people who knew exactly what they were all doing. It was a risk to think that no one in town would tell David anything about the things Patrick was omitting for now, but David kept mostly to himself these days. It was likely David wouldn’t give much weight to anything that didn’t come from someone in his immediate circle. Which meant this was absolutely a betrayal of his trust.  


Patrick was doing such a shitty thing, but he was sure David would forgive him if he got his memories back. The David from four years ago? Patrick was never sure how he’d react to anything.  


“I’ll have you know that I don’t agree with this,” Alexis said as Patrick helped her set up their leftover products from singles week. He couldn’t believe they still had massage oils in the back after two years.  


“You and everyone else,” Patrick replied dryly. He loved Alexis and he loved her overprotective streak, just not when it was being wielded against him.  


“Okay, but like, I _really_ don’t agree with this,” Alexis said.  


“Again, noted,” Patrick said.  


“Patrick-”  


“Alexis, if you’re not going to tell David yourself, I really don’t need you telling me how badly I’m fucking this up,” Patrick finally snapped, “I am doing the best I can.”  


“Fine then,” she huffed, “But don’t expect me to help you when this blows up in your face.”

* * *

“So you walked in with a box of dog sweaters for Ted,” Patrick said a few hours later. He was more nervous than the first time he’d told David he loved him.  


“Mmm hmm,” David replied. This was always Patrick’s least favorite part. He hated explaining to David all the things they’d done and felt instead of just doing and feeling them. But if this was what David wanted…  


“Alexis had told Ted that she loved him. You thought she was insane, but I thought she was brave.”  


“Then what happened,” David replied, and Patrick could tell it was one of those moments where something was feeling familiar. It was a difficult thing to encourage that feeling without acting like he expected something from David. He was getting better with it, but things still slipped away more often than they didn’t.  


Patrick stood up straighter, choosing to step forward into the moment rather than explaining, “David, listen to me. What you’re doing is very brave and very generous” he said as he gripped David’s shoulders. He was always so tense these days and Patrick hated it. Normally he would ease that tension with maybe a lingering kiss or two, but he didn’t want to do anything to ruin the moment. Instead, he gave one small reassuring squeeze and continued, “And I don’t want to add more stress to your day…”  


“Mmm hmm,” David prompted after a few moments.  


Why was this so hard? He’d told David he loved him before. More times than Patrick could count. David didn’t say the words very often, but Patrick knew he felt it so Patrick said the words for both of them.  


Oh. _Oh_. Patrick didn’t want to say the words right now because he _knew_ David wouldn’t say them back this time. He hadn’t thought David would say them back that first time either, but Patrick had been drunk enough on the thrill of first love that it hadn’t mattered to him if David said it. It had been good enough for David to know. And Patrick had been so sure David felt it even if he wasn’t ready to say it yet. David told Patrick he loved him with every cup of tea or lingering touch.  


That first time, Patrick had surprised David with the words. But now, David already knew. Patrick had said it a thousand times before. Hell, Patrick had told him a few times recently. But Patrick was flying completely blind. For the first time, David knew exactly where they stood and Patrick had no idea.  
It wasn’t a good feeling. Was this how David always felt? He’d talked a lot in the beginning about how he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’d still felt uncertain 

long after Patrick had known he wanted to spend the rest of his life with David. It wasn’t a good feeling, he couldn’t imagine David feeling like this all the time. But the words were stuck in Patrick’s throat. He wished he’d told David more of what this day had been like. He wished his courage was more consistent.  


“Patrick?” David asked again.  


“And then I told you I loved you,” Patrick said finally. David was looking at him expectantly but the moment was broken. Patrick never hesitated to let David know how he felt, but he didn’t need to break his heart for no reason. The moment was gone and for the first time Patrick didn’t want to pull David close. Instead, he let David go and took a step back. He caught the brief flash of hurt in David’s eyes, but he didn’t make any move to fix it.  


“Then what happened?” David prompted and he cleared his throat and took his own step back.  


“You didn’t say it back, but I could tell that you felt it,” Patrick replied, “You said ‘Okay so, you just said that to me for the first time knowing that it would make my day more stressful?’ which was very cute and I teased you about it. Then you left for a long time and when you came back you kissed me and told me you loved me.”  


“Oh.”  


“I found out later that you’d talked to Ted and told him to give Alexis another chance,” Patrick continued, “But at the time, I didn’t think to ask. I was- We were so happy.”  


“Right,” David said with his eyes averted in the way that signaled to Patrick that it was getting to be a lot. That was when Patrick normally doubled down on what he was doing, but not this time, “So we were in love. Then what happened?”  


“Then there was more downtime,” Patrick shrugged, “We were happy.”  


“Patrick,” David said carefully, “I am not accusing you of lying, but…”  


“But?”  


“This seems aggressively drama free. Which isn’t how my relationships normally go,” David replied. He leveled his eyes at Patrick’s for the first time all day and asked, “Is there anything you aren’t telling me?”  


And Patrick…  


Patrick lied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Patrick has a history of withholding information, it's a character flaw, don't @ me. But do tell me what you think!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning this chapter for some suicidal thoughts

Of course David knew that there were things Patrick had glossed over. In a 3 year relationship, how could there not be?  


But this was the first time that David felt like he had been outright lied to.  


There was probably some reasonable explanation for it, David thought, but when had he ever done reasonable? Alexis and Stevie were useless, they told Patrick things more often than they didn’t. And there was… there was no one else David could talk to about this. His parents didn’t know the ins and outs of his relationship and he doubted he was close enough with anyone else in town to ask.  


David was struggling not to see that as premeditated.  


But no. This was Patrick. Patrick wouldn’t lie to David when he was in such a vulnerable position.  


Right?  


So if David pulled away slightly after that conversation, who could blame him? It wasn’t enough to tip Patrick off that anything was wrong, it was just a private corner in the back of David’s mind that he used for questions he knew no one would answer.  


David thought about calling Marcy, she had become a weird sort of confidant in the past weeks. But David didn’t want to put her in that difficult position and risk losing her.  


The problem was that David felt so damn dependent on other people.  


Patrick’s housewarming party was tonight. Honestly, David didn’t want to go. This was one that Stevie, Alexis and Patrick were in on together and David was getting really fucking tired of being an accessory in his own life. There were things Patrick et. all needed to set up, so Da vid was left to clutch desperately at independence.  


That was how David found himself driving to his therapy appointment by himself.  


He’d told Patrick he was planning on going alone the night before, and he wasn’t happy, but he hadn’t argued. David didn’t know what he would have done if he had. 

Obviously Patrick couldn’t forbid him from doing things, but there was some unspoken rule that David didn’t drive himself places.  


But here he was. And it was awful.  


It was the first time David had driven since his accident and he was acting like it. Driving wasn’t his favorite thing normally and the circumstances were ramping his anxiety up to a 15.  


But it was the kind of awful that David knew would be better when it was over. And mercifully, it was over about 20 minutes later. He had driven and the world hadn’t ended. Actually, David felt more in control than he had in months. He told his therapist as much, and about the party. Then it hit him.  


He remembered part of the party.  


A small part. A fragment, really, but it was the first thing he’d remembered in weeks. The party had been high school slumber party themed (gross), they’d played spin the bottle (grosser when he realized Alexis had definitely been there), and he and Patrick had gotten into a fight.  


The memory of a fight with Patrick was tugging something else in the back of his mind, something much more recent. He didn’t know how he knew that, but he was sure, and David was learning not to question those kinds of feelings. He and Patrick were in a car. David was driving, Patrick was pouting and that was all. Had he been fighting with Patrick before the accident? The harder he tried to pull on the memory the more it slipped away until there was nothing to hold on to at all. But still…  


It was the most he’d ever remembered at one time and David was itching to tell Patrick. He practically ran out of the office when his appointment was over and he raced home. He was too excited to even be anxious about driving and soon he was outside of Patrick’s house. He found the door to the building unlocked, presumably so Alexis could come straight up to help him set up the party, and David let himself inside.  


His suspicions were confirmed when he heard Alexis’ voice through the door. How had he ever lived here when the walls were so thin, David wondered. He was about to knock when he heard his own name. And it was probably a mistake to eavesdrop, but he was still running on the high of the new memories. Maybe it was about the fight he and Patrick had, either the one at the party of the one right before the accident? David was sure bringing up either might make Patrick deny it, he’d been so reluctant to go over any bad memories, so he’d take what he could get here instead.  


“You aren’t thinking about the long run,” Alexis said. It sounded like this argument had been going on for a while based on the way Patrick sighed in response (or it was one they’d had before), “ _Patrick_ , you aren’t listening to me.”  


“I am,” he insisted, “And I’ve listened to you every other time you’ve said it.”  


“This is different, Patrick,” she said, “I understand the other things, I really do, but what’s the point of this party if you aren’t going to pick the fight?”  


“And make David think I don’t trust him? I don’t think so.”  


“Seems like a running theme in your fights,” Alexis said with her smug lilt she got when she knew she was right. So David’s memory of this fight was right. Which meant he was probably also right about fighting before the accident. And Patrick was what? Just going to pretend they never fought?  


“Patrick, I know you aren’t stupid,” Alexis huffed after he stayed silent, “You don’t need me to explain this. Why aren’t these working?”  


“Because you have to boil the water for the jello shots, Alexis,” Patrick sighed, “What have you been doing over there this whole time?”  


“Stop changing the subject!” Alexis said, “We were talking about how you apparently haven’t learned anything in the past 3 years.”  


“Then tell him!” Patrick replied. It was the loudest David had ever heard Patrick get, and it was honestly a little scary, “If you honestly think that will help for him to know all the ways I’ve ever hurt him, then tell him.”  


“Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll tell him about Rachel while I’m at it, since you’re too scared to,” Alexis replied. As if in response to Patrick, she was calmer than David had ever heard her. David had been listening for too long, he was only going to get himself hurt, but he couldn’t stop now. His instincts had been right for once. Patrick had lied. Patrick had lied about a lot of things, it seemed.  


“You don’t even know enough about Rachel to tell him.” Patrick said.  


“I know enough to fuck things up,” Alexis countered.  


“And that’s why you won’t do it,” Patrick said.  


“Maybe I think the truth is worth getting hurt for,” Alexis replied, “And maybe I know that you are lashing out because you’re scared, and you know I’m right.”  


“Even if you were, it wouldn’t change anything,” Patrick said, “It’s too late now.”  


“That’s what you thought the first time,” Alexis replied, “And you know it would have been better if you’d just told the truth in the first place.”  


“We both know this David couldn’t handle the truth.”  


“This David,” Alexis replied, “It’s the same David.”  


“He is sometimes,” Patrick allowed, “But you should see the way he looks at me sometimes, Alexis. Like he’s just waiting for this all to come crashing down.”  


“He was like that before.”  


“Not like this,” Patrick continued, “I know he’s been hurt, and I know why he was wary with me. But this is not the same. He is always one foot out the door, and I am not going to make it worse.”  


“And you think lying is making it better?”  


“Alexis, listen to me!” he sounded so desperate, and ultimately scared that despite everything, David just wanted to pull him into his arms, “We are running out of time. Pretty soon, I am going to have to take David up to Rattlesnake Point and I am going to have to ask him to marry me, and I am going to have to look into David’s eyes and tell him he’s the love of my life when I know I’m not his right now. And it is going to break my heart.”  


“Patrick…”  


“So we are going to throw this party and you’re not going to tell him about Rachel, or the fight, or Ken or my parents, or any of the other shitty things I’ve done,” Patrick continued, “Because I know my David will understand when he gets his memories back.”  


That was all David needed to hear. He was gone.

* * *

The biggest question, of course, was who the _fuck_ was Rachel. Who the fuck was Ken and what had happened with Patrick’s parents was a close second.  


Had Patrick cheated on him? That was obviously the first place David’s mind went. But he’d been cheated on enough times to know the look of someone unfaithful. Patrick was a cheater. Then again, David hadn’t pegged him for a liar either.  


Oh god, had _David_ cheated? That would be a first for him, and certainly something Patrick would be justified in keeping hidden. But no, David didn’t think he was capable of that.  


The possibilities of this woman were endless and they all flitted through David’s mind at light speed.  


More than the questions, though, was the crushing realization that all of David’s insecurities had been right. _His_ David, Patrick had said. _His_ David would understand. _This_ David, the David he was, wasn’t the David that Patrick had fallen in love with.  


How quickly the hope that had sprung in remembering was extinguished. Of course Patrick wouldn’t be excited that David had half remembered a party from a year ago. He only wanted his David, not this David that was rediscovering himself and falling in love for the first time.  


He was driving around town aimlessly when Stevie called him. Right. It was almost time for the party and she was supposed to drive him. He wasn’t going to go, that was clear. 

But where else could he go where Patrick couldn’t find him?  


“Hey, where are you?” Stevie asked, because David still wanted to talk to his best friend even when everything else was falling apart, “I got your stupid pajama set out of the love room.”  


“Who is Rachel?” David blurted out. The silence on the other end of the line was deafening.  


“What do you already know?”  


“Nothing, Stevie,” David replied. It was then he noticed the tears streaming down his face. He couldn’t even wipe them away because he had the steering wheel in a vice grip with one hand and his phone pinned to his ear with the other, “I don’t know a fucking thing.”  


“David, where are you?” Stevie asked. Her calm sounded so forced David almost laughed.  


“Driving,” David replied, “Answer the question.”  


“I don’t think I’m the right person to tell you this story.”  


“And Patrick is?” David actually did laugh that time, but it was completely devoid of humor.  


“He made a mistake. Give him a chance to explain.”  


“Okay, obviously I am not going to that party.”  


“Then ask him tomorrow,” Stevie replied, “Tell me what happened tonight.”  


“It’s not about what happened tonight,” David said. He knew he wasn’t speaking coherently, but his thoughts were coming a mile a minute and saying them out loud was the only thing bringing any sense to them. At least Stevie seemed to be taking it in stride, “I understand waiting on some things. But I _asked_ him if he was keeping anything from me, and he lied right to my face. You all have been lying to my face for _months_. I have relied on you for everything, do you have any idea how scary that is?”  


“I have no idea,” Stevie said, “But please, let’s talk about this in person. You have no idea how sorry I am, and how sorry Patrick will be.”  


“It’s easy to be sorry when you get caught,” David replied, “Do you know what Patrick said tonight? He said _his David_ would understand.”  


“He said that to you?”  


“Not to me,” David replied, “But he said it. I’m not the person he wants me to be. I’m not the person any of you want me to be.”  


“That isn’t true, David,” he could hear her crying now. It seemed like she was picking up on what David hadn’t fully articulated yet. He wasn’t who they wanted him to be. He wasn’t who he wanted to be. So what was the point?  


“Isn’t it?” David pressed, “I know I get under your skin, and I’m short with Alexis. I know you all have lives outside of this that I’ve disrupted. I turned so many lives upside down with this accident. Maybe it would have been better if-”  


“Don’t you _dare_ finish that sentence,” Stevie practically growled, “Tell me where you are.”  


“I don’t actually know here I am,” David said. It was the truth. He was well outside of Schitt’s Creek, but he wasn’t anywhere he recognized. He was vaguely aware that it was far more rural than Elmdale he could see mountains in the distance. That didn’t help him much.  


“Then give me some street signs or share your location or do something,” she said.  


“I’m sorry, Stevie,” David said. He was clearly driving somewhere his body remembered even when his mind didn’t. And if he was going somewhere, maybe there would be answers. But he wasn’t going to get them by Stevie leading a rescue mission to drag him back to Schitt’s Creek.  


“David, do not hang up this phone,” she warned, but he had already made up his mind.  


“I love you, Stevie,” David said. It sounded so final, so he continued, “I’ll talk to you soon.”  


He ended the call in the middle of her protests. David hadn’t meant to scare her, but he needed to get away. He had done so little on his own since his accident. David wasn’t independent like Alexis, but he refused to be reliant on her, Stevie and Patrick for the rest of his life.  


If Patrick didn’t want him like this, then fine. If he didn’t want to ask David to marry him-  


That was it. Patrick had mentioned his proposal and David’s mind had latched onto it. If David’s memories didn’t come back with something as monumental as his marriage proposal, nothing else would work. David knew exactly where he was going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe a little melodramatic, but it is an amnesia fic. So y'all probably knew what you were getting into. This wasn't where this chapter was supposed to end, but finishing on a "David running away to the amish" sort of moment was too good to pass up. I'm not sure how many chapters of this are left, probably 2 or 3? But we are winding down. Let me know what you think!


	16. Chapter 16

Patrick should have known something was wrong when Stevie called him at all.  


“Patrick,” she gasped the moment he picked up. It sounded like she’d been crying, and recently. Patrick had never seen her cry before, not even after the accident. David claimed that he’d seen it a handful of times in their 6 year friendship, but the thought of Stevie being that visibly distraught seemed fundamentally wrong. At the thought of David, Patrick’s blood ran cold. There was only one reason Stevie would be crying right now.  


“What happened?” he asked even though he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted the answer.  


“You tell me,” she said. She sounded angry and terrified, but so, so _angry_.  


“Stevie-”  


“He’s gone. I don’t know where he is or if he’s coming back.”  


“What do you mean _if_ he’s coming back, where else would be go?”  


“Last time the Amish,” Stevie replied with a hint of hysteria creeping into her voice, “But that wouldn’t be my first guess right now.”  


“What _happened_?” Patrick tried again more forcefully. It was a miracle that Patrick stayed standing as Stevie summarized their much too short conversation.  


Oh god. _Oh god_. He was normally so aware of his surroundings, how had he not noticed David right outside his door? How had he been so stupid to talk so openly?  


But no, those weren’t the real questions. The real question was how had Patrick made all the same mistakes twice? Even with the benefit of hindsight and _multiple people_ telling him he was being an idiot? He’d always been too stubborn for his own good, but this time there might be a consequence he couldn’t live with.  


“I’m really scared,” Stevie said as though it wasn’t clear in her voice. But this was different than simply being scared. David hadn’t outright said he was going to hurt himself, but there were enough clues that it was in the back of Patrick’s mind. It was obviously right at the front of Stevie’s.  


Patrick couldn’t entertain that idea right now. He would break if he even considered it. David was lost, but he could be found. Patrick could explain. David probably wouldn’t forgive him, but knowing David was safe was more important than anything that could come after.  


Patrick made a mental list of all the places David would think he couldn’t be found. Stevie said it sounded like David was going _somewhere_ even if he didn’t know what that somewhere actually was. It had happened before, something David wasn’t fully aware of guiding him. Patrick wasn’t willing to bet anything on his intuition right now, but what else did he have?  


He gave Alexis a call when he was done with Stevie and she added a few more places to the list. She had a deadly calm and organization about her that seemed so un-Alexis. Patrick suddenly understood how she had gotten herself out of so many hostage situations. It was efficient, but he never wanted to see her like this again, Patrick decided. He’d relish her flippant and irresponsible behavior forever if she could just get them out of this.  


Mercifully, no one said what they had to be thinking. They’d both given Patrick fair warning: they wouldn’t help when this blew up in his face. But it had blown up, and here they were. Patrick figured they didn’t really need to give him an I told you so. Patrick was doing enough of that himself.

* * *

Patrick once thought that the worst pain he could feel was David breaking up with him.  


He was wrong. This was infinitely worse.  


He’d been driving outside of Schitt’s Creek for the better part of three hours and he wasn’t really getting anywhere. He, Stevie, and Alexis had been methodical about it, each of them going to the places that were significant to their relationship with David. The Wobbly Elm, Mutt’s Barn, the ropes course and a dozen other places that had made up their lives.  


By the end of the first hour, Alexis was convinced that David had just booked it back to New York. At least that would have been familiar to him. But Patrick refused to believe David wanted to leave for good. He had every right to hate Patrick, but he didn’t think he’d just abandon his family.  


Patrick had been trying so hard all night to push the fight with Alexis out of his mind. It wasn’t productive to spiral right now, and Patrick was nothing if not productive.  


His mind had drifted back to it when Patrick nearly slammed his brakes at a realization. Patrick had mentioned Rattlesnake Point by name, and in reference to his proposal. He was so stupid not to realize it before. Patrick was almost past Elmdale now, and Rattlesnake Point was nearly another hour past Schitt’s Creek in the opposite direction. It was a big detour if he was wrong, but Patrick wasn’t wrong. He’d had a few moments of aching surety in his entire life. Like leaving Rachel or investing in the apothecary. Hell, taking David to Rattlesnake Point in the first place. Patrick was sure. Patrick would find David at the place he’d asked him to marry him.  


He tried not to think of what state he could possibly find David in at night, distraught, and in the woods. Right now, it was enough that David would be found. 

* * *

Patrick was sure David was at Rattlesnake Point, but it was still a shock to see David’s car in the parking lot. No David with it, but at least it was a step in the right direction. He shot Stevie and Alexis a quick text that he was close. He didn’t tell them exactly where he was, Patrick didn’t want them to coming here. This was Patrick’s mistake and he’d have to be the one to clean it up, or at least get David back to town if he wouldn’t hear Patrick out.  


Patrick didn’t think David would, and he didn’t blame him. He was already formulating his plan as he made his way up the path in the dark.  


It was a decidedly faster hike without the backpacks or David slowing him down. Patrick certainly wasn’t a tracker, but he could tell the signs of a struggle. Someone had been here, and not quietly. Assuming David had managed to stay on the trail in the dark. It was clear that David wasn’t making his way back down as Patrick climbed up. Even if he was trying to keep away from Patrick, he knew David wouldn’t be able to stay silent enough for Patrick to miss him. Which meant that David was still at the summit. He _had_ to be. Patrick didn’t know what he’d do if David wasn’t.  


Lucky for him (or unluckily depending on how you thought about it), as Patrick made his way to the clearing in record time, he saw a figure curled in on itself sitting on the same rock Patrick had sat on right before he got down on one knee.  


However Patrick thought being up at this place with David would be, it was actually a million times worse. It literally knocked the wind out of him. Somehow, Patrick made his feet move forward until he was standing right behind David. David didn’t say anything at first, but he tensed enough that Patrick knew he’d been heard.  


“David,” Patrick said after what felt like an eternity. He didn’t even try to stop his voice from cracking. He hadn’t realized how scared he’d been that David was hurt until he was in front of him, whole. Or at least physically whole.  


“I thought I would remember,” David said finally. He was curled in on himself so tight Patrick thought he might have been trying to disappear completely. David hadn’t had a panic attack in front of Patrick in so long he’d almost forgotten how horrible the wake of them were. It always broke Patrick’s heart how he never seemed to think he deserved to even take up space. He ached to take David into his arms and kiss the pain away. But he couldn’t do that when he’d been the cause of it. Instead, he could only wait for David to say more. It was a long time before David spoke again, but Patrick would have waited forever if he needed to, “I saw the sign for the exit, and it seemed so familiar, I thought I’d suddenly remember when I got up here. But I didn’t.”  


“You don’t have to remember anything, David.”  


“You of all people don’t get to say that to me right now,” David replied. He said it with so much venom that Patrick almost flinched back with it. The last time he’d heard that voice had been in the car back from New York, right before everything went wrong. He hoped it wasn’t the last thing David would say to him, but Patrick would deserve it if it was.  


“I know,” Patrick managed, “I’m…” he trailed off. _I’m sorry_ didn’t even begin to cover it, but it was what Patrick was feeling. More than the fear of losing David, or the relief of finding him, or the need for David to know he was loved, Patrick was choked up with remorse. Patrick never did well with regret. He didn’t see the point of looking back on the things he couldn’t change. Or maybe it was because if he did, he’d regret most of his youth, and that just seemed miserable. So when Patrick did deeply regret something, it tended to bowl him over. This was a million times worse than anything he’d ever felt, “ _Please_ , David, let me explain.”  


“You can’t explain your way out of this.”  


“I did it before,” Patrick reasoned, “I’m sorry I lied about Rachel but-”  


“You think this is about _Rachel_ ,” David laughed humorlessly.  


“It’s about more than that,” he allowed, “But what you heard-”  


“What I _heard_ ,” David interrupted, “Was you saying you didn’t want to propose to me, and that _your_ David would understand.”  


“You have no reason to believe me,” Patrick began, “And maybe I meant it when I said it. Or I thought I meant it? But as soon as Stevie told me you were gone, I couldn’t think about anything other than getting you back.”  


“Getting your David back you mean?”  


“You’re the same David,” Patrick insisted.  


“You didn’t think that five hours ago,” David replied. Patrick saw a few tears leak from his eye down his cheeks. David pushed them aside as if they were an annoyance before continuing, “I don’t even blame you. I wouldn’t want to marry me either.”  


“You think I don’t want to marry you?” Patrick asked incredulously. It was almost the exact same way their fight all those months ago played out and it was making Patrick dizzy.  


“Of course not, why would you?” David replied before gesturing to himself, “This is me. The real me. The me I’d managed to grow out of, or at least hide enough to make people like me.”  


“David, you can’t possibly think you _tricked_ me into falling in love with you.”  


“It wouldn’t be the first time,” David replied, and that managed to break Patrick’s heart even further.  


“Let’s just… let’s just go back home, and then we can keep talking.”  


“No.”  


“David, please, it’s late and it’s freezing.”  


“No,” David repeated, “You can leave if you want, but I’m not going back.”  


“You think I would leave you in the woods in the middle of the night?”  


“Honestly, Patrick, I don’t know what you would or wouldn’t do at this point,” David said. And that was enough to snap Patrick into anger. Maybe Patrick deserved to lose David, or to have David hate him, but David’s family didn’t deserve this.  


“Get up,” Patrick said with more confidence that he felt, “We are going home.”  


“I am not going anywhere with you,” David replied with his arms crossed.  


“Alexis and Stevie are going out of their minds,” Patrick continued, “In case you thought this stunt only hurt me.”  


“So we’re calling it a stunt now? That’s what you’re going with?” David replied even more sullenly if that was possible. It didn’t hide the small hint of regret at the mention of his family, though, and Patrick knew he had him.  


“Then I’ll drive behind you. But I’m not staying here all night, and I’m not leaving you,” Patrick said as if David hadn’t spoken at all. He gave him another few seconds to move before continuing, “David Rose, I will drag you down this mountain if I have to.”  


David stood up at that, “You don’t get to touch me,” he snapped before heading back down. That hurt more than Patrick cared to admit, but at least it got David moving. David always ran cold, and Patrick was fucking freezing. Now that he was standing, David couldn’t hide the way he was shaking. Patrick didn’t know if it was from the cold or anger or just the emotions of the night, but something was going to give if they stayed on top of this damn mountain for another minute.  


Patrick walked behind David even though he was definitely faster. They didn’t speak and David valiantly avoided any point that would have required Patrick to help him. With the silence, it was impossible not to remember the last time he had been here. David had carried him up a mountain and he’d agreed to marry Patrick. He’d felt like the luckiest man in the world.  


They were now reduced to Patrick threatening to drag David down. It was hard to see anything lucky about his situation. When he and David had been briefly broken up, Patrick had wondered if it would be better if he’d never known how strong love could be. He would never have been happy with Rachel, but maybe the deep sense of dissatisfaction would have been better than how much love could hurt. The moment David lip-synched for him, Patrick felt stupid for even thinking it. Of course love was worth the pain.  


But now…  


Patrick wished he was strong enough to just turn his emotions off. But other than his brief burst of anger, Patrick was still drowning in regret. There were a million apologies on his lips, but all of them were inadequate. David was right, in the heat of the moment with Alexis, Patrick had meant what he said. David wasn’t fundamentally different, but he had done so much growing in Schitt’s Creek before Patrick got there. Patrick already knew how beautiful David was inside and out, but he wished he didn’t have to wait for David to realize it. Now, Patrick realized he would do anything to get to love whatever version of David he got.  


Patrick was trying to find an articulate way to say that when their cars came into view. He was out of time.  


David turned back to him suddenly, “I’m not going back to Schitt’s Creek,” David said, “I just thought I’d let you know.”  


“But Stevie and Alexis-”  


“Will understand,” David replied, “Or at least Alexis will. I’ve done this before.”  


“David, please,” Patrick said. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was begging for. For David not to go? For David to come back? For David to give him anything at all?  


“This is my problem,” David said, “And I need some time alone to solve it.”  


“Where would you even go?”  


“I’m not sure,” David admitted, “But I know I have enough saved from the store to live on for a few months.”  


A few months. When they were supposed to be getting married in four. Patrick already knew intellectually that they wouldn’t be getting married, but his heart was just now getting the memo. Patrick didn’t ask about anything else. He couldn’t keep David in Schitt’s Creek. So David would go and Patrick would stay and take care of the store and hope he’d come back.  


“I’m not…” David began and then paused to regroup, “I’m not sure what I would have done in your place. Broken up with me, probably.”  


“I wouldn’t even if I wanted to,” Patrick said without hesitation.  


“I know,” David replied. Patrick’s eyes drifted down to where David’s hands were toying with his engagement rings. _No_ , Patrick realized with a start. To where David was taking off his engagement rings. David managed a sad smile when he caught Patrick noticing, “So I’m going to do it for you.”  


“David, _no_ ,” Patrick sobbed, “I’m sorry. I swear I will tell you the truth about everything.”  


“But you can kind of see how I can’t believe that, right?” David asked. Patrick could, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear, “I want to get better, I do, but I can’t if I’m second guessing everything people tell me.”  


David pulled Patrick’s hand towards him and there was a dizzying second where he thought David was going to kiss him. But instead, David only pulled him close enough that he could gently place the gold engagement rings in Patrick’s hand. Patrick’s hand clenched around his so hard David had to forcefully pull it out.  


Patrick was too shocked to do anything other than watch David walk to his car and open the door. The rings felt unbelievably heavy in his hand, “David!” Patrick called before he closed the door, “I know you hate me and I don’t deserve it. But let me know when you get wherever you’re going. Just so I know you’re safe.”  


“Hate you?” David asked with his eyebrows basically to his hairline, “Patrick, I’m in love with you. The problem is you don’t love me.”  


Patrick’s brain short circuited enough that David turned back around and then he was in his car. Patrick watched as David drove away without another look back. Alexis and Stevie were going to kill him for letting David go, but what could he have done? If he’d forced David back to Schitt’s Creek, he just would have left again. At least now David got to leave on his own terms. Maybe it would even do the good David wanted.  


So Patrick watched and cried and clutched David’s rings tight enough to cut his own palms.  


Patrick had lost the love of his life. And it was no one’s fault but his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is everyone still with me? How are we doing? 
> 
> I *think* there will be two more chapters, hopefully without too long between updates. Don't hold me to that, though. As always, let me know what you think!


	17. Chapter 17

He hadn’t even found out who Rachel was. That’s all David could think about as he drove away and Patrick just let him.  


It certainly hadn’t been easy leaving Patrick, but David had expected him not to let him leave all. Patrick had tried, but he’d also deflated rather quickly. David couldn’t quite untangle how that made him feel. Even if Patrick had forbade it, David would have found some way to get out of Schitt’s Creek without him knowing. He hadn’t realized how much he meant what he’d said until he was saying it to Patrick. Just leaving had been bouncing around his head for months, but it took saying it out loud to realize it was only choice.  


For so much of his life, money had been David’s crutch. Money and the Rose name. Then he was forced into Schitt’s Creek and had apparently become an entirely different person. A person who fell in love and wanted to get married and started a business by himself. He wouldn’t be that person if he never lost the money.  


David was using Patrick in the same way right now. Alexis and Stevie too, but not to nearly the same degree. He was never going to grow if there was someone to catch him when he fell. It hurt like hell to end things with Patrick for real, but learning about himself by himself was the only way David might get his memories back. Or be able to cope if they never came back at all.  


All that bravado was well and good in the moment, but now David was entirely lost. Literally and metaphorically. He didn’t know anything about the area outside of Schitt’s Creek. He supposed he could just pick a town nearby and stay there for a bit, but he didn’t think settling somewhere out of convenience would be the best growth opportunity. No, David needed to take a look at his (limited) options and make a real decision for the first time in his life.  


That would require him pulling over and actually picking somewhere on a map, though. David was afraid if he stopped for even a minute he’d lose his nerve. This entire plan was contingent on David getting far enough away from Schitt’s Creek before he lost his momentum that he couldn’t turn back. At least not that night.  


He thought a moment about finding the Amish farm he’d gone to last time; that seemed as good a place as any. But David figured that was someplace Alexis or Stevie would check. He knew if one of them asked him to come back, he would without a second thought. No, it needed to be somewhere entirely new. And cheap. David had some money saved from the apothecary, but not enough for this self-growth adventure to go on indefinitely.  


Then he felt it. A sense of familiarity, just like he’d felt about the party earlier that day. He’d been mindlessly circling the wooded area surrounding Schitt’s Creek, and now he was actually closer to town than he was to Rattlesnake Point. His gut was telling him to exit the highway and drive back closer to town. It was counterintuitive to what he was trying to do, but David followed his instincts.  


The road he exited onto was dark. Lights were spotty all over town, but this road didn’t have streetlights at all. It immediately spiked his anxiety, but he was already here. David inched along the dark road at a glacial pace. He could almost hear Alexis in the passenger seat next to him saying “oh my god, David, could you go any slower?” He’d respond by slowing down just to spite her and she’d huff at him.  


David really should have called her, just to let her know that he was alright. Alexis was persuasive, though. She’d be able to convince him at least to let her know where he was. Maybe she’d even be able to convince him to turn right around. She’d forgive him at the end of this, he was sure of it.  


David was pondering just turning back around when he hit an intersection out of nowhere. The red of the stoplight was so dim that David could barely see it even in the pitch dark. The light seemed to last an eternity, but eventually it turned. David hadn’t hit the gas for more than second before he was slamming his brakes with a gasp. Luckily, he was the only one at the intersection so he was free to hyperventilate in the front seat before he managed to pull over.  


What the hell was _that_ , he thought. David took a few minutes to collect himself, then he turned around and did it again. And again. And again. He did it again until he could think through his moment of panic. It was exactly the kind of thing everyone in his life would tell him not to do, but he was so close to something.  


On probably the millionth pass through the intersection, David saw it. A memory of metal crunching and David being thrown against the roof of his car as it flipped.  


Oh. _Oh_.  


In all the months since the accident, he’d never thought to ask _where_ it had been. It’d never occurred to him that it would be a place he should avoid. None of his memories had ever returned so strongly. David supposed it made sense, it was the last thing he’d experienced before everything changed and it had been so traumatic. At least he was told it would be traumatic if he ever remembered that. David could now confirm that was true. He managed to pull over again as panic seized him. On the shoulder, the memory of the moment of impact expanded until he remembered seeing the car coming at him. There had been nothing he could do, the other driver had breezed through the light and it had been too dark for David to see where he could even swerve. All he could do was wait for the car to hit him and hope someone was conscious enough to call an ambulance.  


David repeated that memory a few times before he tried to reach back even further. He’d been on his way back from the liquor store. For some reason, he went to the one outside of town instead of just swiping a bottle from the store. He probably hadn’t wanted to deal with Patrick’s annoyance at him stealing product. He’d called Stevie a few minutes before saying to expect him, because he was itching for a verbal sparring match after how he’d left things with Patrick. That was as far as he could go right now, but that was more than enough.  


David was _remembering_. He didn’t know how far back he was going to be able to go, but it didn’t really matter. David was itching to reach back farther, but he didn’t want to do it on the side of the road.  


At this point, David might as well go back to Schitt’s Creek. At least he’d be somewhere familiar to fall down this rabbit hole. But no. He didn’t want anyone to know what he’d discovered quite yet. He stayed on the side of the road for ten minutes more before he picked up his phone. David wasn’t sure this was the right call, but it definitely wasn’t the worst option.  


“Hey, Marcy,” David said when she picked up after a few rings, “I need some help and you can’t tell Patrick.”

* * *

Okay, so David had obviously underestimated how far Patrick’s parents could possibly live. He’d had to drive through the night and enter a whole ass other province. The good thing was he’d also underestimated how loyal the Brewers were to him, even without Patrick.  


Judging from the lack of, well a very angry recently ex-fiancé to greet him, it seemed like Marcy hadn’t called Patrick. Instead, he was greeted with a hug and a “tell me tomorrow, sweet boy, you must be exhausted.”  


He was, but sleep was the farthest thing from David’s mind. Mercifully, Marcy had made him a small dinner even though it was far too late to be reasonably cooking, and she let him be. In the safety of the Brewer’s house, David laid down on what he assumed was Patrick’s bed and went mentally back to the liquor store.  


Before that, he’d dropped Patrick off. Patrick had told David loved him, and David had managed to say it back. He was pissed beyond belief, but he always loved Patrick. He’d never give Patrick any reason to doubt that. No, that wasn’t quite it. That was present David thinking. That night, David had given Patrick plenty of reason to doubt.  


He’d basically broken his engagement. Or given Patrick a reason to break it instead. He’d meant his words in the moment, but he regretted them as soon as Patrick was out of his sight. It had been a remnant of past David, whose partners didn’t care enough about him to be jealous of other people. David hadn’t even considered that talking to an ex would bother Patrick. But if the roles had been reversed, David would have absolutely lost his mind.  


But he needed some time to lick his wounds. Hence, wine with Stevie.  


Okay, so now he remembered the fight. Compared to the words they’d thrown at each other after the accident, it was barely a blip on his radar. He could splice the fight once he remembered the rest of his life. He probably wouldn’t get it all tonight, but he was feeling more like himself than he had in months. David shut his eyes and kept going back. 

* * *

David didn’t sleep. He was scared he’d lose the memories he’d gotten back if he stopped for even a second. Instead, he had lived in his own mind for hours and hours. It didn’t always work for him to go back linearly. For some reason, there were blocks that he couldn’t get around. He had been bouncing around his first year in Schitt’s Creek when the sun started to peak through the blinds.  


As confusing as it was not to remember everything at once, he would rather be missing pieces of the puzzle than not know what the picture looked like at all. By the end of the night, he remembered opening day of the store, but none of the set up or how he got the money for the store in the first place. Honestly, while everything after the store opened was moving further into focus, anything before that was either fuzzy or completely blank. He didn’t know the complete timeline, but he guessed he’d gotten back about two of the four years he had lost. It seemed like a lot of his feelings for Patrick had grown while they were setting up the store, but he remembered their first kiss and… he had a vague idea of everything after that.  


He should call Patrick. David promised he’d call when he got where he was going, but it had been so overwhelming last night. His family was probably going out of their minds. But he didn’t want to break whatever was making him remember right now. 2 years was better than nothing, but he wanted all 4. Instead, he compared his actual memories with what Patrick had showed him.  


Other than the parts he’d omitted altogether, Patrick had been faithful to their story. Of course, the omissions were pretty fucking big ones. But the truth was, he’d been a goner for Patrick from their first kiss. Now that David remembered that, there was nothing he and Patrick couldn’t figure out together.  


Patrick had been right. Present David did forgive him now that he had all the context. Or he’d forgive him once Patrick did a little more apologizing. And David would apologize too. But he had to sort out his own feelings first. He finally understood why his therapist had urged him not to think of himself as two separate people. Those people were now crashing into each other, and it was a mess. Lucky for David, he’d been a mess most of his life. He needed time to untangle himself. But once he did… he only hoped Patrick would take him back.  


_Please don’t freak out. I’m okay_ David texted Stevie once it reached a more reasonable.  


_I’m going to fucking kill_ you she replied almost immediately. David didn’t reply right then, because it was honestly a fair sentiment. _Come home soon_ , she replied when David stayed silent. He didn’t respond to that either. It seemed like she was at least accepting his choice, even if she didn’t agree with it.  


He didn’t get off so easily with Alexis. His phone rang a few minutes after Stevie’s last text. There was a part of David that didn’t want to pick up, but the stronger part of him knew he’d put her through a lot yesterday. He deserved whatever she was going to say to him.  


“What the _hell_ , David?” she cried when he picked up.  


“I’m sorry,” he said.  


“You should be,” Alexis snapped. Then she softened, “I can come pick you up, where are you?”  


“Somewhere safe,” David assured her, “And I’m going to stay for a while.”  


“Awhile? How long is awhile?”  


“I feel like I’ve asked you that same question before,” David replied, “2002, when you decided you were staying on Justine Timberlake’s private island.”  


“Not the time, David,” she said, “How could you do that?”  


“Alexis, I remembered.”  


She was uncharacteristically silent for at least ten seconds. David was almost afraid she had fainted, but then she spoke, “Remembered what?”  


“A lot,” he admitted.  


“All of it?”  


“No,” David said, “But I think I might. But I need to be alone for a little while.”  


“Okay,” she said.  


“Okay?”  


“I can’t believe you didn’t tell us this yesterday, but okay,” Alexis said, “I assume you don’t want me to tell anyone?”  


“Thank you,” David said, “I’ll call you soon.”  


The next thing David needed to do was explain things to Marcy. He hadn’t thought about it much in the moment, but David had called her well after midnight. And instead of freaking out, she’d welcomed him into her home without asking any questions. And now he actually remembered meeting her and knowing her.  


Had Patrick planned on to glossing over the fact that he’d kept their relationship a secret for two years? Probably. David definitely would have freaked out if he’d learned he’d been Patrick’s secret. Of course it wasn’t like all the times he’d been dating “straight” men or, the couple of times he’d had an affair with a married person, but he doubted he would have seen it that way. It didn’t matter right now, it was just another thing he’d have to add to the list of things he needed to talk about with Patrick. Instead of dwelling on that, he ventured downstairs.  


“David, honey, you’re up?” Marcy said with not unfounded surprises. It was early for regular people, let alone early for David.  


“I didn’t actually fall asleep,” David admitted. Marcy gave him a sympathetic look and handed him a cup of coffee. David accepted it gratefully while Marcy waited for him to talk. She was annoyingly like Patrick like that, she wasn’t going to pry it out of him, “I remembered… some things.”  


“What things?”  


“About two years,” he said.  


“David that’s _wonderful_.”  


“And Patrick and I broke up last night,” he added before he lost him nerve, “Before the um, remembering happened. I overheard him talking to Alexis, and I bolted instead of hearing him out. I’m sorry.”  


“What could you possibly have to be sorry for?” Marcy asked with what seemed like genuine confusing.  


“Inviting myself over to your house in the middle of the night? Breaking your son’s heart? Take your pick.”  


“ _David_ ,” Marcy said, “You are my son, too. I hope you remembered some of that.”  


“I did,” David said, “But-”  


“No buts,” Marcy insisted, “This situation has been hard for Patrick, I know that. But I can’t even imagine how hard this has been on you, David.”  


“Marcy-”  


“No,” she continued, “You deserve a chance to work things out by yourself. Clint and I won’t tell anyone until you’re ready.” 

* * *

So David stayed. It wasn’t until a full week that he even considered telling someone where he was. He knew the Brewers and knew he wouldn’t overstay his welcome, but he was scared of going too far in the other direction. It had been a crutch to stay in Schitt’s Creek, but withdrawing fully was also not going to help him in the long term.  


After a week of untangling his memories, David thought he had a good enough sense of his life to have a conversation with Patrick.  


But now he was terrified Patrick wouldn’t want him back. David had put him through so much, even before the accident. Were they still in the fight from the movie premiere? And even if they got back together, there was still the question of if they’d still be getting married. David didn’t think they’d be able to pick up right where they left off, but would they still be engaged at all? For about the millionth time, David went to play with his engagement rings only to find he wasn’t wearing them. David couldn’t believe he’d given the rings back. He was missing them now like he was missing a limb. He didn’t even have the silver ones to replace them, and he just felt naked.  


He’d drafted about a thousand texts to Patrick. All of them seemed woefully inadequate all things considered.  


_I remembered all the reasons you’re the love of my life, take me back_?  


_I’m hiding out at your parents house, please don’t be mad they didn’t tell you._  


He thought about sending a simple sorry, but that would lead to questions David didn’t have the answers to.  


In the end, David didn’t have to make the decision to text him. Patrick texted him first.  


_I know I’m supposed to be giving you space, but are you safe?_  


David resisted the urge to respond immediately. He didn’t want it to seem like he’d been just staring at his phone resisting the urge to reach out. He had, but Patrick didn’t need to know that.  


_I’m okay_ , David replied after a respectable amount of time.  


_Okay. Call me when you’re ready_. It seemed final enough that something twisted in David’s stomach. It wasn’t like with Rachel when Patrick had been desperate to get him back. This time, it was clear that Patrick was going to truly respect his space. He wasn’t going to say anything more until David seemed to want it.  


So David said fuck it and called him a few minutes later, “David?” Patrick asked when he picked up. To say he sounded confused would have been an understatement.  


“Hey, sweetheart,” David replied. He tried and failed not to tear up immediately, but it didn’t seem to matter when he heard Patrick’s breath catch on the other end of the line.  


“Did you… are you?” Patrick stammered on the other end of the line.  


“I did,” David confirmed. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was confirming, probably just that something had changed. Patrick didn’t seem to need any clarification though.  


“Where are you? Let me come get you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introspective chapters are my nightmare, so I hope it was as satisfying to read as it was for me to finally finish writing. I'm thinking one more real chapter then an epilogue. Let me know what you think!


	18. Chapter 18

Patrick was going to kill David, his parents, and Alexis in that order.  


He could not believe that all of them had kept David’s recovery from him for a week. A _week_. He had been going out of his mind. He’d forced himself to open the store because he thought he might just track David down if he didn’t have something to occupy his mind. But like every other time he’d done it, being surrounded by a store that was just so completely David only made things worse.  


By day three, Stevie was preparing to lock him in her closet until he could pull himself together. On day four, she was ready to lock herself up with him.  


Then, after seven whole fucking days, he caved. Patrick had told David he’d leave him alone, but he’d also told David to call him when he got where he was going, so he thought it was fair. His text was short and wasn’t intended to try and get him back, or to get more information than David was ready to give. It was concern and nothing else. That was what Patrick told himself, at least.  


However he’d expected David to react, hearing his phone ring after a string of equally emotionless texts a few minutes later nearly gave him a heart attack.  


“David?” Patrick asked. He tried not to sound hopeful. As much as Patrick ached to hear his voice, a call could have meant anything with the way things stood. Patrick guessed almost everything other than what David actually said.  


“Hey, sweetheart,” David said. And it sounded so… David. More David than he’d sounded in months that Patrick had just _known_. A million questions ran through Patrick’s mind, but only one really mattered. Where the hell was he and would he let Patrick come get him?  


He’d already been halfway to his car when David confessed he was at the Brewer’s.  


“Please don’t be mad, I made them promise not to tell you,” David said. Patrick said nothing. He wasn’t just mad. He was _furious_. He was going to orphan himself because he was possibly going to kill his own parents. Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. He’d probably feel less homicidal after the five hour drive.  


God, had David really driven five hours to his parents instead of just coming back to Schitt’s Creek? Patrick didn’t really consider that maybe David wouldn’t want to come back yet until he was well into the drive. Not telling Patrick to stay wasn’t exactly the same thing as asking him to come. Patrick would cross that bridge when he got to it. Right now, he just needed to see David. Everything would be better once David was in front of him. Patrick knew he very well may be setting himself up for heartbreak, but he’d grabbed David’s engagement rings before he could think too much about it.  


He’d asked Alexis to cover the store, then she’d let it slip that David had told her about his memories. He could yell at her once he saw David for himself.  


So it was basically a recipe for disaster for Patrick to drive to another province on no sleep and angry at almost everyone in his life. But what was he supposed to do? Not go to David? He’d always go to David.  


About half an hour from his hometown, the nerves set in. What if David really didn’t want to see him? What if he’d remembered their fight and was breaking up with him for good and just wanted to do it face to face? The what ifs were going to destroy him, so Patrick turned up the music and tried to drown his own thoughts out.  


When he got to his street, he idled in his drive way for a solid ten minutes. Maybe David really wouldn’t take him back, but wasn’t it better to know? He’d lived enough of his life in a limbo. He couldn’t imagine a future without David in it, but there was also a time he couldn’t imagine his life with someone like David. It was always better to know, that’s what Patrick had learned in all his life experiences.  


With that thought, Patrick got out of his car and knocked. His mom opened the door a moment later.  


“Patrick?” Marcy asked, “What are you-”  


“David called me,” Patrick said a bit tersely. He’d never yell at his mom, no matter how angry he was, “We will talk about this later. Can I come in?” It felt weird to ask to come into his own house, but he’d never felt more like a stranger.  


Marcy stepped aside, “I love you, my sweet boy, but I’m not sorry.” Just seeing her so unrepentant made his anger all but evaporate. Patrick didn’t say anything to that, because he honestly understood. Had he not been conspiring with David’s sister this whole time as if she was his own? It wasn’t just that. Alexis _was_ his own. If David felt the same way about his mom, how could he be mad? Anger was replaced by hurt, though. It was still his parents that had kept such a monumental secret from him. Patrick knew it would fade, but right now he just needed to let it sting.  


As weird as it felt knocking on his front door, knocking on his own bedroom door felt infinitely worse. It was a tense moment before David told him to come in. He was sitting on Patrick’s bed facing the door. The first thing Patrick noticed was his eyes. They looked clearer than they had since the accident. The next thing he noticed was how exhausted David looked. Exhausted, but alive. Patrick spent a few minutes just studying David. He didn’t have the words right now. Uncharacteristically, David didn’t flinch away from Patrick’s intense gaze. Instead, David was scrutinizing him just as intently.  


“You came,” David said finally.  


“Did you think I wouldn’t?”  


“I honestly didn’t know,” David replied, “I’m not sure I would have.”  


“And miss out on a chance to yell at you in person?” Patrick asked with a slight lilt. Everything had felt so life or death the past few months, the urge to just tease for the moment was too much for Patrick to resist. David didn’t say anything, but Patrick caught the way his lips quirked up slightly.  


“Yell away, then,” David replied.  


“Oh I will,” Patrick promised, “But why don’t you tell me what the hell happened first?”  


So David did. In typical David fashion, the story took about a dozen detours. By the time he’d gotten to arriving at the Brewer’s, Patrick had drifted over to sit next to him on the edge of the bed. He didn’t touch David, not yet. Patrick was afraid they’d get sidetracked if they crossed that particular line, and talking definitely had to be their priority right now. But he ached to hold David’s hand as he described still having gaps in his memory, of thinking that Patrick might not want to marry him anymore. By the time he was done, they both had silent tears running down their cheeks.  


“You realize how stupid it was for you not to go to the hospital, right? Or call someone who could take you there?” Patrick asked, a bit of anger slipping into his voice. Because yeah, he wanted to kiss David until he forgot his own name, but he was still so wired from the emotions of the last seven days to fully let his hurt go.  


“That’s what you’re going with, really?” David asked, not entirely without humor.  


“Yeah, I think it is,” Patrick replied.  


“Not the part about me sobbing on the side of the road? Or not being sure if you wanted to even marry me anymore?”  


“Oh, we’re getting married,” Patrick said before he could stop himself. He didn’t pause long enough to feel embarrassed, “That thought is almost as stupid as not going to a _doctor_ for your _brain injury_.  


Patrick had a lot more fight in him. After the week he’d had, how could he not? But before he could really go off the rails, he was interrupted by David’s hands grabbing his head and David’s lips crashing into his. It was pure instinct for Patrick to open his mouth and accept David’s exploring tongue. It was the most visceral kiss of his life. It was half the kind of familiar that only came with a thousand good morning kisses, like coming home. It was half a discovery, like the first time he had tasted David four years ago. Together, it was a revelation. If Patrick had been unsure where they stood before, he wasn’t anymore. Security had been the thing that was lacking in their relationship since the accident, not love. If Patrick or David had been sure about anything, they could have made it work even without David’s memory. But David was always one foot out the door, and Patrick was trying to find a balance between letting him go and holding on as tight as he could.  


But now… As they broke apart to take a breath, Patrick was completely sure for the first time in a long time that wouldn’t be their last kiss. The thought made Patrick kiss him again, and again, and again until he was finally smiling too hard to be coordinated enough. David didn’t seem to mind though, his smile was just as wide. They sat for a moment with their foreheads pressed together just breathing each other in.  


“Hi,” David finally broke the silence.  


“Hi,” Patrick replied.  


“This fight isn’t over just because you kissed me,” David teased.  


“ _I_ kissed _you_?” Patrick laughed.  


“Well,” David amended, “You didn’t seem to mind.”  


“No, I didn’t,” Patrick agreed before turning serious, “I know I still have a lot to apologize for-”  


“So do I.”  


Patrick shook his head, “Not nearly as much as me. I promise I will, but right now… can we just stay in this moment a little bit longer? And go to the doctor?”  


“Do we have to?” David asked, then arched an eyebrow, “I can think of some things we can do that are way more fun than the doctor.”  


“The doctor is nonnegotiable,” Patrick asked with a fond roll of his eyes. David’s answering pout was what finally sealed the deal for him. They were back. 

* * *

After a quick lunch with the Brewers (Patrick wasn’t rude, but he was still sorting out his feelings about his parents not telling him about David), they packed what little David had and got on the road.  


The alternated between comfortable silence and talking about everything and nothing. There was a lot that remained off limits, neither thought they should broach the difficult topics until they were safely back in Schitt’s Creek.  


The doctor didn’t have an explanation for David’s resurgence of memory other than his same spiel from the past several months, the brain is complicated and maybe all David needed was time. David thought he just needed to stop hiding and who was Patrick to argue with him? Either way, David was given a clean bill of health with the caveat to return if anything seemed odd. They weren’t sure if what he was still missing would ever come back, but David didn’t seem terrified by the idea. He’d said that he’d remembered everything important, and what was the point of obsessing over the small gaps? It was such an un-David like thing to say that Patrick smiled.  


Patrick knew he should have called the Roses, but he selfishly didn’t want to share David just yet. They didn’t talk about it, but David didn’t argue when Patrick turned onto his street. Without speaking, they entered Patrick’s apartment and sat down on his couch.  


“Are you tired?” Patrick asked after a tense moment.  


“Exhausted,” he admitted, “But this is more important.”  


“I don’t know where to start,” Patrick said with a sigh.  


“The beginning?” David suggested.  


“Right,” Patrick said. He took a moment to collect his thoughts, “I should have told you we were fighting before the accident, but… the fight seemed so stupid when I thought about it and I didn’t want to scare you away. So I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, and I’m sorry I was an ass at your mom’s premiere.”  


“I was kind of an ass first,” David said, “I’m sorry I implied you didn’t want to marry me.”  


“That’s kind of been a running theme, hasn’t it?” Patrick said. It was supposed to come out as a joke, but his voice broke at the end. David reached over and laced their fingers together, which didn’t do anything to stop the tears. This was an old insecurity, one David had almost broken him of before everything went wrong. Patrick understood David’s anxiety, and he tried to assuage his fears when he could, but there were some things that Patrick just couldn’t help. The more anxious David got, the more Patrick thought he was failing him. Like he wasn’t loving David right or enough. And the more anxious David got. It was a vicious cycle with no winners.  


“I know,” David said, “I know you love me, and I know you want to marry me, but I don’t know if I’ll ever stop thinking you’re too good to be true.”  


“I think the same thing about you,” Patrick said, “You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met, and I don’t know why you’d want to spend your life with me. Especially after this.”  


“I don’t think there was a right way to handle _this_ ,” David said. Patrick appreciated that David didn’t argue just to make him feel better. Patrick had made mistakes, mistakes that had almost cost him everything, but David wasn’t running now. They were in this together now.  


“I don’t have an excuse for not telling you about Rachel,” Patrick said. Better to just rip the band aid off with that one, he decided. David bristled slightly but didn’t pull away.  


“You were right, I wouldn’t have reacted well.”  


“That doesn’t make it right,” Patrick said.  


“No,” David allowed, “But it does mean I forgive you.”  


“But-”  


“Patrick,” David said as he turned full toward Patrick and grabbed his other hand, “There is nothing you could do that I wouldn’t forgive. You’re the love of my life.”  


Now it was Patrick’s turn to crash his lips against David’s. This kiss was a promise. Patrick was done lying, he was done shutting David out, he was done doing anything other than loving David with everything he had. Patrick was merciless. He allowed David a split second to take a breath before he kissed him again, harder. Eventually, Patrick’s momentum sent him leaning too far into David until he was fully on top of him. It was like Patrick was possessed. This wasn’t the gentle love making Patrick had pictured their reunion to be. This was desperate and needy. Patrick was greedy and demanding and David was more than willing to give him everything he asked for.  


Eventually, Patrick tore his lips from David’s to trail them down his throat and along his collarbone. He was going to leave marks, but he didn’t think David would care. Patrick certainly didn’t. In fact, the idea of marking David as his after months of being unsure was making his head spin with lust.  


David let him go on for a few long minutes before slowly pushing Patrick off him. It wasn’t a rejection, not even close. David had his bedroom eyes on. As much as Patrick didn’t want to break apart from David for even a minute, he didn’t want to do this on his couch. Instead, he gave David a much gentler kiss and they walked hand in hand to their bed. 

* * *

After, they laid tangled together in the sheets. Patrick knew David would want a shower soon, but he was relishing the feeling of David naked against him for the first time in months and was slow to let go. Drying fluids non-withstanding, it was the happiest Patrick had been maybe ever.  


“Oh,” Patrick said suddenly remembering, “I have your rings.”  


“My rings,” David echoed.  


“Your engagement rings,” Patrick continued unnecessarily, “If you don’t want them back yet, I understand, but I didn’t want there to be any doubt about what I wanted.”  


“I want the rings,” David said without any hesitation, “But…”  


“But?” Patrick prompted.  


“But we can’t have the wedding we wanted in three months, can we?” David said, then closed his eyes as if afraid of what Patrick was going to say. But Patrick didn’t even know what he was going to say. David was right, there were some things Patrick had to cancel that they wouldn’t be able to get back, the venue for one thing. It had been a choice he’d been agonizing about for weeks, maybe something he should have shared with David in the first place. In the end, Patrick couldn’t lose their deposit for canceling on short notice. If they didn’t get married in three months, they were never going go have a wedding or a honeymoon if he lost that money. And now it was going to bite him in the ass, but any choice would have. Like David had said, there was really any right way of handling this. Patrick could just add it to his list of regrets.  


“I don’t mind a long engagement,” Patrick said, which wasn’t really an answer to the question David had asked but it was the truth, “As long as we end up married.”  


“Or…” David said with a slight edge to his voice that made Patrick nervous, “We could just get married now.”  


“Excuse me?” Patrick asked. That was the last thing Patrick had been expecting to come out of David’s mouth.  


“What if we eloped?” David asked, a little surer this time.  


“You, David Rose, want to _elope_?” Patrick asked. He couldn’t even begin to sort through his own feelings, the idea of David wanting an elopement was so foreign.  


“Yeah, I think I do,” David said. “If you were open to it. We could wait a couple of days for your parents to come down, then just go down to the courthouse in Elmdale with my family and Stevie.”  


“What about pageantry though?” Patrick continued, “What about color schemes and seating charts?”  


“Patrick,” David said as he brought his hands up to cup Patrick’s face, “We can throw a party whenever we want to, but I don’t know how much longer I can go without being married to you.”  


“Oh,” was all Patrick could say around the lump in his throat.  


“So, Patrick Brewer,” David asked with a quirked eyebrow, “Is it a yes?”  


Patrick broke out into a wide grin and gave David a quick and tender kiss, “It’s definitely a yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've actually been sitting on this for a little while now because I wasn't super happy with it. But it wasn't getting any better and it's been a hot minute without an update, so here we are. I did actually like it more while I was editing, especially that last scene. David asking Patrick to elope has been the scene I've been driving towards for at least three months, so I hope you liked it as much as I did. One chapter left, let me know what you think!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been dragging my feet on this because I didn't want it to be over. But here we are. It's a happy accident that I'm publishing this exactly 8 months after the first chapter, but what an 8 months it's been. I hope you like reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it.

Two weeks after David proposed, he woke up with possibly the worst hangover of his life. But he also woke up a married man, so he figured it was worth it.  


It had been a whirlwind few weeks, but he wouldn’t have traded a single moment of it. He and Patrick had celebrated getting re-engaged privately that night then they’d called everyone in the morning. Alexis was a little heartbroken over not getting to help plan a wedding, but she was more excited that David was back- and more importantly, that he was back together with Patrick.  


Stevie had taken a little bit more plying, but even she was placated after a joint and a promise she could tell all of David’s embarrassing stories when they eventually threw a reception. If David had his way, he would have been married to Patrick on the same day. Turned out a marriage license took time, who knew? The earliest they could get an appointment at the courthouse was a couple of weeks out and they’d jumped on it.  


David kept waiting for the regret to set in, but it never did. It seemed so against everything he was as a person to refuse a big party where he was the center of attention, but a lot of things had changed in the last six months. He knew an elopement would stir up some gossip, but it would be nothing compared to being the resident amnesiac. David decided he was ready to be out of the spotlight and to settle into a quiet little life with his soul mate.  


Patrick seemed to be waiting for David to change his mind as well, but the two weeks approached and then they were on their way to the courthouse in Elmdale. David had allowed himself some extravagance in a kilt for the ceremony, and Alexis had bought him a gorgeous bouquet, but it was quiet and intimate, just the way he wanted (other than Alexis wearing a fucking wedding dress, but you couldn’t win them all).  


They’d only invited Alexis, Stevie, Ted and each of their parents. The few hours between waking up and being married were a whirlwind, but David hadn’t been nervous. He gave Patrick a simple band and had kept his own gold engagement rings, with the addition of an extra one on his ring finger.  


After, they’d gone back to the café, because where else would they go?  


“Wow, are we celebrating something?” Twyla asked as she’d seated them.  


“Actually,” David said smugly as he raised Patrick’s hand that was he was holding, now newly adorned with a silver band. Twyla screamed loud enough to get the rest of the café’s attention, and it wasn’t long before most of the town was swarming. The whole thing had turned into a bigger party than either of them had wanted, but he figured it was better to answer all the questions now so they could have some peace later.  


Then Alexis had brought out the zhampagne and the night became a blur.  


But he woke up with his rings and the right man next to him, so how much of a mess could it have been?  


“Am I dead?” Patrick asked as he stirred next to David, “Is this what being dead feels like?”  


“I hope not,” David laughed, “I’m too young to be widowed.”  


At that, Patrick opened his eyes and David got a chance to gaze at his husband. His eyes were rimmed red from the lack of sleep and he had dark circles that no amount of eucalyptus eye serum would cure. He was still wearing his white button down, stained with something David couldn’t remember, and his bow tie was half undone. He looked ridiculous. David didn’t think he’d ever looked more beautiful.  


“What?” Patrick asked when David wouldn’t stop staring.  


“Can I not gaze at my husband?” David replied with mock defense.  


“Say it again,” Patrick said with a lopsided grin.  


“My,” David said before he gave Patrick a quick kiss, “Husband.”  


“My husband,” Patrick said a hairsbreadth away from David’s lips. David wanted to ask him to say it again. And again. And again, but Patrick seemed focused on other things.  


“Ugh, I love you,” David said when they were finished, “But you taste like flat zhampagne and the café’s entire menu.”  


“I think Twyla had actually made the entire menu by the end of last night,” Patrick said.  


“Ugh,” David repeated, “Promise me we’ll never having the café cater anything ever again.”  


“You know I can’t promise that,” Patrick said.  


“It’s the worst restaurant in town,” David complained.  


“It’s the _only_ restaurant in town,” Patrick countered.  


“Which makes it the worst by default.”  


“And the best,” Patrick said.  


“I wouldn’t describe _anything_ in that place as the best.”  


“How about the best first date,” Patrick said. He had on the smile he got when he knew he was being cheesy, and David was such a sucker for it. David couldn’t help the smile tugging at his own lips.  


“Okay,” he said with a roll of his eyes to offset the warmth flooding his stomach.  


“Or the best wedding reception,” Patrick said. He tried to connect their lips again, but David leaned back aghast.  


“You think _that_ was our wedding reception?”  


“I mean… yeah?” Patrick said, then at the look on David’s face he continued, “No?”  


“NO,” David said definitively.  


“Everyone we know was there,” Patrick said with a laugh, “We need a separate reception?”  


“Yes,” David said simply, “A reception with a color scheme and flowers. And actual champagne.”  


“You liked the well enough zhampagne last night,” Patrick quipped.  


“I’d like anything after two bottles,” David said dismissively, “But I refuse to have zhampagne be the official drink of this marriage.”  


They both needed a shower desperately, but now they were winding each other up. They had no choice but to stay and bed and bicker with their morning breath and sweat soaked sheets and happiness.  


The bickering was so normal that David’s mind drifted.  


He couldn’t believe that he was here. Even before his accident, David had doubted this day would ever come. He wasn’t the type of person to get married. He wasn’t the type of person that someone else would ever want to marry. That had been one of the basic facts of David’s life. He’d known Patrick was different from the moment they met, but there was still a part of him that worried Patrick would come to his senses someday.  


But this man- this wonderful, selfless, loving man- had stayed by him even when he had no reason to. Even when David was giving him nothing but reasons to leave. And now they were married, and Patrick was going to stand with him for the rest of their lives.  


There’d been so much pain in the last few months. So many times that they’d hurt each other, but David couldn’t find it in him to regret a single part of their story. David knew he would have ended up married to Patrick with any twist or turn, but he was starting to see his accident as a blessing in disguise. Sure, there were still parts of his memory that were blurry, and there were things David relied on Patrick to explain. But he trusted Patrick. For the first time, David trusted another person unequivocally. And he couldn’t imagine anything changing that. Could anything else other than what he’d experienced have done that?  


“David?” Patrick said, pulling David out of his thoughts, “Where’d you go just then?”  


“I was just thinking about how happy I am.”  


“So you like my idea of booking my dad’s barbershop quartet for our band?” Patrick said with a grin. What a smartass.  


“You know what, honey, if it will really make you happy,” David said with a fond roll of his eyes, “I think I can be negotiated with.”

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU to everyone who read and commented on this story. I know it was a bumpy ride, and I'm grateful to everyone who went on it with me.
> 
> HUGE thank you to the RA discord. This fic wouldn't exist like this without you all. Thanks for the sprints, see you all on the next one. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think!


End file.
